Back to School

I sent the boys to school today. Their first day back since Hubby died (3 weeks ago this morning). Cameron called mid-day, during a blood sugar check, and said, 'What a welcoming committee!' I'm so very blessed that my boys are at AAE! :) When I picked Dylan up from school. His teacher said he had a really good first day back. I'm so very happy! ♥

I'm a a lucky girl...I get another night with Diane! Woo-Hoo! :) We watched, or rather, she slept and I watched, P.S. I Love You. I wish I had chocolate of some kind...REALLY wants ice cream. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough sounds perfect!

The First Day...

It is the day after. I worked the last 3 weeks to have a beautiful service honoring my equally beautiful husband. Now...THIS is the first day of the rest of my life. :'( Have I told you lately how much I HATE Sunday's?!?!?

We woke up this morning and met the Carpenter's for breakfast. Auntie Shelly and Uncle Trace fly home today, so breakfast seemed like a good idea. I originally said I wasn't going to go, but...I wasn't going to be ruled by my emotions. My family came all this way for me. Granted, they were suppose to be here for a HAPPY occasion, which is how Mike had planned it. Instead, January 10th turned it from happy to sad.

You really can't take us Carpenter's anywhere. We are a crazy bunch of people. We took a few crazy shots at breakfast, and the funny thing is, Mike would have HATED it. LOL




After breakfast, and saying our goodbye's, the kids and I went to Target, did a little shopping (which included buying P.S. I Love You for $7...I have been wanting to watch that since Mike died, weird?). My plan for the day was to clean my house. My dear husband must be appalled at how his house looks. Diane, my dear, sweet, loving friend, came to help. She had NO idea what she was getting herself in to.

My main priority was my kitchen. I know people say that the kitchen is the heart of the house, and in my house, it truly is. I am a little chef, and seeing my kitchen in such disarray was really breaking my heart more. We even dunged out the fridge, which, seriously was GROSS! I had shopped the day before Mike died, and NONE of it got used, or thrown out. There were a few time where Diane and I GAGGED.

We worked our way in to my room...hmmmmm...my room, yea, I guess it is mine now. I would love to make my room a little sanctuary, someplace peaceful, beautiful, where I can go and bawl my eyes out if need be. Needless to say, not a whole lot got accomplished there. We sat on my bed, talked, and cried most of the time. Now I get to have a sleepover with Diane!

Memorial

My world played in slow motion today. I watched as my husband was memorialized...it didn't seem real. The service was as beautiful as Mike was. Pastor Jeff Barbour did an amazing job and Pastor Jeff Crandall singing I Can Only Imagine was perfect. Luke's eulogy was outstanding and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Well, that's not true, I would have asked for Luke to be there. I'm still so upset by the fact that Luke couldn't be at Mike's service. Did I do the right thing? Should I have moved it? I struggle with that decision still tonight. Then there is Jamie...I entrusted him to represent the Johnson family and he failed miserably. He was unprepared. He stood up on that stage and acted as if he didn't know his brother. The truth is, he didn't. His family watched as the most amazing man I have ever known was memorialized and they had NO idea who that man was. It makes me so sad.

What makes me sadder? The fact that I had to have bouncers and security at my Hubby's memorial. The urn's were guarded, my seat was guarded, and the mic's were guarded just in case


The reception was exhausting. People upon people wanting a piece of me. Pat said he could see the toll it was taking on me, but I thought I had been hiding it. Ha! I got to see Mike's classroom for the first time. His writing was still on the white board. I can't believe he's gone. More unbelievable is that his mother did not come to the reception, nor his sister. She has yet to say one word to me. I suppose if she couldn't be there for him in life, I can't be there for her in his death.

As per usual, my Aunt & Uncle decided we would meet up at their house in the evening. Even in the death of MY husband, they want everyone at their house. Why? Doesn't MY house seem to be the most appropriate place? Where MY children can be themselves? I put my foot down and said we would not be leaving the house. FINALLY, my family came to me. And not just my family, but my dear friend, Diane, from New York, and her sister, Denise. I was happy to have them. The boys (including the Uncle's) played the Wii, and Cameron KO'd Uncle Trace. It really was exactly what I needed after such an emotionally exhausting day.

I have all of these emotions and I don't know how to express them all. Thanks to you blog...I have a place to put my words, my thoughts, my memories, my fears, my emotions someplace.

The beautiful slideshow my dear friend, Marlena, made for Mike's memorial.

Home

I picked up my husband from the mortuary today. I was fine until my feet hit the floor of my house. A sudden rush of emotion flooded out of me and I lost it. I think it was the hardest I have cried since the day he died. Something about walking in the door of my bedroom, carrying my husband in my arms, bringing him home was more overwhelming that I could have ever imagined.

I am pleased with the urns I picked out. I found them online, and not in that stupid catalog the mortuary gave me. The plus side of buying the urns online was the price break. I picked his urn, based on the beauty of his blue eyes and the steel gray that he adored. In the picture they showed keepsake urns that matched. I was in awe. I decided to buy 3 of the keepsake urns, one for each of our children, and I will give them each one when they leave my house. Finally, I picked the heart keepsake for myself to complete the Johnson 5. I can envision the heart urn and a picture of my beloved sitting on my dresser. I was able to purchase five urns for under the price of one at the mortuary.

I am praying about placing Mike's urn in a nitch at Sunset Hills. I would place his Michael Meyers mask, a few pictures of our family, and keep only the keepsake urns at home.

I bought the bible for our 10 year wedding anniversary, December 2, 2010.

Present from Heaven

I can't believe we did it. I can't believe how precious today was. The Carpenter's invaded Disneyland. We got my Dad to Disneyland! My husband must be beaming down on us from heaven. He worked his butt off the last 2 months of his life to pull this off for me. He will get a great big hug and kiss when I see him.

I bawled like a baby coming off of Haunted Mansion (Mike's favorite ride), and once the waterworks started, I could not contain them the rest of the day. I enjoyed the drive down to Disneyland with my Dad. I am blessed to have him in my life. My favorite part of the day was when we rode Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. My Dad LOVED it. He laughed and laughed and laughed through the entire ride. By the time we got off, I couldn't help but be giddy with joy.

I was fortunate enough to meet up with my dear friends, Jason & Sherida, for dinner at ESPN Zone. After dinner it was off to the Hotel Ménage (YES, that is the REAL name of the hotel we stayed at...hehehe), where the kids were tucked in by 10.

On the downside of the day, my dear Auntie Shelly became violently ill last night, and remained in bed for the remainder of today. I was so sad she couldn't enjoy the time with us.

Daddy Book

I finished, what Peyton affectionately calls, "My Daddy book." I'm not as excited about Mike's as I was Grandma's, but the circumstances are different, aren't they? I am pleased with the orange, as I truly believe he would have wanted the school represented.


I am pleased to have made another memorial program, as I think it adds that personal touch. My cousin, Brian, who works for Xerox, will print 500 of these for me. I'm praying 500 is enough, because with each passing day I hear of more and more people attending.

Nightmare

I had an awful nightmare about my Grandma last night. Even worse than the nightmare? Waking up all by myself. When I was little and had nightmares, I had my Grandma. As an adult, I had Mike. I would just snuggle in to him. Waking up, with such awful images in my head, and having nobody there made the entire nightmare more real. I know I (my subconscious) put Grandma's image in, but really, it was a nightmare about my beautiful Hubby. I guess my mind wasn't ready to put him in it.

Eternally Grateful

I am eternally grateful for my cousin's Brian & Alicia. They have been a GOD send the last 2 weekends. The kids and I really enjoyed ourselves in Henderson and Brian even put in the car stereo Hubby bought me for Christmas. WOO-HOO!

AT&T

After Brian and I picked up my van from Kia, we headed over to AT&T. The gentlemen there told me that I would be charged the early disconnect fee for Mike's line, and to sell my iPhone on Craig's List to recoup that cost. Mike's DEAD, he no longer requires a phone! I was frustrated and pissed off.

After getting back to the house, still brewing, I called AT&T. Guess what? The early disconnect of Mike's phone line was waived. I switched my phone to his (his iPhone is newer and more sentimental as I surprised him with it last Valentine's Day), set me up an individual account, and AT&T gave me a credit of 5,000 rollover minutes to cover my extra usage so I won't get charged an arm and a leg in overage.

Thank you AT&T! I'm still ditching you when my contract is up. Your service as a whole stinks, and since the iPhone has gone Verizon...BYE!

Check Engine

When it rains it pours...check engine light came on while on my drive to Nevada yesterday. Brian and I took it in to their local Kia, and just called with the problem. It is a throttle position sensor and gasket...repair is going to cost $502 plus tax. How am I going to cover that cost? It's a car payment, and I'm just trying to keep my car. I'm so frustrated...this was the last thing I needed.

Numb...

I physically know what numb feels like. I am freezing. I haven't been warm since the day Mike died. I have sweated, and still remained cold to my core. The physicalness of numb is debilitating. The shivering is excruciating. I am forever exhausted from being chilled to the bone. I can't help but wonder if a day will ever come when I will once again feel warmth...

Cremated

I just got the call...my husband was cremated today. I'm waiting for the urns to arrive, and I'm pretty sure they are going to show up today while I'm out of town. Angelique is watching the house (and has dog duty too) while I'm away, so that if the urns are delivered, they can be brought straight in to the house.

Also, Mike's obituary ran in the paper this morning.

Order of Service

I just finished my meeting with Pastor Jeff (Barbour). We went over the order of the service. I am super excited that Pastor Jeff (Crandall) will be singing, and I have to get with him to pick 2 songs. I can't believe this is my life now. HONESTLY...it's surreal. We decided that the kids and I will come in the back and go to the green room. This will keep us from being bombarded from the people attending. I even get a VIP list. Snazzy, right? We will exit the same way we came in, to avoid the same bombardment and to ensure we make it to the reception.

My homework for the weekend is getting the questionnaire done, as well as working on the program for Hubby's service.

Now I am off to Henderson for the weekend. Brian and Alicia invited us. :)

WHY?

I am REALLY trying not to question God...REALLY...but I want to know WHY? Why MY husband? Why HIS children? I just want to January 9th back!

Obituary

I sat down and wrote Mike's obituary this afternoon. It was, hands down, the hardest thing I've had to do thus far.

Now...I'm sitting here, going through pictures of the life I use to have, and my heart is breaking more, IF that is even possible.

I absolutely LOVE how my husband smiles with his eyes!

I love you...

As I put Peyton down for her nap this afternoon, I kissed her and told her I love you like any other day. I have noticed she doesn't say it back as much as she used to, but today she just shook her head no when I said it. I said it again, "I love you Peyton." She shook her head no at me again. I asked, "You don't love me?" Fighting back tears, pouting the worse pout I have ever seen, she shook her head no one last time and said, "I love my Daddy. I want my Daddy." I promptly said, "Me too!" I told her that her Daddy loves her and misses her...I said I love you one more time, laid her down and left. My heart breaks for her.

In other news, I went to the mortuary to sign papers and pick up Mike's keys. After that I was off to the district to sign papers. Finally, I headed over to AVHS to drop off the school keys Mike had on him and ran in to a couple of friends of Mike's. I seem to have gotten a lot accomplished today. Now I'm off to go through pictures of the life I use to have...

Eternally Grateful

I am eternally grateful for my Auntie Pam (PatPam) & my Dad, who has taken turns every night to be with me during this time. I can handle the days...the nights are REALLY hard. Without the both of them, I honestly don't know what I would have done this last week.

Neighbors

My entire street just invaded. They baked a cake and spaghetti casserole. We have lived here for 3 years and (days away from) 5 months, never meeting a soul. The death of my Beloved...great way to meet the neighbors, huh?

How did they find out? My cousin Alicia introduced herself to one of them over the weekend. :)

Will you come back?

I got up early this morning and started with the phone calls. I set up an EIN number for the Memorial Fund. As I got ready to go to the bank to set up the account, Peyton asked if she could come with me. I told her not this time. She looked up at me and said, "Will you come back?" She might as well have tore my heart out of my chest. I said, "Yes baby, I'll be back." Peyton asked, "Do you promise?" I might as well have handed her salt to pour on my torn out heart. I said, "Yes, Peyton. I'll be back." She said okay and left my room.

The Michael Johnson Memorial Fund was set up at US Bank. Account Number 153468437543.

Chris Colfer Wins a Golden Globe!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I can honestly say I am ecstatic! Chris Colfer won a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini Series, or TV Movie. It is no secret my affinity for this man and the character, Kurt Hummel, he plays on glee. I was in tears, which is pretty much my constant state right now, but these were tears of joy, which is few and far between right now.

But most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates, who are constantly told "NO" by people in their environments by bullies at school that they can't be who they are or have what they want because of who they are. Well, screw that, kids! ~ Chris Colder

The man pictured with Chris is Ryan Murphy, co-creator of glee, which won (2nd year in a row) for Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy. I think Ryan needs his own label. I may have to go back and see what else I've written about him.

Jane Lynch won for Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini Series, or TV Movie.

Peyton's First Haircut

I waffled on whether or not to go through with this today. Her appointment has been on the books for over a month. Originally she was set for her first haircut and then off to get her 3 year old pictures. The haircut was all I could gather enough energy for today. I cried for most of it. I'm so blessed that my cousin Alicia came with me and videotaped it. Mike has missed 2 big milestones (Dylan lost his first tooth) already and he hasn't been gone 7 days. My heart aches for the coming milestones that he won't be here to share in.

Faith, Family, Friends

For those who have been reading with me for awhile now, you know that I take the title of my blog VERY seriously. I live by faith and desire my children to do the same.

The family...well, that's harder. Obviously I have a family, and unfortunately we cannot pick our family. Mike and I often said that we made our friends our family. We meant it. One such instance is Chris & Amy. Amy showed up at my doorstep a couple nights ago because I hadn't returned her phone call. I hadn't done that on purpose, I just hadn't gotten to her message yet. (Between the house phone, my cell phone, and Mike's cell phone I have 100 voicemails. This does not include the emails, facebooks, or texts.) Amy, trailed by her 3 beautiful boys, hugged me and we cried. She insisted on making us dinner, and we set it up for Friday night (perfect as my cousin's Brian & Alicia with their 2 boys are coming in).

Fast forward to this afternoon and Alicia tells me they won't be here until 9 tonight. Amy has cooked for an army, no doubt, so I call and ask her and the family to stay. I needed that! Their friendship means the world to me. And I may have to dedicate a post just to them soon.

They were leaving when Brian and Alicia got here. The overlapping was nice, because being by myself at night is REALLY hard. Brian, Alicia & I stayed up...well, into the wee hours of the night (as you can tell by the time stamp). I am blessed by their presence here this weekend.

In the morning, I will keep Peyton's first haircut appointment. The day is just taking a different turn. We were suppose to get Peyton's hair cut, and then her 3rd birthday pictures (as we had to postpone those with the death of my Grandma). Instead, it will just be her haircut...too many firsts this first week (Dylan's first tooth & Peyton's first haircut). :(

First Braid

I put out a request on facebook earlier this week. I asked if someone would donate time and a little money to take the 4 comforters I have to the laundry mat before all the company starts rolling in. To my shock, Pete offered. I laughed, because can you picture Pete, biker, tattoos, going into the laundry mat to wash my comforters. Fortunately Rosemary (& Allison) was there to help out.

When they dropped the comforters back off, they stayed and visited awhile. Peyton was sitting on the couch and Rosemary was playing with her hair. Before I knew it, Peyton had her first braid. She looked SO cute, and she was so bashful about the whole thing. Of course I had to take a picture.

Circus

I am sick to my stomach...Mike's Mother & Sister has turned the comment section of the article (written to honor my husband) the VV Daily Press into a freaking circus. I SERIOUSLY do not need this right now. They took the statement, "His family could not be reached for comment." as a slap in the face. I understand they are grieving, but Michael's family was his wife and children. He VERY much believed in Genesis 2:24...That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. I was contacted and given Natasha Lindstrom's phone number. This article is NOT his obituary, it was in honor of who he was to his colleagues. Natasha just wanted to verify jobs, names & ages of children. AMAZINGLY his colleagues had the names & ages of the kids correct. His age was incorrect (NO BIGGIE), as was his merchandising job, but again...NO BIGGIE!

Did I want to blast them? ABSOLUTELY! Where have they been for the last 11 years? My husband tried to reconcile with his mother over the last 2 years, only to be kicked in the face repeatedly. I'm not saying that his family isn't grieving, because I know they are. What I am saying is, it's too late. I am not going to get into a grieving contest with the Johnson's. MY CHILDREN WIN THAT CONTEST HANDS DOWN! What bothers me is that they were blasting people who were just expressing their sympathies, and thus, after the circus that ensued, all comments seized. Sad.

I posted this comment a few moments ago...

Words will never express the overwhelming love I have for those who have reached out to Cameron, Dylan, Peyton and I over the last few days. Mike was OUR WORLD. Our world imploded Monday morning with the loss of my beloved husband and the greatest father I have ever seen. He was a consummate go getter, and there was nothing he could not attain once he reached for it. Mike would have given you the shirt off of his back if you needed it. I was blessed to watch his relationship with Jesus blossom, and just Sunday afternoon he was ecstatic about the message given at church. Our Sunday was a day right out of a movie…the perfect last day of his life. The last words he spoke to each of our children, and me, were I love you and goodnight. I have not only lost my husband, but I have lost my best friend.

My heart is broken, but it shatters whenever I look at one of my children. Cameron has Mike’s thrill for scaring people and wicked sense of humor. Dylan is his Mini Me, and when he smiles at me, I see his Daddy. Peyton is Daddy’s little girl through and through. When she woke on Tuesday morning she said to me, “My heart is broken. I need Daddy to tape it better.” We were HIS WORLD as much as he was ours and 13 years was not enough time. I don’t know God’s purpose or reasoning for taking Mike so soon. All I know is that God received a mighty warrior Monday morning and I would expect nothing else from my beautiful husband. I can almost picture him in the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20) ready to battle. I’m so grateful he’s on my side. Thank you.

Warrior

For whatever reason, when the doctor (whose name I'll never remember) told me that Mike had passed, I instantly had a vision of my Beloved husband as a warrior. I could clearly see him in armor and even said more than once, "God received a mighty warrior."

I forgot to put on my armor today. Satan attacked me so fiercely that he had me doubting EVERYTHING! After talking to Pastor Jeff, who has been a constant support, and laying all my cards out on the table, I needed to hit Ephesians 6:10-20! I'm wearing my armor, are you?


The Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20)
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Luke

I received upsetting news today. Luke, Mike's best friend and brother in every way imaginable, may not make it to his memorial. I'm sick over this news. Luke has a state test for his job, that can't be rescheduled. Of course I'm praying it can be, but it does not look promising. I just went ahead and planned his memorial for the 29th because of the birthday surprise he was planning for me. Everyone was going to be here then, and I never even knew about this test. I'm fighting myself over this turn of events, as Luke is also the ONLY person I would ever consider handling my Beloved's eulogy. I pray this works out and Luke will be there. If he's not...Luke may never forgive me.

New Glasses

I was suppose to take Cameron to pick up his new glasses on Monday. Well, that didn't happen. We got around to it this morning and I got to say...I REALLY like them!

Honor

Our local paper, VV Daily Press, ran a beautiful article in honor of my Beloved today. I am in AWE.

AVHS has agreed to having Mike's reception, following his memorial, in the gym at the school. Hubby's 2 homes away from home will be represented. I am so happy.

I'm grateful, too, for the 5 hours of uninterrupted (dreamless) sleep I got last night. I needed it!

My heart is broken...

I walked into Peyton's room this morning and said, "Good morning Pretty." Her response was, "Daddy went to heaven." I said yes he did. Peyton said, "My heart is broken." I asked, "Your heart is broken?" She said, "Yes. Daddy needs to tape it better."

My heart is broken too...

Wake Me Up

Please God...wake me up! PLEASE! It's not real, right? My husband isn't dead...he can't be dead. I needed him here with me and our beautiful babies. PLEASE GOD...PLEASE SEND HIM BACK TO US! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

You Left Me!

**WARNING: THIS IS ABOUT AS RAW (R RATED) AS IT GETS**

I was sitting in bed this evening, thumbing through a catalog of urns the mortuary gave me. URNS! With every page I flipped I became angrier and angrier. I began talking aloud...to Mike. At first I was saying, You left me. I can't believe you left me. Tears were flowing freely down my face now and my voice wasn't breaking in sadness anymore, it was hateful and harsh. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME! YOU SON OF A BITCH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FUCKING LEFT ME! YOU SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE HERE!" I stood up off my bed, now screaming much of the same, my fists were raised above my head and I was PISSED! I saw my reflection in the mirror above my dresser and I didn't recognize the person in there. Her face was distorted, flush with anger, and the words coming out of her mouth were equally disturbing. I was shaking my fists, getting ready to pummel my bedroom and then...my arms fell down to my sides and a complete calm came over me. The tears were gone, the anger disappeared without a trace, and I heard my husband say, "No I didn't. Now knock it off!"

Had I annihilated my room, I would have destroyed my Grandmother's urn sitting on my dresser. Knowing Mike the way I do, I'm sure had I carried out my desire I would have gotten a different kind of message...something like, "Feel better? Now whose going to clean this mess up?" I believe it was him calming me down. I believe I heard him, because it was clear as day. The calm was just as quick to wash over me as the anger had been coming on.

I wonder...can he see me? I tell the kids that Daddy can see us. Do you believe that? Or, do we disconnect from earth completely and live solely in heaven? I like to think he can see us, maybe like looking into a microscope or something. I wish I knew.

Dylan Lost a Tooth

Dylan lost his first tooth today. Auntie Pam and I were at the mortuary and my bible study leader, Julie, was babysitting. Apparently Dylan bit in to a cherry and voila...no more tooth. He is super excited about putting it under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy tonight. I'm sad that Mike missed it.

Mortuary & Memorial

I chose Sunset Hills to handle my husband's cremation. If somebody had told me 48 hours ago that I would be planning my husband's memorial, I would have said you were insane. Yet, this morning, after only 90 minutes of sleep, I would take a shower and do just that. My Aunt Pam came with me, and the minute they put us in the room and I sat down...I lost it. I can't believe he's gonee. I can't believe this is my life. I sobbed in my Aunt's arms and when I looked up, there stood my Pastor, Jeff, with his amazing, comforting smile.

Mike's memorial will be held Saturday, January 29th at 10 am in the auditorium of our church, High Desert Church. I'm praying the school will come through for us, as I'm asking if we can hold the reception there.

The reason behind the memorial being so far away is because my husband had planned (for the last 2 months) a surprise for me for my birthday. Mike had been working with my cousin, Sara, to surprise me on the 26th of this month. Sara was bringing her own surprise, our Aunt Shelly. Aunt Shelly was bringing her own surprise, our Uncle Trace. My husband planned his memorial, much like Mande planned hers. The decision has been made to honor Mike's birthday wish for me, and we will all go to Disneyland on the 27th.

Joy

I just spent a GLORIOUS, and MUCH needed 2 1/2 hours on the phone with my girl Diane in New York. We laughed, and I needed that!

There is a scene in the movieSex in the City where Carrie (after being left at the altar by Mr. Big) asks her girls, "Will I ever laugh again?" Ironically, that question played in my mind all day long.

What could we possibly be laughing about 16 hours after the death of my Beloved? The Chaplain the hospital sent in to me after telling me he died. Her name? Joy. Let me tell you, JOY is not what she brought. In fact, the entire time she was in the hospital room with me...she NEVER prayed! Not one time. Oh, she would start off, "Father, we come to you..." and then she would break off and ask me a question. "Lord, God, we ask you..." and then another question. She made several great starts, but was too busy with the who, what, where, when and why of the situation. Joy was of no comfort to me. She failed her job that morning. Who was behind curtain #2? I'll never know.

I had Diane in stitches, and her laughing made me laugh. Nicole, her daughter, came in the room, worried about her Mom, and was dumbfounded when we told her we were laughing.

I'm grateful for the laughs. I'm grateful for the friendship. Words will never express the joy I felt while talking to Diane.

Wake Me Up

Why can't I wake up from this nightmare? (Because I can't fall asleep). Why did you leave me? I can't do this without you! :'(

The Plan Of The Master Weaver

A dear friend on facebook posted this, this morning...

The Plan Of The Master Weaver

Our lives are but fine weavings,
That God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned
...And fashioned in His care.
We may not always see just how
The weavings intertwine,
But we must trust the Master’s hand
And follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
From the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
And trust in Him to guide.

Sometimes a strand of sorrow
Is added to His plan,
And though it’s difficult for us,
We still must understand
That it’s He who fills the shuttle,
It’s He who knows what’s best,
So we must weave in patience
And leave to Him the rest…

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why—
The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver’s skillful hand
And the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Daddy's Smile

I finally fell asleep about 3 am this morning...my eyes popped back open at 4:30 (a whole 90 minutes of sleep) and Dylan was staring back at me. He smiled...his Daddy's smile and I couldn't help but smile back as I fought back a flood of tears. He put his arm around me like his Daddy would have done and said, "Goodnight." Was it Mike? Was it a message? It was surreal.

Worried

I decided to put Dylan in bed with me tonight. Funny...Mike and I never allowed the kids to sleep with us. Our bed was always our sanctuary. I worry about my Mr. Pure of Heart, and I'm not sure if I put him in my bed for me or for him. We were laying in bed and he began to cry. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said he was worried about Daddy (BLESS HIS HEART). We talked about heaven and that there was no need to worry about Daddy, because in heaven Daddy is happy and healthy. We cried together and then he asked me to pray. What? The anti-pray(er)? LOL He fights us every time we pray. We prayed. More crying. He's finally fallen asleep. Now of only I could do the same.

Dylan's questions and concerns are only the beginning. I will be explaining the untimely death of my children's father to them for the rest of my life, won't I?

Selfish

NEVER...in a million years...did I think...NEVER! I'm going to be totally selfish and say I WANT HIM BACK! GOD, GIVE HIM BACK TO ME PLEASE! PLEASE!!!

Numb...

It's a surreal feeling...hearing the words, "I'm sorry to say Mike has passed." Passed what? He didn't pass...HE'S DEAD! My husband is dead. It's all I could think about today...those words. He was here this morning...he woke me up at 5:20 to tell me it was time to get up. How is he not here now? Why?

I waited for a miracle. I've read about them, seen them on TV...coroner goes to perform an autopsy and there's a pulse. My husband could survive anything...he was the strongest man I had ever known. He could beat death, right? Nope...he's still dead. He is laying in a cold, brick building, having his corneas removed, donating skin and bone, waiting for a coroner to cut him open to find out why he isn't here anymore. The most wonderful, giving, loving, beautiful soul I have ever known...has passed. I'm numb.

Snow Bunny

Peyton's expression says it all!

Snow

Watching the snow fall.

Menu Plan Monday

Sunday ~ (Leftover) Lasagna, Salad, & Garlic Bread

Monday ~ Fish Sticks, Mac 'n Cheese, & Veggies (Daddy's cooking while Mama's in class)

Tuesday ~ TV Dinners

Wednesday ~ Roast Chicken, Garlic Red Mashed Potatoes, Asparagus, & French Bread

Thursday ~ Potato Soup w/ Shrimp & Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Friday ~ Chicken Tenders, Sweet Potato Fries, & The Lady's Coleslaw

Saturday ~ Spaghettini w/ Checca Sauce, Salad, & Garlic Bread (This is either Saturday or Sunday's menu depending on when we go to Church)