Nightmare

I had an awful nightmare about my Grandma last night. Even worse than the nightmare? Waking up all by myself. When I was little and had nightmares, I had my Grandma. As an adult, I had Mike. I would just snuggle in to him. Waking up, with such awful images in my head, and having nobody there made the entire nightmare more real. I know I (my subconscious) put Grandma's image in, but really, it was a nightmare about my beautiful Hubby. I guess my mind wasn't ready to put him in it.

Memorial (Project 365/2010)

Grandma's memorial service was beautiful! I'm not just saying it, I MEAN it. I am so very pleased with it. It was exactly perfect to honor her. Pastor Jeff (Barbour) did a beautiful job and watching him reminded me of his Dad (Pastor Dan, who baptized me). I was so proud of Kandy and B.J. for getting up there and speaking. Jessika and Cameron did a fantastic job as well. Mike, on the other hand, I wanted to slap upside the back of the head. My usually stoic Hubby, who keeps it all together while I fall apart...fell apart. I thought, that's it...I'll never get through the eulogy now. I did get through it. I missed things I wanted to say, but I did it. I eulogized the most important woman in my life. I wonder if Rob or Denice will ever regret not speaking. I wonder if they will regret not having a hand in Grandma's service. If I'm honest, and I am, for completely selfish reasons I'm glad I was the one in charge. Nobody could have done for her what I did. My favorite part of the service was watching their reactions to the DVD slideshow. My Sister in Christ, Marlena, and her husband, Ken, made the most beautiful slideshow of my Grandmother. Never in a million years can I pay them back for that. I recorded the service. Unfortunately it cut off during my eulogy. I'm COMPLETELY fine with that. I'm not sure I would ever have wanted to see me up there, but I do want to share the poem I read at the end.

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.
I think of you in silence I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.

In Loving Memory (Project 365/2010)

I have been feverishly working on my Grandma's memorial service program today. I needed to have these to the print shop by 4:30. Well, it didn't happen. My laptop went down twice today, once I think the computer overheated, and I have NO idea why it shut down the second time. The second time hit me hard, as photoshop hasn't come back up since. Every time I try to open it I get the message, Adobe Photoshop Elements 6.0 (Editor) has stopped working. BOO! I have so many blog drafts waiting for pictures and I'm at a stand still because I can't crop or fix my red eyes. What am I to do? It's not like I know how to use Photoshop, I sure as heck wish I did, but I do know how to fix my photos.

In the meantime, here is Grandma's program for her memorial service. I think it came out beautifully! Of course the computer doesn't do this justice, but in person, my gosh it pops!

Needless to say, I missed the print shop and took it over to Staples to have some test prints done. After Peyton's party tomorrow I'll take them to Office Max and compare the two, order the 50 programs I need from there.

Happy 80th Grandma

I didn't realize it growing up, but the first blessing God ever gave me was my Grandma. She holds a very special spot in my heart. God bestowed the duty of raising me to her and I am grateful. My mom and dad were teenagers when I was born and my mom tricked my dad into joining the Army to get rid of him. He believed we would join him once basic was over. In the time period that he was gone, my mom egg donor proceeded to walk a line paved in gold by Satan. She whored herself out for drugs and during my high school years, I am proud embarrassed to say, she was the biggest drug dealer in our town. When my dad got out of the military he felt that he couldn't fight my Grandma for me and therefore we didn't have a relationship until I was 24 years old. I digress, this post is about my beautiful Grandma.

Now I do not mean to imply that it was all peaches and cream with Grandma, because let's face it, she was my disciplinarian as well. We didn't always see eye to eye and still don't. We are both stubborn as hell, and this has caused a couple of rifts in the last 5 years. Our longest was almost 2 years. She knows I'm the one she can count on when the chips are down, but the chips have to crumble before she'll come to me and by then I'm not very supportive and want to jump up and down screaming, "I told you so!" This usually involves the egg donor. You see, I've written her out of my life and Grandma still believes there is hope.

Growing up with my Grandma was THE best. She was a hoot and every one of my friends called her Grandma. Well, there are 2, that still to this day, call her by her first name. These two are the one's who have more right to call her Grandma than any other friend ever did, seeing as they are practically siblings, my BFF Angelique & her brother Pete. Grandma would dance at my parties (she was the most active senior citizen I've ever known). Oh yes, I had THE best birthday parties and the older I got, Grandma's rule was to make sure the house was clean when she got up in the morning, and with that, she would go to her room. On the weekend, before I could go out with my friends, I had to clean the house. This meant that I couldn't stay the night at a friend's house on Friday's, but they could stay at mine. We would wake up Saturday mornings, Grandma and I, and she would go outside to tend to the yard (Grandma would rack the dirt because she could) and I was responsible for inside. The sooner I got up and got everything accomplished, the sooner I had the rest of the weekend to myself. I didn't receive an allowance, but if I was going out with friends to the mall, movies, or mini golf, Grandma always handed me $10-$20. Although I have a sister from my egg donor and 2 brother's from my dad, I was raised an only child. If Grandma told me to go to my room, I'd go. Hell, I had a TV, VCR, phone, radio...who wouldn't go?

In 2003 my Grandma came down with a rare muscle disease, Polymyositis. It has been hard to witness this cycle of life. A year later she fell and broke her right hip, having 3 screws put into place. A year after that she had her left hip replaced. Last September she fell in my house and broke her foot, adding another screw to her bone structure. And on Friday, her 3 screws were taken out of her right hip and that hip was replaced. I realize she won't live forever. It's a fact of life, but if I've learned nothing these last 3 years, it's that our time here on Earth is limited. Unfortunately, I don't know if she's right with the Lord, and that scares me more than anything. My religion has been a bit of a ... hard pill for her to swallow.

Our plans today were to take her to Disneyland. I was going to buy her the big light up cake hat with all the characters and have matching shirts made up. Instead, she lay in a hospital bed, looped from liquid vicodin. Nonetheless, my amazing Grandma turns 80 years old today. I love you Grandma!

I have more pictures to post when I pull out all my CD's!

Wordless Wednesday: Great-Grandma

"Peyton give Grandma some of your birthday cake!"

Check out more Wordless Wednesday over at 5 Minutes for Mom.