with Love from God, Jesus & Me

This e-mail has been sitting in my inbox for a little while and I got to it this morning. As I was reading it I began to bawl. I cried so hard I got a migraine. I'm sure I don't have to explain to you why I cried, but I'll just say a couple of things. The little boy in this story had thick curly hair like my Mandelyn. Mandelyn's mommia got to keep the two braids that were shaved from her head. The heart and soul of this little boy reminds me SO MUCH of my Mandelyn. I've seen the strength of the mother in this story in my Mandelyn's mommia. If all those aren't enough, the way the little boy describes going to Heaven is EXACTLY the way I pictured it to be when my Mandelyn went home, except I have always said she got a "Hi-5" from Jesus. (Or, as Dylan says it, "Hi-Pie".) There has also been talk of Mandelyn's mommia adopting a little girl sometime in the future. Finally, my Mandelyn didn't write a note to her mommia, she didn't even visit her for some time after she left, but I figure that is because she was hurting too. No matter how neat a place Heaven is, Mandelyn and her mommia were completely and utterly in love with each other and therefore both hurt too deeply to have that experience too soon. BUT, I will tell you this much (and eventually I will put ALL facts into another blog), my Mandelyn did come back, almost immediately, to a select few those first couple of days, and my boys were two she visited often that weekend. She, like little Jimmy, needed to make sure that ESPECIALLY the little ones knew she was okay and happy there. And now since I'm bawling again, I'm cutting this blog off. I do, however, pray that you take from this EVERYTHING you need to. God bless you.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?"

The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

Sally said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ' Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult.

It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?"

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me

I almost missed it...

How selfish am I? I woke up this morning thinking 3 weeks until Christmas. This also means 3 weeks until Christmas break, I can sleep in – WOOHOO! Then the fog cleared. I almost missed it. I almost missed the 6 month mark. I've been so busy finishing my Christmas cards, looking for outfits to wear in our Christmas picture, Christmas shopping, and Mike and my anniversary was Saturday. It almost passed me by. I don't want it to pass me by. I WANT to remember that on the 2nd of every month it had been x number of months since Mandelyn was in a car accident and became our angel in heaven. I NEED to remember that on the 4th of every month it had been x number of months since Mandelyn was taken off the ventilator and I sat in the hospital with her grandpa, my dad and the Payless girls questioning why this was happening. Why did it happen to her? Why Mandelyn? Why is she gone? Why did God need her back home? She must be pretty important up there, is all I can think about. For God to call her back to him so soon, she must be one of his favorite angels. Well, unfortunately, she was one of my favorite angels too and that is when I get a little angry, hurt, confused, and question God. I don't ordinarily make it a point to question His will, because His will be done. However, we have reached that 6 month mark without her and for some reason this hurts more than the others. As I said, Christmas is right around the corner, which means our first Christmas without her. We've already had to overcome many firsts without her, starting right off with her birthday. I thought that would be the hardest thing we'd have to do, but I'm not sure now. I use to buy her an ornament every year. This year I bought us one. An angel that reads, "I am with you because you remember me." Isn't that the truth? Who could ever forget you Mandelyn?

A Little Hello

So, we're cleaning. I know, I know...it's Thanksgiving. But, we usually put our Christmas decorations up this weekend and so we start early. I'm cleaning off the desk, as that's my chore because it's my mess. I decide to do a little deeper cleaning and what pops out? PICTURES!!! Pictures I've seen, but not recently, not since...well, anyway, of course they are of Mandelyn. For me, it was like a little hello on yet another holiday without her. And I want to share one with you so badly. It's just the cutest and Dylan instantly was smiling and screaming because he wanted it. It's definitely one I will be putting in his collage frame up in his room. Enjoy!

What I'm Thankful For...

I was over at my best friends last night. Her daughter, Annie, is just months younger than my Cameron. Annie was showing me all the turkey's she and her brother Jeremy made for school projects. Jeremy's family turkey project was camouflaged as Mickey Mouse! SO SERIOUSLY CUTE! So, Annie made a turkey, titled, "What I'm Thankful For" and on each feather she wrote one thing she was thankful for. One feather said mom and dad, another said God, and so on. On the first feather of her turkey, although misspelled, it said Mandelyn. I'm telling you, it warmed my heart and made me teary eyed. It just goes to show you that almost 6 months after Mandelyn has left us for bigger and better places, she's on the mind of all, young and old. I'm thankful for my friendship with Annie's mother and her four great, hilarious, smart, rowdy children. God Bless and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

That Hug

I have told anyone who would listen about the last hug I got from Mandelyn. The boys and I were at Target and it just so happened that Sara and Mandelyn were there too. When Mandelyn looked our way, she ran up to me, arms wide open, and practically knocked me over. That hug was special to me because she hadn't hugged me like that since I was pregnant with Dylan. She hated not being able to jump all over me while I was pregnant. Let's be honest, until Dylan arrived, she hated that I was pregnant. LOL Anyway, I was so happy that she hugged me like that. I picked her up and kissed her. We held on to that hug longer than any other. The next day, when I was at the hospital, all I could think about was that hug. That hug was her goodbye to me and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Here's the thing now. That hug has been recycled. My baby handsome is now running to me, arms wide open, smiling from ear to ear, and giving me Mandelyn's hug. He started this the day before yesterday. The first time he did it, I was like, hey, I love it! He does it to me 10 times a day now and I couldn't be happier. I know it's a part of Mandelyn that is giving me that hug. On a day like tomorrow, I can't think of anything better to be grateful for: my family, the time spent with Mandelyn the night before the accident, the last hug Mandelyn gave me, and now receiving that same hug from Mandelyn's baby handsome!

Far too long...

11:20 last night…I'm sitting in bed, flipping channels, waiting for Mike to come to bed, when out of nowhere, there she is. I can smell her just like it was June 1st. It's a candy smell, one I have smelled before since she's been gone. I started talking to her instantly. I told her, "I love you Mandelyn. I miss you. But, you need to go see your Mommia more than you need to be here with us. Before you leave, see Cameron too. It's been too long since your last visit." Am I crazy? No. Would I have told someone they were crazy if they said these things? Absolutely, if you had asked me before June 2nd of this year. This isn't our first visit. In fact, she came around A LOT in the beginning, and not to just us. Her spirit was so strong in life, why wouldn't it be just as strong in death? How do I know if she saw Cameron last night? I don't even have to ask. He woke up this morning singing, "I like to moob it, moob it." It's actually, "I like to move it, move it" but she couldn't say that. So, they were dancing last night, which totally means the world to me, because those two could break it down! Maybe someday I'll get on here and tell you all the stories of her visits to me, to Cameron, to Dylan, to her cousins in Washington, to her best friend, to her Gaga…you think we're all crazy? I haven't seen her, but then again, I've lost my Peter Pan complex, haven't I? I grew up. I'm just so happy she took time out to check in on us, because as I've said, it's been far too long since her last visit. I know wherever she is right now, she knows I love her, she knows I miss her, and she knows how cherished she is too me.

Mandelyn's Obituary

I am posting Mandelyn's obituary because I realize some of you haven't visted the page her mom has put up. If you get a chance, please do so, otherwise you are missing out on what an amazing little girl she is. Her obituary follows:

Mandelyn Belle Babcock, 2, passed away on June 4, 2006, due to major head injuries sustained in a car accident that occurred on Friday morning. Doctors and nurses at Loma Linda Hospital lovingly cared for her, but it was obvious from early on that Mande had already gone to be with God. She hung on for a few days to say good-bye to the hundreds who visited the hospital.

Mande struggled her way into this life on July 2, 2003, but did not struggle a bit to steal her way into the hearts of all around her. There were no reservations in the life of this beautiful little girl. There was no limit to the love that she gave. Mande had a clear vision of her mission in life, which was to infuse happiness into the lives of all around her. She left no one untouched or unchanged. In the words of many, "she is a 2-year-old inspiration." She was vivacious, energenic and enthusiastic. Mande was passionate about everything she experienced, whether it be playing naked in a mud puddle, devouring endless amounts of fruit, showing off her best "cheese" for her "mommia's" camera, taking never-ending baths with Gaga in her giant tub, doing homework with Papa or showing Grandpa all around the town, and then some. She has left a legacy for us all about how to truly live life. She had a wit and insight unknown to any 2-year-old and made more friends than seems possible in her short life.

She is a strong spirit, who lived every minute of life to its fullest, and will continue to live on in the hearts of so many, until we meet again. We love you, Babes.

Ring Around the Rosie...

So, Friday night. The kids and I went out for the evening while Mike was selling tickets at the football game. First, we went to Grandma's. Around the time we were leaving, she asked Cameron if he ever plays ring around the rosie with Dylan. He put his head down. At first I didn't know what the problem was, then, as if I had been hit in the stomach, it dawned on me. Cameron said softly, "No. I played that with Mandelyn." Instantly I was crying. A flood of memories hit me all at once and I composed myself, as this was not the time or place for Cameron and I to do this. Off to my best friends house we go. I tell her what happened and I'm crying. She has been a rock for me this entire time! If I just want to talk about anything Mandelyn, she ALWAYS listens. So, time to come home now. We get in the van and pull out onto the street and I hear sniffles. I didn't respond at first, then I asked, "Cameron, what's the matter?" Of course, I didn't need to ask, but wanted him to know I was there to talk. He said, "I miss Mandelyn." That's all he said and proceeded to cry himself to sleep in the car. I can see the three of them, Cameron, Mandelyn, and Dylan playing ring around the rosie in my head. I can hear Mandelyn saying, "Baby Handsome fall down." I can see and hear it as if it was happening, although, it never will. I barely made it through Halloween. I have no idea how I'm going to handle Christmas. Even as I type that, who the hell am I to whine about Christmas? How the hell will Sara handle it? How is she handling any of this? By the grace of God, I tell you. In the beginning...oh my God, 5 months ago, it's been 5 months! In the beginning, I swear to you, I saw the Holy Spirit at work through Sara. She was lifted up and handled the most difficult time in her life with such courage and grace. I was, and still am, in complete and utter awe of it. I love and miss Mandelyn more than I could ever express to you through this. I love and miss her mom just as much. I miss Mandelyn following Cameron around. I miss her trying to get her hands on Dylan. I'm just ... emotionally beat. Goodnight.

Here I Am

I went shopping today. I get into the store, my mind on groceries, list in hand, and I swear to you, not 5 minutes later, in the bread aisle, I almost fell to my knees. A song started...a song I've come to know too well. A song that reminds me of a beautiful little girl, gone to soon, looking down on her family and scratching her head, saying, "What's happened to them? They aren't a family anymore without me." That is a partial truth. This song was played at Mandelyn's memorial. Her uncle Cody made a BEAUTIFUL montage, about 30 minutes, who knows how many pictures, and some well chosen songs. For my best friend, when she hears You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins (Disney's Tarzan), she can't handle it. Me, I have a CD with ALL the songs from the montage. However, about 6 or 7 weeks ago, Cameron asked me not to play it anymore with him in the car, "Momma, it makes me sad and cry and miss Mandelyn even more." So, not having heard this particular song in quite sometime, there I am, in the bread aisle, almost coming undone. The song is titled Here I Am by Bryan Adams (from the movie Spirit). Mandelyn, I love you. I miss you every day. I pray you are watching over us, guiding us, protecting us, being our guardian angel. I pray you aren't disappointed. I pray you wrap your arms around some who need your love right now. I pray you sleep with Cameron soon. I pray you call out to "Baby Handsome" and I pray you take extra loving care of the one who misses you most.

Here the song, and see the video, here.

I want a do over...

Mandelyn has been gone 4 months now. I have not heard her giggle, or say Cameron's name or call out to "Baby Handsome" in 4 months. I realize she wasn't here for the summer. She didnt' get to play at the water park, we didn't get to go to the outside movies at Victoria Gardens, we didn't even get to play sidewalk chalk or eat ice cream this summer. As fall is upon us, we won't be going to the pumpkin patch together, or even stopping by to take pictures of the kids in their costumes on Halloween (WHICH WILL DEVESTATE ME TO NO END). Furthermore, I have no little girl to buy for this Christmas. And, wouldn't you know it, this year, I have TONS & TONS of ideas for her. There will be no picture of Cameron and Mande infront of my tree this year. And Christmas Eve will be less one beautiful, energenic, vibrant, little girl. Today I find myself back to where I was 4 months ago. I WANT A DO OVER!!! I want to hug her again. I want to hear her giggle. I WANT TO SEE HER PLAYING WITH CAMERON!!! I want that so badly. I want her to see what Dylan is doing now. They could have danced together, or sang as Boots and Dora, "We did it!" or heard him say "Backpack" today. I WANT A DO OVER!!! I just want a do over...

My Most Beautiful, Wonderful, Glorious Dream

I had the most beautiful dream this morning. It would have been more realistic if Mandelyn had been diagnosed with some disease, rather than just ripped from us in an instant. Sara and Mandelyn, along with family and friends, were on a cruise ship … why a cruise ship? I don't know, but maybe because of size. Anyhow, we all traded Mande off, each spending quality time with her, essentially saying our goodbyes. Beautiful sentiment, don't you think? If only that could have been. For my family, it almost was. We had a fluke meeting at Target the night before the accident. Mandelyn spent her last night on earth with us and for that, I'm eternally grateful. For those who know Mande's story, you know SHE was the one saying goodbye, and had been doing so leading up to the accident. We, however, said our goodbye's while she laid in a hospital bed on life support. My dream was peaceful, she was running around, hollering Cameron's name, saying, "Baby Handsome" and just being Mande. When I awoke from this magnificent dream, I expected to be down, but it was opposite. It was as if I (WE) just spend the night with her and actually felt REALLY good this morning. Cameron has seen her, but he believes he's dreaming. I have told Sara repeatedly that I want Cameron to tell me when he's 18 that Mandelyn came and slept with him. Or, when he has his firstborn (if it's a girl she will more than likely carry the name Mandelyn or Belle in some form or fashion) that she came to visit him and high-five him or something. Sara believes, and as do I, that these two will grow up together. And here is where the water works come. I can talk about Mandelyn ALL day, EVERY day, and only tear up, but when I talk about these two, I crumble to pieces. I just want her to be there for Cameron. I want him to know that he can ALWAYS go to her. I want to have more dreams like last night too. The kids were older, not terribly older, but where Dylan was cracking Mandelyn up with his newfound dancing and talking. You see, Cameron would crack Mandelyn up when she was a baby, and now Dylan is at the age where Mandelyn and he could have really started to get along. That is bittersweet, you know? Okay, enough rambling. I really only intended to talk about my dream, which has kept a smile on my face all morning.

Mandelyn's Marker Dedication

We visited Sunset Hills today for Mandelyn's marker dedication. At first, I must admit, I wasn't thrilled that we were doing this on Cameron's birthday. He's already missing her so badly and continually talking about her not being here for his birthday. He had a song he wanted to sing, but got up this morning and said he really didn't feel like it. I thought, "OH NO! Here is comes. He's not going to do this today." Mind you, this kid has been PATIENTLY waiting for his cousin's marker to come in. When the time came to go, he ran out the door, which of course relieved me. On the way there, he said, "Mama, I get to spend my birthday with Mandelyn!" He was then excited. I sighed a great sigh of relief. We blew bubbles and Mandelyn's Uncle Cody played his new acoustic guitar. I videotaped it and took some pictures of everyone for Sara to have and to send to her dad, who lives in Washington and couldn't make it. All in all, a wonderfully spent time, visiting, and taking in everything Mandelyn. I miss her so much and tomorrow is going to be so hard. We're having Cameron's 7th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. Cameron isn't worried though, "She'll be at Chuck E. Cheese with us tomorrow." However, even as upbeat as he is, he is continually asking questions about cremeation (Mandelyn was cremated) and her marker and if she's under it. Let's face it, he is ONLY 7. Already at 7, so much he has had to endure. Mainly the loss of his beautiful cousin, who thought the sun and moon rose and set on him. Oh, how I pray for his little heart to heal.

Just 3 months...seems like a year

My niece has been gone only 3 months. She was taken off life support near midnight on June 4th, but she hadn't been with us the previous 2 days, so it was expected. I had a rough couple of days. I just want to see her. I want to hear her voice. I wish I could feel that knock-me-over hug she gave me the night before the accident. I wish...a million different things. I wish her mom comfort. I wish Cameron could understand that we can't replace her. I wish Dylan would remember how in love she was with him. I wish Mike could go back to that night and do things differently. I wish...does no good. That is why it is a wish. I pray. I pray for the comfort her mom needs. I pray Cameron realizes what a blessing 35 months was. I pray she always visits Dylan. I pray Mike comes to terms with the circumstances surrounding those 3 days. Three days...wow! I can ALMOST tell you every detail about those 3 days. For the longest time, I didn't recall what she looked like all hooked up in that bed. Unfortunately, I now can. I kissed her. I held her hand. I told her I loved her. Could she hear me? Did I tell her enough that I loved her while she was alive? We went to Mojave Narrows new water park today. Mandelyn waited for that to be open for so long. It opened after she was gone. We had her 3rd birthday party, without her, there. It only seemed appropriate to be there today. I just pray she was with us.

Too Much Name for Her Mouth

So, yesterday was my brother's birthday. The family got together for dinner at Red Lobster. Well, not the whole family. My cousin wasn't there and it was hard being together without Mande. But I don't want this to be a downer today. Today, I want to share a Mande story. Mandelyn couldn't say her whole name, Mandelyn Belle Babcock. It was just TOO much name for her mouth. Instead, she would turn Italian (which she didn't have an ounce of in her) and say, "I'm a Mandelyn-A-Bellcock." I wish I could hear her say that right now. Actually, what I wouldn't do to hear her say, "Baby Handsome" just one more time. I miss you Mandelyn.

Mandelyn's Gone NOT Forgotten

I finally decided to get onto myspace and all I want to do is talk about my niece. It seems like everytime I get on this computer, all I ever want to write about is my Princess Mandelyn. I get grumpy, not so much because of me, although I miss the heck out of her everyday, but mainly because of my boys. Cameron and she were like "peas and carrots" as Forrest Gump said. No two cousins could have loved each other more. Cameron has his good days and his bad. How do you explain to your 6 year old that his 3 year old cousin isn't coming home, but be happy that we got to know her? I try. Some days it comes easier to me, but then there are days like today, where nothing I say comes out right. And Dylan, bless his heart, will never remember just how much she was in love with him. He does, however, remember her. I can say to him, "Where's Mandelyn?" And he'll go straight to her picture on the wall, and the collage I made, stare at her and talk to her. It's the sweetest, but also bittersweet, you know? It's just so frustrating at times. I wake up from a dream about her and the realization she isn't here hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I realize that we aren't meant to be on this planet forever, and that there is a better place for us in the end, but her end came too soon. Today, I feel as though I'm in a dream and would like it if someone would pinch me back to June 1st. Mandelyn may be gone, for now, but she will never be forgotten.