I had no idea how hard today was going to hit me. I woke up this morning crying harder than I've cried in a very long time. Back to School day tends to hit me pretty hard. Is it because Mike was a teacher and we've started a new school year without him again? Or is it that today our baby girl started school without her Daddy? Another milestone without him.
This year I have a kid at all 3 campuses. I'll be playing around with drop off and pick up times for the next few weeks. We set out and dropped Cameron off first at Mojave River Campus (MRC). Off to Corwin Campus (CC) we go, and I walked Dylan in, taking a pic of him before Peyton and I made our way over to Thunderbird Campus (TBC). I grabbed a few shots of Peyton before we headed into the class.
How blessed am I to have Ms. Cambridge in my life? She was Dylan's Kindergarten teacher, and fellow widow. Try as I might, the tears never stopped, and my eyes flooded more as she read The Kissing Hand to the class. I left my daughter at school and came straight home.
Home, hasn't really felt like a home since Mike died. It's more like a house, shelter, if you will. A home is a place where you feel happy, love, and I'm not saying there aren't times I still feel that, but mostly, I look at it as my sanctuary. A place to run and hide and block out the pain. Today, it feels different. I don't have a husband who will come home and care whether I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed the carpet, or prepped an amazing dinner. The kids don't care if I'm making a feast or chicken nuggets with macaroni and cheese. Today, for the first time since Mike died, I feel completely, and utterly alone.
I know what some of you would say, "Pick yourself up." I don't want to. Today, I want to feel the pain. I want to embrace it. I want to eat my emotions (I'm well on my way) and look around my house, remembering when it was a home.
