Memorial

My world played in slow motion today. I watched as my husband was memorialized...it didn't seem real. The service was as beautiful as Mike was. Pastor Jeff Barbour did an amazing job and Pastor Jeff Crandall singing I Can Only Imagine was perfect. Luke's eulogy was outstanding and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Well, that's not true, I would have asked for Luke to be there. I'm still so upset by the fact that Luke couldn't be at Mike's service. Did I do the right thing? Should I have moved it? I struggle with that decision still tonight. Then there is Jamie...I entrusted him to represent the Johnson family and he failed miserably. He was unprepared. He stood up on that stage and acted as if he didn't know his brother. The truth is, he didn't. His family watched as the most amazing man I have ever known was memorialized and they had NO idea who that man was. It makes me so sad.

What makes me sadder? The fact that I had to have bouncers and security at my Hubby's memorial. The urn's were guarded, my seat was guarded, and the mic's were guarded just in case


The reception was exhausting. People upon people wanting a piece of me. Pat said he could see the toll it was taking on me, but I thought I had been hiding it. Ha! I got to see Mike's classroom for the first time. His writing was still on the white board. I can't believe he's gone. More unbelievable is that his mother did not come to the reception, nor his sister. She has yet to say one word to me. I suppose if she couldn't be there for him in life, I can't be there for her in his death.

As per usual, my Aunt & Uncle decided we would meet up at their house in the evening. Even in the death of MY husband, they want everyone at their house. Why? Doesn't MY house seem to be the most appropriate place? Where MY children can be themselves? I put my foot down and said we would not be leaving the house. FINALLY, my family came to me. And not just my family, but my dear friend, Diane, from New York, and her sister, Denise. I was happy to have them. The boys (including the Uncle's) played the Wii, and Cameron KO'd Uncle Trace. It really was exactly what I needed after such an emotionally exhausting day.

I have all of these emotions and I don't know how to express them all. Thanks to you blog...I have a place to put my words, my thoughts, my memories, my fears, my emotions someplace.

The beautiful slideshow my dear friend, Marlena, made for Mike's memorial.