What I Have Accomplished

Last year I learned of International Widows Day through Soaring Spirits. I wasn't very happy about this, to say the least, because it means there is enough of us to warrant such a day, which completely breaks my heart. However, it also means I'm not alone and that there are others out there dealing with the same emotions I deal with on a day to day basis. On May 20th I saw a post hit my Facebook timeline from Soaring Spirits about this upcoming day. They were looking for stories that told of something widows have accomplished since the death of our Beloved spouses. Here is mine.

I'm late writing this because I was too busy accomplishing my story. You see, everyone told me the first year would be the hardest, but they lied. The first year is a cakewalk because you are so numb you don't feel anything. Now that second year, that one was a doozy. It was the hardest year for me and for my children. As we approached the third year I received a message from God. He told me it was time to go to work. Lord knows I needed the income otherwise the kids and I were going to be living in a van down by the river. I was hired on as a substitute teacher in September. For the first time in 14 years I went to work and I was no longer a stay-at-home-mom. A month later I received another message. God told me to go back to school to finish my teaching credential and Master's degree (I was in the middle of this program when my mother and Beloved husband passed 2 months apart). Whoa! Wait! What?!?! Seriously Lord, is this a joke? I just went back to work. Not a joke and in November I went back to school.

In the last 9 months I've accomplished being a single, working parent who is going to school at night and maintaining a 4.0 GPA. As the last day of school approached I was in shock that I accomplished this, but I didn't do this on my own. No way. I have the most amazing support system. I have friends who bus my children to and from school on days I work, as well as an awesome babysitter who keeps my kids on the nights I'm in class, and let's not forget the peers I've met in class who encourage me and raise me up and who I can call friends. I may be one of the oldest students in class, but I'm there, doing what needs to be done.

I do all of this to be an example to my biggest accomplishments. These three have suffered a loss I'll never truly understand. They were 11, 5, and 3 when their Daddy died. They had a family life that neither of their parents ever grew up with, two dotting parents who love each other, raising them up in the Lord, and breaking the cycle of dysfunction. It's no small feat to carry this on by yourself. We've celebrated birthdays and holidays by ourselves. We've lost a first tooth, started school, graduated kindergarten, began middle school and high school by ourselves. I've taken them on vacations by myself. Heck, I've even taken a vacation and left my children in the care of my Aunt. My Beloved and I never left the kids behind, it was always family time with us. This last year has been the biggest transition of all and yet, I feel as though this is only the beginning of many great things to follow. Not a day will go by that I wish I could share these accomplishments with my Beloved, but as my teenager would put it, "Dad is so proud of you." I know he's smiling down on us and gushing over his family in heaven as he did here on earth.

Parenting a Teen Boy

I never missed having a father growing up because I had my Grandma. She was mother and father rolled into one. She taught me how to keep house, do my laundry, iron my clothes, shave, pitch a baseball, climb a tree, and drive. She would be the first to admit she didn't teach me how to cook, that was self taught. I taught myself how to ride a bike (I had broken blood vessels in my chest for a couple of months to prove it) and how to swim (Grandma was deathly afraid of water). When my monthly friend visited me for the first time at 11 years old she referred me to my egg donor (i.e. the woman who gave birth to me but didn't stick around to be my mother). My uncles were there to teach me how to shoot, and ride a motorcycle. My aunt taught me how to throw a punch a not hurt myself.

I suppose Cameron is lucky that his Mom is a tomboy. I taught him how to ride a bike and to shoot a basketball (because as much as Grandma loved baseball, my sport was always basketball). Much to my Beloved's dismay I taught Cameron to burp and how to play the fart game. I taught him how to tie a tie (courtesy of YouTube) when he asked to wear one of his Dad's for his 6th grade graduation. I will be the one to teach him how to drive. And although I joked about teaching him how to shave his legs, I will be the one teaching him how to shave (I am petrified of this).

I parent differently than I did when it was my Beloved and I. I am Mom and Dad rolled into one. Walking that line is like walking a tightrope. I write this backstory as a precursor for a conversation we had this morning as we walked out of the house for church.

Me: School starts tomorrow. A clean slate. You had better step up your game.
Cameron (in his very annoyed teenager tone): I knoooow.
Me: I mean it Kid. I am gonna be all up in your a ...
Cameron (appalled and laughing): MOM! You will not be up my anus.
Me (laughing): Let me finish! I was going to say aeries (school website to check grades and missing assignments and I'm still laughing).
Cameron (cracking up): I thought you were going to say something else.
Me (serious): If you aren't doing your job then yes I will be up your a ...
Cameron (wicked smile): ANUS!
Me (still serious): Nope. I was gonna say ass. But you get the point. I will be all up in it.
Cameron (trying to be serious): Mom, it is an exit, you can't be in there.
Me (dead pan): Bet me. You need to up your game otherwise I will introduce your ::clears throat:: anus to my size 7 and a half ...
Cameron (mouth gapping open): OH. MY. GOD. MOM!
Me (ROTFLMBO): I was going to say shoe.

We both laughed until we got to church. I thank you not leaving me a comment or message to chastise me for using the word ass. I'm a Christian. Not perfect. :)

Three Years and 70 Days

Today my Beloved has been gone for 3 years. It seems impossible. It doesn't feel that long. He was just here. We were just singing Lead Me by Sanctus Real while he changed the blown out lights in the kitchen and I picked up the living room. He just woke me up, told me it was 5:20 and that would be the last time I ever heard his voice, or saw his face thru non-glasses, blurred vision. Time moves differently after the immense loss of someone you held so dearly.

Today my Peyton has been without her Daddy for as long as she had him. Three years and 70 days was all my beautiful daughter got with the most amazing father I could have ever asked for.

Today my heart breaks.

I lost my faith...

Conversation with the teen yesterday...

Cameron: I lost my faith after Dad died.
Me: I know.
Cameron: I just couldn't believe all the death we had.
Me: I agree.
Cameron: But you never gave up and the blessings kept coming in. I couldn't deny it.
Me: Because God loves us. He wants nothing but the best for us. He knew when Dad was going to be called home. We didn't, but He did. God didn't forsake us with the death of Dad, which is how you saw things. Instead He chose to bless us. Psalm 68:5 says, "God in His holy dwelling is a father of the fatherless and a champion of widows." You aren't fatherless kid, you have a Heavenly Father who wants nothing but the absolute best for you. I have a Heavenly Husband who is my Champion. The Bible says a lot about taking care of fatherless children and widows. That is why we are abundantly blessed. That is why I hardly ever worry anymore. Because I know that God has us in his hands.
Cameron: And Dad wouldn't let anything happen to us either.
Me: You are absolutely right! I'm certain Dad has a lot to do with it as well. My prayer for you, Dylan and Peyton. I never want you to know what it feels like to be alone, because with God in your corner, you never will be.

The healing that has taken place in Cameron this year is an answered prayer. I pray he continues to grow and cultivate his relationship with the Lord. I realize we're the "single parent family" statistic, but I pray we bypass that because his Dad didn't leave us, he died. He remembers his Dad going to church, being the provider of his family, the chivalrous man he was, and that those memories of his Dad are instilled in his own foundation.