Christmas is Cancelled

The selfishness it takes to write such a statement is staggering. I'll be the first to admit that I have wanted to cancel all holidays, birthdays, hell even my life on some days, for the last, almost, 3 years. But what I want isn't what I can or should. I was at the lowest part of my life after my Beloved's death, which happened just 2 short months after my mother's. I had a choice to make, and three little people who were counting on me to make the right one. Either I allow the grief to take me under or I move forward. What good would I have been to Cameron, Dylan, and Peyton had I curled up in bed and thrown the covers over myself? What would that have taught my children? To run and hide when life didn't go your way.

Instead of being swallowed up, I mustered every ounce of love to shower upon my kids. I gathered strength I didn't know I had and put one foot in front of the other, sometimes moving at a snail's pace. But most importantly I gave myself wholly to my Lord and Savior, who without I wouldn't have had the love to give or strength to move forward. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Dylan lost his first tooth the day after his Dad died and while I was at the mortuary signing papers to have my Beloved cremated. A few short weeks later I would attend his memorial and 3 days later my birthday. Dylan's first birthday party without his Dad followed a few days after that and then Mike's favorite team, The Packers, would go on to win the Super Bowl on his 60" TV that he bought, the year before, special for that day. I mention the TV because it was a huge sore for me for awhile after Mike died. How about the seven months that my beautiful, 3 year old daughter, asked me daily if she could die today? Her Daddy was in heaven and she wanted nothing more to be with him. And let's not forget my Type 1 diabetic who I thought was going to die too because he was eating his emotions and playing a very dangerous game with his blood sugar. Would I have loved to cancel our first Halloween without our patriarch? Yep. Did I? No. And each and every year when Halloween rolls around I still fight myself not to cancel it. That hasn't changed in 3 years.

Canceling Christmas because you are grieving is the most selfish act and not what the holiday is about. Maybe you should spend less time focused on the person in the mirror and more time looking upward, to the One whose holiday this is truly about, the birth of your Lord and Savior. I tell my children we will forever have a Daddy sized hole in our hearts. Nothing will take it away, but it doesn't mean we can't fill it to the brim around it, because Daddy would want us to. Death is always hardest on the one's left behind. It's our human nature. Fortunately I have a God who wants nothing but good for me. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That is the God I serve, the legacy I want to leave my children. This Christmas my church is discussing the Christmas Legacy. Legacy has become a keyword in my life since my Beloved went home. I want to leave my children with the image of me picking us up in the wake of utter devastation and continuing to move forward. While I cradled them, Jesus cradled me. "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you. Never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you." He carried me so I could in turn carry my children. When I die I want my children and grandchildren to know that my heart belonged to Jesus and it was because of that love that we didn't just survive the death of our Beloved husband and Daddy but we thrived!

Merry Christmas to my family and friends. May God's light, love and blessing touch each and every one of you. May your home be full of laughter, your bellies be full of goodies and your stories about loved one's who have already gone home treasured.

What are the chances...

Yesterday I went on a field trip with my APU class to downtown Los Angeles. It was the first time I had ridden the Metro. One of my classmates, Aaron, and I were sitting in seats with nobody beside us, I was turned around and we were chit chatting. The ride to Union Station is about 30 minutes and about stop 3 an older woman got on and she sat next to Aaron. He and I kept chit chatting until she politely interrupted and asked us what was going on and why there were so many people on the Metro this early on a Saturday morning. I explained about our class and told her I didn't know about the back half of the train. She and I begin to make small talk about school and places to see while we're in LA. She says something about God and I get the usual ping to tell her my story. I admit, I like throwing a curve ball at people by telling them I'm a widow with 3 kids, but I'll explain why that is in a moment. I throw the pitch out and her mouth literally drops. She says to me, "You're too young." I love that I don't look my age. I nod politely. I tell her the rest of my story, that he was 33, etc, etc. She gets misty eyed and says, "You're not done. You know that, right? I'm not telling you a premonition, but something in me just tells me God has something big in store for you." I respond with, "I do know that. I'm in no hurry. God's timing is perfect." She thanks me for sharing and then tells me that her friend committed suicide just 3 days earlier. She says, "If only he talked to someone. To me. You continue talking Tiffany. You push through and keep up that strength." She reaches for my hand and I smile. At our stop she says, "You've truly blessed me and I will take you with me for the rest of the day." Fast forward to Olvera Street and Aaron pulls me aside and this is the conversation we have.

Aaron: What are the chances that she was suppose to sit next to me on the train?
Me: 100%.
Aaron: It was like she needed to hear your story.
Me: She did.
Aaron: You just opened up like you'd known her your whole life.
Me (nodding)
Aaron: I just...it's so personal.
Me: I'm an open book. I always have been.
Aaron: I mean, I've heard the story before but...it's like you're a walking testimony.
Me: Exactly.
Aaron: Does this happen to you often?
Me (laughing): Yes. Yes it does.
Aaron: And the people you tell?
Me: Nine times out of 10 they need to hear it. They need to know God keeps his promises and his love is fierce.
Aaron (shaking his head in disbelief): I've never seen anything like that. Ever.

Now, let me tell you about a similar story that happened before Thanksgiving. I've been meaning to share, but just haven't had the time. I got sick and couldn't make it to work for a few days. Someone who works at the littles school, and is very precious to me, was leaving and I needed to buy her a card. I had kept putting it off and so on Wednesday morning I dropped the kiddos off, figured my stomach was good since I hadn't put anything in it and drove over to Christian Treasures. The woman running the store that morning was busy on a call back east but kept popping her head out to assure me she was there if I needed anything. I browsed around and decided to check out a little while later. Another customer came beside me to lay her purchases on the counter while she continued to shop. I made a comment about the Advent Calendar she picked up and told her I was excited to start the Jesse Tree and Ann Voskamp's Devotional. I explained that I was excited to start a new tradition this year with my children. Well she just took the conversation on from there.

Pam: I saw her at Women of Faith. She was amazing. (She goes on about a story of picking up copies of her book and how blessed she was to hear her speak because she had just lost her husband--there's my cue).
Me (hand over my mouth and shaking my head)
Pam: No, please don't. I'm doing okay. I have a loving heavenly Father.
Me (nodding and smiling): I know you do. He's kept me going for the last 2 years and 10 months since my Beloved husband died.
Pam (mouth drops): Mine passed in May. We have a 4 year old daughter.
Me (thinking she is a much older mom): Mine were 11, 5, and 3.
Pam: She's not really my daughter. She's my granddaughter, but she's mine.
Me (grinning from ear to ear): I was raised by my grandmother and there is nothing more precious than that. She passed away 2 months before my husband.

Needless to say the conversation just took off. Her daughter's name is Peyton as well. Pam was just a few short days away from hitting the 6 month mark as well as her first Thanksgiving without her husband. I told her I would pray for her. We stood in Christian Treasures for a good hour talking, lifting each other up and the lady behind the counter exclaimed, "I hate working here!" as she grabbed the box of Kleenex for us all to wipe our tears and blow our noses. We exchanged phone numbers and I hugged her tight before saying goodbye.

Lastly, and I realize this is out of order but this is the funnest story EVER, God always puts me where I will be covered. I accept the long-term sub position and the teacher next door to me was also Cameron's 7th grade language arts teacher. Funny thing was when I told Cameron he said, "NO. Mrs. ________ is a 7th grade teacher." I said, "NO. She's a 6th grade teacher now." Needless to say Mrs. ________ and I became close very fast. I knew she was a widow (she hates that word and I apologize in advance for using it here) but I didn't realize how parallel our stories were. She invited me to have lunch in her classroom with her daughter one day and I took her up on it. HOLY MOLY! God sent me a kindred spirit. The 3 of us women had a huge laugh fest that first lunch together. Our husband's birthdays are 2 days apart and our wedding anniversaries are 3 days apart. Her husband will be gone 3 years on the 18th of this month, mine on the 10th of next. Both are named Mike and both our middle names are Ann. HELLO!?!? This last week each time we're together she tells me, "I'm gonna miss you. I hate making friends." And her daughter won't even discuss it, according to her. I have come to love these ladies immensely. Not only do I have to say goodbye to my students on Thursday, but I have to leave these 2 amazing, hilarious, beautiful women too. I'm gonna be a mess, straight up ugly girl crying. I'm teary eyed right now even typing this.

God is so faithful to me. His mercy and grace cover me in ways that know no bounds. I am in awe almost daily of what He does for me. I pray I continue to be that walking testimony and light for Him. He certainly deserves that and much more.

Living By Faith

I often begin a story like this with, "I can't make this up!" Why would tonight be any different? As I shared recently the kids and I are doing a Christmas/Advent Devotional based on Ann Voskamp's book The Greatest Gift. We sat down tonight to read and then say our prayers before I put the littles to bed. Here's how it went.

Me (reading): The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you . . . and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you." . . . ~ Genesis 12:1-7 

Me (as I continue to read): This is the gift that wraps up all stresses quiet: I will bless you. "I will bless you," says the God who comes to where you are. Who comes in the heaviness of the day, to the space where the weight hangs on the edges of you, so you just keep holding your breath, so you just keep forgetting to breathe. But the weight of everything melts like thinning snow in the heat of His words: "I will bless you." He will not burden you. He will not break you. He will bless you-the God of invincible reliability, the God who has infinite resources, the God who is insistent love. You can always go ahead and breathe-He will bless. You can always breathe when you know all is grace.

At this point I am bawling my eyes out as I read. God is writing me a love letter.

Me (reading through flowing tears): That is the order of grace. . . . The personal blessings envelop you first. Then you are the blessing sent to the world. You will be experienced as a blessing-to the extent you have first experienced yourself as blessed. You must feel the fullness of your own pitcher before you trust the pouring out of yourself. "It is not use for you attempt to sow out of any empty basket, for that would be sowing nothing but wind," wrote Spurgeon. So slow down to feel the wind. Listen to the carols just a little bit longer. Linger in the quiet and taste the grace of now, and know that He is good and He is God. Name them in this moment-gift upon gift upon gift-and listen for the echo in everything: I will bless you.

Me (to the children): Do you understand what I'm reading? God is telling us not to worry. He is telling me my worrying last night and today was for nothing because I we are His children and He loves us. He will bless us always so we can go out and bless others. We are walking testimonies for His love, for His mercy and for His grace.

Cameron: Mom, you always talk about this stuff, but I've never understood until tonight. I don't know what to say. It's ironic.

Me: It's not ironic, it's God. (And then I begin to read again) D.L. Moody once wrote, "Faith is the gift of God. So is the air, but you have to breathe it; so is bread, but you have to eat it; so is water, but you have to drink it." Breathe it, eat it, drink it-leave the blur of Ur and slow to taste and see the promised land of Advent, of Christmas, of His Coming-the blessing of gift upon gift. Only when you first unwrap the gifts of blessings to you can you be wrapped up as a gift of blessing to others. Only when you are overwhelmed with the goodness of God can you overflow with the goodness of God to others. And that is the blessing God graced Abram with, the blessing He graces you with this Advent, the gift that makes you a gift. The greatest gift God graces a should with is His own presence. So the whirl can hush and the spin can slow because He will bless, and He will bless with Himself come down. The present is His presence, and the greatest present you always have to give is His presence-looking into someone's eyes as you listen, refusing the wrong of rushing, lingering long enough to really listen-to everything. There is no need for more: the heart is full of gifts that is full of Christ. It's strange how that happens-that any place becomes the Promised Land when the blessing of His presence becomes the gift we receive-and give. Advent happening anywhere.

Wow! Talk about knocking my socks off. It's as if God was thumping me over the head, "Do you hear me Tiffany?" Yes. Loud and clear. Sometimes I need the hit over the head Lord. Sorry. I. Am. Blessed.

Summer Reading

I tend to do the majority of my reading during Spring and Fall thanks to the reading challenges, but I wanted to make sure I got some reading in this Summer. To hold myself accountable I kept a list.

I FI-NAL-LY read From Ashes by Molly McAdams

On Dublin Street by Samantha Young

I. Am. Gutted. What a fan-fucking-tastic read these were. I lived Hopeless, but I loved Losing Hope by Colleen Hoover

Gabriel's Inferno and Gabriel's Rapture by Sylvain Reynard

The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare

City of Bones

City of Ashes

City of Glass

City of Fallen Angels

I couldn't stop after reading The Mortal Instruments, and because my a couple of my friends said The Infernal Devices were better, I hoped straight into them.

The Infernal Devices by Cassandra Clare

Clockwork Angel

Clockwork Prince

Clockwork Princess

Dare I say it? I loved The Infernal Devices more than The Mortal Instruments. I want more. I could see myself picking these books up every year to reread them.

Happy 14th Birthday Cameron

I can't believe Cameron is a freshman. Every time someone mentions, "Oh, isn't Cameron a freshman now?" I feel a little sucker punch to the stomach. Can I be in denial a little bit longer please? I can't believe Mike isn't here to empathize with me about having a high schooler. My baby boy, my first born, the one who made me a Mama, is 14 today. I suppose there is no more denial to be had. A few days before school started I had a mini-meltdown. Obviously Peyton has changed the most, she was only 3 when her Daddy died, but I feel like it's Cameron that is a completely different child than he was just 2.8 years ago. He's 5'7, taller than his Dad and I. His voice has changed. He has hair. He is a young man. A young man who is relying on his mother on how to be a man. I am not sure that I'm qualified for the job.

On September 7, 1999 I went in to my OB for my regular weekly check-up. My blood pressure was high. I explained that within the last week my dad's house was in danger due to the Willow Fire and my step-dad had been in a head-on collision on his way to work. The nurse asked me to lie on my left side and relax. Finally the doctor said that I was to go straight to the hospital, he was inducing me. Well, as you know I'm stubborn as hell and when we left the doctor office I told Mike to take me home. I needed to pack my hospital bag (I hadn't done that yet because I wasn't due until the 21st) and I wanted to talk to Grandma. Everyone was sitting at the dinner table when we came in and I told them what was going on. Grandma looked at Mike and said, "And you didn't take her straight to the hospital?" Mike replied, "Can you tell her to do anything she doesn't want to?"

When we got to the hospital everything was ready. I was taken to a room, and IV started, after the first one blew (I had a beautiful bruise on my forearm because of it) and some kind of pill was put next to my cervix to begin the process. It was 6:35 pm. I don't remember when the pitocin was started by IV, but I do remember the doctor breaking my water at 2:30 pm the following afternoon, September 8th. When the doctor came at me with what looked like a ginormous crochet hook, Mike's eyes went big as saucers. The doctor had hoped to move along the process, as I was stuck dilated at a 2 the entire time. That night was exhausting. I labored and labored and labored, and between all that the nurse would give me stadol for the pain. At 6:30 am on the 9th the nurse came in and said the doctor would give me another hour and then we'd discuss c-section. Still only dilated to a 2, I nodded and she left. Mike looked at me like, "What the hell?" and said, "What is an hour going to do that the last 36 hasn't?" I told him to go get the nurse and bring her back. When she came in, I told her, "Where do I sign? Get this baby out of me." She brought the papers in, turned off the IV and...my labor stopped. Completely stopped. It was all chemical labor, Cameron had no desire to come out on his own.

Because 2 people loved each other...

I slept during the c-section. I was whooped. I heard Cameron cry and remember opening my eyes, but I couldn't find him. Finally the nurse brought him over to me and all I could see was his dad's nose. I said, "You've got your Dad's nose." The nurse took him to do what she needed to and I told Mike, "Go with the baby." He waffled for a minute, unsure on what he should do. I went back to sleep and was awake again when they moved me from the operating table to a bed, wheeling me into recovery. I tried, Dear God did I try, to sleep in recovery, but that damn nurse kept poking me and telling me I had to wake up. Did she not know that I had been in labor for 37 1/2 hours before my son was born at 8:04 am?

When I was taken to my room I expected to see my son. Wrong. Mike came in to tell me my Grandma and egg donor had seen Cameron while they were in the nursery. The doctor came out and told the 3 of them that I am very narrow and will most likely never deliver children the old fashioned way. Grandma, not missing a beat, said, "You mean there's something small on Tiffany?" Mike was livid. I waited for 4 1/2 hours before my son was brought to me around 1 pm. Shortly after my Dad and brother, Scott, showed up and my Dad was the first family member, beside Mike and myself, to hold Cameron, his first grandson.

I breastfed Cameron only twice before I developed an excruciating migraine. I've suffered with migraines since I was 9, but never had I ever felt something like this. The nurses were wrapping my head in ice packs, shooting me up with demerol, and Cameron never took from me again. I suffered with, what I now know was, a spinal migraine for 10 days after the birth of Cameron. The demerol kept me pretty out of it and once, while I was holding my newborn, I dozed off for just a second, but Cameron rolled right out of my arms into my lap. After that Mike refused to leave Cameron with me while I was alone. Grandma and he took shifts. If Mike had to work, Grandma was there. The evening of the 10th Mike had taken off to Costco so Grandma was there. I was out of it when the nursery nurse came in and said, "Gah! She's sleeping again? When do you think she'll want her baby?" Grandma, who hardly ever was confrontational, said, "What exactly do you get paid for?" The nurse left in a huff. When I awoke, Grandma told me the story and I called to have Cameron brought to me.

Daddy and Cameron

When I met my husband he did not want children. I would like to say becoming a mother was the most beautiful experience of my life, but quite honestly, it wasn't. Because of the spinal migraine, I got to sit on the sidelines and watch my husband become a Daddy. Not just any Daddy. Oh no! My husband was the most amazing father I could have ever asked for for my children. From the beginning he was hands on. My husband was a far superior Daddy to my lack of Mama skills. I'm certain my friends, a few family, and my Beloved would dispute this, but I call it as I see it.

Mama and Cameron

On the 11th of September, just 2 days after having my firstborn via c-section, I demanded to be released from the hospital. The care was inadequate. I knew I would be cared for at home, and as long as I did as was instructed, I would be fine. We were home a little after 6 pm, 4 days after it all began. Just 10 days later, as Cameron lay on the couch, I laid my face next to his watching him sleep, in awe, I whispered, "I can't wait to do this again." I knew then, like I know now, that I was put on this earth to be a mother. My greatest blessings call me Mama.

-------------------------------------
Side note:
Cameron, very much into Winnie the Pooh (also his nursery), adored Roo. Roo calls Kanga "Mama" and that is why Cameron began calling me Mama. Dylan followed suit, and Peyton after.

Menu Plan Monday

Somebody asked me a question about why lunch for dinner? Here's the thing, I take advantage when the kid's eat hot lunch on the same day. For me, this frees up time that I can spend with the kid's rather than getting them home, shower, homework, dinner, etc. Secondly, it frees up my dinner budget. On the nights that the kid's eat lunch for dinner, I shred up some chicken and eat a chicken salad.

Sunday ~ Tacos

Monday ~ BBQ Hot Dogs, Chicken, & Spaghetti Salad

Tuesday ~ Lunch for dinner

Wednesday ~ BBQ Chicken, Baked Potato, & Corn on the Cob with Parmesan Cheese

Thursday ~ Subway after Choir Practice

Friday ~ Lunch for dinner

Saturday ~ Soup & Sammie's for Johnson Family Game Night

Menu Plan Monday

Sunday ~ Roasted Chicken, Mashed Potatoes w/ Gravy, Corn, & Crescent Rolls

Monday ~ Rigatoni with Parma Rosa sauce, Salad, & French Bread

Tuesday ~ Lunch for dinner

Wednesday ~ Leftover Wednesday

Thursday ~ Drive-Thru after Choir Practice

Friday ~ Lunch for dinner

Saturday ~ Eat a Pita Pizza

Menu Plan Monday

Sunday ~ Grilled Cheese & Soup

Monday ~ Spaghetti, Salad, and Garlic Buns

Tuesday ~ Chicken Nuggets, Macaroni and Cheese, Steamed Carrots

Wednesday ~ Lunch for Dinner while Mama eats a Shredded Chicken Salad

Thursday ~ Nonna's Pizzeria (Fundraiser for School)

Friday ~ Leftover Friday

Saturday ~ Breakfast for Dinner

Young Man in Uniform

AFJROTC Cadet Airman Basic Johnson

This picture is bittersweet. Although I am proud as hell to be this young man's mother, I am devastated for him that he will never wear a real Air Force uniform thanks to Type 1 Diabetes. These shots were taken shortly after he picked up his uniform this morning.

Menu Plan Monday

Sunday ~ Tacos (rescheduled from last week)

Monday ~ Eat a Pita Pizza with Salad

Tuesday ~ Lunch for Dinner

Wednesday ~ Mama's Shell Pasta, Salad, & Garlic Bread

Thursday ~ (No time to cook) Out for Dinner before Dylan's Back 2 School Night

Friday ~ Luau at Water Aerobics

Saturday ~ Roasted Chicken, Mashed Potatoes with Gravy, Steamed Veggies, & Crescent Rolls

Second Day of School

We had time this morning for a little photo shoot. Technically the second day of school, but who cares? The pics were taken.

First Day of School

I was unable to take my annual First Day of School pics this morning. The children did not grasp the concept that school starts earlier this year. No matter, there is always tomorrow. A couple of years ago we began a new tradition of eating dinner out to celebrate the first day of school. The kiddos come home with a ton of handouts to fill out and sign, so this is a much simpler solution, especially since it's just me now. This will have to do until tomorrow.

Menu Plan Monday

Another school year is upon us. I must go back to planning a weekly menu to save what little sanity I have left.

Sunday ~ Barbecue Chicken and Hot Dogs with Spaghetti Salad

Monday ~ Celebrate the first day of school at Red Robin

Tuesday ~ Tacos

Wednesday ~ Easy Cheesy Enchiladas, Spanish Rice & Salad

Thursday ~ Leftovers (something quick and easy for our first Back 2 School night)

Friday ~ Lunch for Dinner

Saturday ~ Nick's Pizza after we see Planes

Best $600 Spent

I started a load of wash on Tuesday only to hear a terrible noise come from my washing machine. I was keeping an eye on it when to my surprise, black gunk began leaking from underneath. The transmission went out. I spoke to 2 appliance repairmen who both were shocked that I got 12 years and 9 months out of my washing machine. One even called it a "throw away" that usually dies within 3 years of purchase. I figure I'm blessed to have gotten my $600 worth out of the pair that Hubby and I purchased when we moved into our first apartment. What I didn't count on was the unexpected expense of a new washer and dryer. Let's face it, the dryer has had some problems the last couple of years, and I'm a firm believer you don't buy one without the other, because that's just taunting the universe.

I jumped online to research and found a great deal at Lowe's. The washer was marked down $150, while the dryer was marked down $105 and the reviews were awesome. Great, right? Wrong. Neither were available for (free) delivery until the 25th. I can not be without a washer and dryer that long, especially with school starting back up on Monday. I decided to check out Home Depot and guess what, they have them, only not on sale. I took a chance and called to ask if they price compare. Guess what? They do. Plus they offer free delivery, free haul away and were available 23 days before Lowe's. Done. I ran up to the store, practically vomited as I made the biggest purchase since my Beloved died, and then quickly thanked God for providing the means to do just that.

After the delivery guys left, I laid each of my hands on the washer and dryer and prayed, "Lord, let these get me through another 12 years. I'll take 10 minimum." Cameron laughed, clearly thinking I was insane.

Ryan Murphy Addresses glee's Future

Gleeks everywhere have been waiting with bated breath for Ryan Murphy to address the death of his star player, Cory Monteith. You can read the interviews here and here.

News broke yesterday that glee's production was moved to early August, thus bumping glee's season premiere one week, from September 19 to September 26. The news did not sit well with gleeks arguing that Cory deserved more than a couple weeks grieving time. Today Ryan Murphy explained the reasoning behind glee's decision, and that would be the lovely Lea Michele.

Ryan stated that Lea Michele is the one calling the shots right now, stepping into Finn's leadership of the glee family, and I couldn't be happier to hear that. The cast and crew want to be near each other, grieve together, in a safe place filled with beautiful memories of Cory. Ryan even went as far to say that the first couple of weeks there will be grief counselors available. KUDOS Mr. Murphy and FOX. 

I'll admit I've been worried about Lea this last week. I changed my phone wallpaper to this beautiful picture of her and Cory as a reminder to stop and pray. Although I have never had the privilege to meet her, I am all too familiar with the devastating, sudden loss of your friend, your life, your love, your Beloved. Ryan beamed about Lea's strength and I remember someone telling me just days after Mike's death that you don't realize how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left. I have the utmost respect for Ms. Michele and will keep praying for her strength, her light, and her love to continue shining through her during this time.

The first two episodes of the season will be Beatles tribute episodes that glee has been working on for 4 years. The scripts were written in May. I agree with this decision wholeheartedly. The cast and crew will love on each other during this time rather than jumping straight into a memorial episode, allowing time for a proper memorial script to be written honoring Cory's treasured character, Finn Hudson. I have read blog after blog after blog begging Mr. Murphy to write Finn his happily ever after rather than killing him off. The truth of the matter is, Finn wouldn't have been happy without Rachel by his side. By writing Finn off the show like that it would do a huge disservice to not only Lea, but the Finchel fans as well.

As I wrote this post I was reminded of the episode Yes/No. Rachel sang Without You by David Guetta featuring Usher. After news of Cory's death that song became stuck in my head. In hindsight the irony of that episode is eerie. In some stupid, freaky coincidence, Finn's father died of a drug overdose in a hotel room out of town. Finn was worried about becoming like his dad. And after reading the above interviews about Lea and her love for Cory, the intervention, the love and support she showered on him, I am reminded of Finn's speech as he proposed to Rachel.

You’re like a beacon of light guiding me through the darkness. You’re like this big gold star, and for some bizarre reason, you chose to let me love you. And, I feel like if I can just convince you to let me keep doing that, I’m going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.  

In the last episode, All or Nothing, of Season 4, Cory Monteith's name is shown with a somber backdrop of Rachel (Lea). The symmetry is heartbreaking as that could quite possibly be the last time his name is credited. Finally, the New Directions performed Hall of Fame during Regionals at the end of the episode. When the song hit my iPhone a few days ago, the lyrics reminded me of Cory.

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)

And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)

Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)

And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)

And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame (yeah)

My Little Minions!

BEE-DO! BEE-DO! BEE-DO! My little minions...Mwahahaha!

Cameron Goes to Camp 2013

For the fifth year we have driven to Fontana and dropped Cameron off at the Camp's bus stop. For the fifth year we have been abundantly blessed to have fundraised the money we need to send Cameron to camp for 2 weeks. In my opinion the opportunity afforded to Cameron to attend diabetic camp is priceless. He is learning the skills he needs to keep himself alive. He's only got 5 years before he goes out into the world relying on himself. I won't always be there. (I admit it scares the hell out of me to think of him handling this wretched disease alone!) This year Cameron leaves the youth session behind and begins his time at teen camp with the older kids. See you in 2 weeks son!

As has become our ritual, we watch the buses leave and then the littles and I head to The Cheesecake Factory (Best. Guacamole. Ever.) to begin our vacation minus Cameron. I think they were stuffed and approved.

The Heart of New Directions

Where do I start? How do I begin? Do I just come out and say it? I can't even believe I'm going to type this. Cory Monteith, affectionately known to gleeks around the world as Finn Hudson, is dead. I won't presume to the have the answers. I don't care why he's gone. I just know that he is.

As I was winding down for the night, hitting up my Facebook, twitter and tumblr before bed, two things happened simultaneously. My twitter feed showed a single word post from Mark Salling, Puck, "no" and my favorite 2 tumblr's posted vague posts about Cory. I fired up my search and typed in Cory Monteith. I was unprepared as I clicked the link of the first story and proceeded to watch the police livestream reporting Cory's death. I sat in front of my laptop stunned. I had to watch it a second time because I was sure I heard it wrong. When the Chief said Cory's name again followed by the popular TV series glee I was full on bawling. I went back to Mark's twitter and his post had been taken down, but it left a lasting impression on my heart these last few hours. No. No Cory isn't dead. No Cory's family isn't reeling from the news of a son and a brother gone too soon. No the glee family isn't mourning the loss of their heart. No Lea's heart is not shattering right now.

My sincerest condolences to Cory's family. A bright light has been turned out tonight and please know that you are not mourning the loss of his light alone.

I see things very differently than most people. My heartache, my tears, the pit in my stomach is not just because of my love for all things glee. My already broken heart is splintering for a woman I've never met, but whose grief I know all too well. A woman is grieving the loss of her own Beloved and take it from me when I say, I'm all too familiar with the pain that beautiful girl is suffering at this moment. I have been praying, fervently, for Lea tonight. I've been asking God to surround her with love. I ask God to comfort her, but know that that prayer will not be answered tonight because she will not find comfort in knowing she will never kiss, never hug, never cuddle with her Beloved again.

The glee family has begun to tweet, and quite honestly I'm not prepared for Ryan Murphy, or Matthew Morrison, or Jane Lynch, or any of the Original New Directions (Chris Colfer, Amber Riley, Jenna Ushkowitz or Kevin McHale) words just yet. Mark's said it all. I'll never be prepared for Lea's tweet, ever. Where does glee go from here? I do not envy Ryan Murphy. I suppose they could cancel glee, but I doubt Cory would want that. The gleeks are going to want closure too. The cast was scheduled to begin shooting next week, July 22nd, but that timeframe will have to be pushed back. This close knit family has to be allowed time to grieve. Obviously there will need to be rewrites. Do they kill Finn too, off screen? Yes, they should, but even as I write this, I can't imagine putting Lea, Chris, Mike O'Malley or Romy Rosemont through that, let alone the rest of the cast and crew. Perhaps a time jump is in order. I believe the healing will begin from moving forward.

We were given hope when Finn, the cool, hot quarterback, joined the New Directions, making us fall head over heels in love with this group of freaks. I fell in love all over again with Finn when he took over the glee club in Mr. Shue's absence this last season. He had blossomed from the naive boy to a man before our very eyes. Finn was a true leader, the glue that held the New Directions together. There is something poetic in that Cory's first and last glee numbers were Don't Stop Believing. Many lost an idol today, and I'm truly envious of those who are blissfully asleep, unaware that the glee world has been rocked to it's very core.

You are singing and drumming for Jesus now Cory. Our loss is definitely heaven's gain. You are no longer in pain and we will attempt to find comfort in that knowledge. Watch over your family, dear one, as well as your extended glee family. Send Lea all the love and support you can, knowing God weeps with her tonight as she mourns the loss of you, her Beloved. Fly with the angels Cory. Although you have left us too soon, you will never be forgotten.

I've said it before, tell the people around you that you love them, hug them, express your feelings, because you never know when it is going to be too late. God Bless.

Nerd Alert!

There is never a dull moment with this teenager! He did buy the Ponies shirt, but skipped out on the JB notebooks (thank God!). Even I'm jealous of the R2D2 lunchbox. Words can not describe how awesome this kid is. He is funny as hell, nerdy, cute and starting high school in a month. HIGH SCHOOL! How is this my life?!?!

Happy Independence Day

Monsters University

The littles are ready for MU! Come on Auntie Sara, get here soon. 

Family Command Center

I decided that this summer I would pick a few Pinterest ideas and run with them. My main objective was to have a Command Center up and running before school starts August 5th. Today it came to fruition.

The original idea came from A Bowl Full of Lemons. I had pinned it under Organizing and went on the hunt for thirty-one gifts. I was not prepared to pay the $$$ for the Hang-Up Home Organizer. Ever the ebay gal, I went on the search. I found a brand new, in much cuter design I might add, for $0.99 plus $9.99 shipping. DONE. Once in hand, I went to work.

Each family member is color coded and has a pocket for important papers. I chose the color orange, always thinking of my Beloved, for family functions. I located cute, functional and free, printable calendars at Pretty Unpretentious Blog. I decided to keep the calendar out of one of the 2 pockets for easier access to jot down any last minute appointments or changes. I used one of the pockets for the lunch menu, so the kiddos aren't asking me every morning what's for lunch. I decided to use the last pocket for something spiritual. Another search for printable scriptures and voila, I have about a dozen amazing scripture based pictures printed on card stock to switch out at will.

On a side note: I would really love to find someone to paint my hall tree, it definitely needs some TLC.

The Single Parent

Pastor Tom wasn't even finished with the first page and these are the notes I've taken!

Tonight's message at church was about The Single Parent. Before Pastor Tom took the stage, a pre-recordered video was shown of a woman and 3 of her 4 children (now grown). Her husband didn't die, he left his family for a new woman. One of her sons said, and I'm paraphrasing: I just want to put this out to the men. Whether they [boys] are your own or not, mentor them because young men can't raise themselves.

Cameron leans over to me and says: The men in my life didn't get this memo.

I was FLOORED!

Pastor Tom brought up the need for Godly uncles (and then aunts) in children's lives. I look over at Cameron he rolled his eyes. ROLLED. HIS. EYES. His Dad was appalled, I'm sure, that he picked up that gem from me. After he rolled his eyes he said: Yep, we pretty much were screwed in that department too.

I don't condone his word usage, but he has a valid point.

Spring Reading Thing Wrap-Up

I'm proud of what I accomplished, albeit just a fraction of what I have been reading. Instead, I'm a mad woman studying for my CSET (California Subject Examination for Teachers). I read 10 books from my original list, found here. Abbi Glines is new to me this time around and I must say, I. Love. Her.

The Vincent Boys: Extended and Uncut by Abbi Glines

The Vincent Brothers: Extended and Uncut by Abbi Glines

Reckless by S.C. Stephens

Fallen Too Far by Abbi Glines

Never Too Far by Abbi Glines

Forever Too Far by Abbi Glines

Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Wallbanger by Alice Clayton

Crush by Nicole Williams

Stealing Harper by Molly McAdams

Entwined with You by Sylvia Day

Still Taking Care of His Family

Summer school, at AAE, began yesterday. We weren't notified that he earned a spot, by someone either not showing up or dropping AAE for Options for Youth, until 3pm. The counselor called and asked that I have Cameron at school by 7:45 to fill out paperwork. As I woke up this morning, at 5:30 am, after having a restless night due to Peyton having a nightmare and sleeping with me, I was one hot Mama. My first thought was what a pain in the arse Cameron is. Summer school (AGAIN) this year. GRRRR! He has just got to step his game up, he starts high school in August and his blasé attitude regarding school just isn't going to cut it. Sure I can harp on him 24/7, but the truth is he needs to do a little growing up. I failed all but 1 class my freshman year of high school and worked my ass off the following 3 years to earn back all of the credits I lost to graduate with my class. HARD. DAMN. WORK. Do I want that for him? No. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

We walked in the office and it was a ghost town. I went to knock on the counselor's door, but saw he was on the phone and began to step away when he saw me. He told me he'd be right with me as soon as he was done with his phone call. When he called me in Dylan said he knew the counselor because a he is a friend's (in his class) Dad. I took a seat in his office and the counselor went over the schedule and told me that he was going to sit Cameron down to have a serious talk with him about his grades (pretty much backing up my previous statements in the paragraph above). I told him that would be much appreciated, that education is very important in our family, but as I am now a single mother because his Dad died 2 years ago, there was only so much I could do. The counselor, upon hearing about my Beloved, said, "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that." I told him my husband was the Special Ed teacher from the high school and the counselor's face dropped, it DROPPED. It was then that I figured out this man knew my husband. He said, "Mike was your husband?" and began to get choked up, sitting down, putting his head in his hands. Needless to say I already had tears in my eyes at his recognition, but to see a man get choked up, I was in tears. I replied, "Yes." The counselor explained that he had worked with Mike for 2 years and they had gone to school together.

As he is talking to me, it dawns on me that Mike had talked about him and I remembered Mike being upset when he was laid off. Because the counselor had been laid off, he was working up north when the principal from the high school had contacted him about Mike. He said he wanted to make it to the memorial, but just couldn't make it happen. After shedding some tears, going over some of the events, especially the kid's and I rolling up on the scene and Cameron seeing the life saving tactics used on his Dad, images no 11 year old should ever have to witness, the counselor tells me that he's going to keep a close eye on Cameron. He said, "I would have anyway, but now this is personal." Personal. Wow. New tears fell down my cheeks. I thanked him profusely, grabbed the littles, and walked out of the office thinking, 2 years and 5 months later God (with help from Mike, I'm sure) is making sure his family is taken care of.

I seriously needed some fresh air, so I took the littles to the park. I sat there, still raw with emotion, crying. I thought about a man I saw on The View a few weeks ago, Lt. Mark Weber, who wrote a book, Tell My Sons. Although I have not read his book, as I'm not sure emotionally I could, he said something that day that struck a chord with me.

What do you do when life doesn't go the way that you want it too? .... Life's not gonna go the way that you want it to. Realize that sadness is part of the equation. You can't get rid of that. And you don't call what's sad, happy. You look for the happiness that's right next to it. ~ Lt. Mark Weber 

A few weeks after Mike died I was talking to a stranger at church, who is now a friend on Facebook, and told her my life is 2 parallel feelings that never, and will never, intersect. One way, let's say traveling from the left, is a sadness like no other. It's heartbreaking (see picture to help drive this point home, I use it as my profile pic on Facebook, although EVERYONE hates it, when I can't express my feelings), gut wrenching, unbearable, and often sends me to my knees crying out for help from above. The other way, traveling from the right, is a love like no other, the kind that can only come from my Abba Father in heaven, raining down blessings that I can't even begin to process (that still happen to this very day) making me ABUNDANTLY blessed beyond measure.

Sadly, just eight days after Lt. Mark Weber's episode of The View aired, he lost his fight with intestinal cancer. 

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .... WOW what a ride. ~ Mark Frost

New Name

My blog has a new name. Someone close to me shared my blog on their Facebook wall and refused to delete it after I asked nicely. I locked it down for the last few months, but those who are faithful readers were upset. I've not decided if this new name is a keeper, but it'll do for the time being. If I'm being honest, I'd love to set up a domain complete with a blog makeover, but that is just wishful thinking at this point.

Along with the new name, I've decided to post (some of my) 150+ drafts waiting to be published. New activity won't always be new, as I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and written a post, only to save it as a draft and not do anything about it.

As always, I hope you enjoy my bloggy friends.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I can't believe it. Pretty has graduated Kindergarten. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was dropping her off to her first day of school. Two years hasn't done much for my emotional state, I woke up feeling the familiar tug on what's left of the pieces of my heart. I told myself I was going to be stronger today, and thanked the good Lord for Cameron not having an 8th grade promotion/graduation ceremony to attend this week.

I gathered my tripod, video camera, nook, and set off to drop the kiddos off to school. I had no intention of being so far back in the crowd, as I was with Dylan's graduation, and so I was going to cop a squat in the courtyard until the chairs were set out and grab a front row seat. As luck would have it, as Peyton and I exited the van, Ms. Cambridge hollered out, "Ms. Johnson, can I see you as soon as you cross the parking lot?" My first instinct was, "OH CRAP! What did I do?" Habits are hard to break sometimes. ;) As I walked up to Ms. Cambridge she said, "It looks like you're planning to stick around for a bit." I said I was and offered my help. YEA! Something to keep my mind off of today.

I walked into the courtyard and saw some of my favorite Kindergarten buddies. I gave high-fives and was telling each of them how awesome I thought their self-portrait was. As I come around the corner Mr. Coppers says, "You have entirely too much spunk this morning. How much coffee have you had?" I told him I don't drink coffee and he responds, "You lie!" I laughed and replied, "Honest. If I don't stay up, I'm going to crash hard." He chats me up while I waited to start my morning job.

When it came time to grab seats, I had the perfect front row spot and couldn't be happier. Mom's that I have been blessed to get to know this year kept my spirits up and I didn't cry. I felt more detached than I would have liked, but self preservation kicks in unexpectedly.

This year's theme, Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss, was a HUGE success.

The graduate asked for a lunch date at Carl's Jr. and so that's what she got. Then we went home and I took some pics of her with her certificate. I am so very proud of you Peyton. I know Daddy is beaming with pride as well. I am blessed to be able to join you for the ride along.

Spring Reading Thing for 2013

I was very sad when I read that Katrina over at Callapidder Days won't be hosting a Spring Reading Thing for 2013. My very first post when I came to blogger was Spring Reading Thing 2008. I completely understand how life takes you away from blogging. I've posted sporadically since my Beloved husband's sudden death 2 years ago. What I haven't posted is that the reason behind my lack of blogging is that I've been focusing on writing my own book, as well as a novel and a few fanfic stories.

I want to be held accountable for my lack of reading during the winter months, therefore I've compiled my list, as I always have, of what I intended to read during Spring Reading Thing 2013.

Update: Sandra over at The Musings of a Book Addict has graciously stepped in to host Spring Reading Thing. Let the reading begin.

Reckless by S.C. Stephens

Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Crush by Nicole Williams

From Ashes by Molly McAdams

Avoiding Responsibility by K.A. Linde

Avoiding Intimacy by K.A. Linde

Fallen Too Far by Abbi Glines

Never Too Far by Abbi Glines

The Vincent Boys by Abbi Glines

The Vincent Brothers by Abbi Glines

Twisted Perfection by Abbi Glines

Entwined with You by Sylvia Day

Stealing Harper by Molly McAdams

Wallbanger by Alice Clayton