Here I Am

I went shopping today. I get into the store, my mind on groceries, list in hand, and I swear to you, not 5 minutes later, in the bread aisle, I almost fell to my knees. A song started...a song I've come to know too well. A song that reminds me of a beautiful little girl, gone to soon, looking down on her family and scratching her head, saying, "What's happened to them? They aren't a family anymore without me." That is a partial truth. This song was played at Mandelyn's memorial. Her uncle Cody made a BEAUTIFUL montage, about 30 minutes, who knows how many pictures, and some well chosen songs. For my best friend, when she hears You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins (Disney's Tarzan), she can't handle it. Me, I have a CD with ALL the songs from the montage. However, about 6 or 7 weeks ago, Cameron asked me not to play it anymore with him in the car, "Momma, it makes me sad and cry and miss Mandelyn even more." So, not having heard this particular song in quite sometime, there I am, in the bread aisle, almost coming undone. The song is titled Here I Am by Bryan Adams (from the movie Spirit). Mandelyn, I love you. I miss you every day. I pray you are watching over us, guiding us, protecting us, being our guardian angel. I pray you aren't disappointed. I pray you wrap your arms around some who need your love right now. I pray you sleep with Cameron soon. I pray you call out to "Baby Handsome" and I pray you take extra loving care of the one who misses you most.

Here the song, and see the video, here.

I want a do over...

Mandelyn has been gone 4 months now. I have not heard her giggle, or say Cameron's name or call out to "Baby Handsome" in 4 months. I realize she wasn't here for the summer. She didnt' get to play at the water park, we didn't get to go to the outside movies at Victoria Gardens, we didn't even get to play sidewalk chalk or eat ice cream this summer. As fall is upon us, we won't be going to the pumpkin patch together, or even stopping by to take pictures of the kids in their costumes on Halloween (WHICH WILL DEVESTATE ME TO NO END). Furthermore, I have no little girl to buy for this Christmas. And, wouldn't you know it, this year, I have TONS & TONS of ideas for her. There will be no picture of Cameron and Mande infront of my tree this year. And Christmas Eve will be less one beautiful, energenic, vibrant, little girl. Today I find myself back to where I was 4 months ago. I WANT A DO OVER!!! I want to hug her again. I want to hear her giggle. I WANT TO SEE HER PLAYING WITH CAMERON!!! I want that so badly. I want her to see what Dylan is doing now. They could have danced together, or sang as Boots and Dora, "We did it!" or heard him say "Backpack" today. I WANT A DO OVER!!! I just want a do over...