You Left Me!

**WARNING: THIS IS ABOUT AS RAW (R RATED) AS IT GETS**

I was sitting in bed this evening, thumbing through a catalog of urns the mortuary gave me. URNS! With every page I flipped I became angrier and angrier. I began talking aloud...to Mike. At first I was saying, You left me. I can't believe you left me. Tears were flowing freely down my face now and my voice wasn't breaking in sadness anymore, it was hateful and harsh. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME! YOU SON OF A BITCH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FUCKING LEFT ME! YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE HERE!" I stood up off my bed, now screaming much of the same, my fists were raised above my head and I was PISSED! I saw my reflection in the mirror above my dresser and I didn't recognize the person in there. Her face was distorted, flush with anger, and the words coming out of her mouth were equally disturbing. I was shaking my fists, getting ready to pummel my bedroom and then...my arms fell down to my sides and a complete calm came over me. The tears were gone, the anger disappeared without a trace, and I heard my husband say, "No I didn't. Now knock it off!"

Had I annihilated my room, I would have destroyed my Grandmother's urn sitting on my dresser. Knowing Mike the way I do, I'm sure had I carried out my desire I would have gotten a different kind of message...something like, "Feel better? Now whose going to clean this mess up?" I believe it was him calming me down. I believe I heard him, because it was clear as day. The calm was just as quick to wash over me as the anger had been coming on.

I wonder...can he see me? I tell the kids that Daddy can see us. Do you believe that? Or, do we disconnect from earth completely and live solely in heaven? I like to think he can see us, maybe like looking into a microscope or something. I wish I knew.