Faith

On June 2, 2006 my faith was tested. I, more than anyone else, was shocked to realize just how much faith I had. My beautiful niece, a month before her 3rd birthday, was killed in a car accident. Technically, she isn't my niece, my cousin Sara and I are like sisters, my kids call her Auntie, and Mandelyn is, in all the ways that it mattered, my niece. Actually, I use to call her Cameron's practice sibling. I digress. Without explanation, I knew it was Mandelyn's time to go home. I was...okay, for lack of a better word, that she came, she saw, she conquered and I have often said I picture her getting a hi-five from Jesus when she returned. Maybe okay is the wrong word, peace, I was at peace with the situation.

I was, am not, at peace with what occurred 18 months later. For nothing more than the freakin' thrill of it, my amazingly gifted cousin, Cody, and his girlfriend, Bodhi, were murdered. The peace I felt with Mandelyn was nowhere to be found when Cody was murdered. I have days...wow, I have days I can't even describe. For if I describe my feelings, one would think I was on a fast track to hell. Or, as Angelique says, "Going to hell on a greased pole."

As if losing these 2 precious people weren't enough, a month later my uncle died unexpectedly. I remember the phone call, I remember my hysterical crying in my husband's arms, and I remember my emotions shutting down for a good 6 months after.

Over and over in my head the thought, God will not give you more than you can handle. Yet, a few months after my tears returned, my first born looses 11 pounds (15 total in just 12 days) in just a matter of days, his color drains, his breathing is labored and I thought, when the doctor asked if I was home alone, that he had cancer. Not that Type I Diabetes wasn't bad, but diabetes wasn't a death sentence. Let's not forget my diagnosis of Lupus (which I still am not completely on board with) and prediabetic just 2 weeks after Cameron's. God will not give me more than I can handle? Seriously? My faith was strong. My faith was a foundation I didn't realize was rock solid just 33 short months ago. Today...ah, today I look at the last 3 years and say, WTF?

I have failed the test. Miserably! I feel like Jesus on the cross, "Why have you forsaken me?" Harsh, yes, but true. My desire for church is gone. I open the bible to read, and I always find something else to fill my time. I'm on my knees, pleading with Him right now to find me again, to fill me with His love and to let me know all is right.

Am I Missing Something Here???

Disclaimer: This is a rant...and it may not be for all eyes.

From the second I got the phone call all I could say was, "I don't understand." Here it is, 405 days later, and I am still saying, "I don't understand." How is it that the DA is seeking the death penalty for McGlaughlin, the POS (piece of shit) who murdered my cousin, and is now claiming insantiy, but only seeking life in prison for Smith, who, according to new evidence, shot Bodhi! Does that make sense to you? My Associates degree, belive it or not, is in Criminal Justice, with certificates in Forensics. I realize the system doesn't always work, but WTF?

McGlaughlin was definitely the ring leader, his guns, his idea, etc. Smith went along with it. Ahhh, and let's not forget Thomson, serving as lookout, and who clearly knew everything that went down when A) he heard the gunshots, and B) the two came back to the van wearing evidence. They did stop off on the side of the road and burn their clothes and McGlaughling bought them new shoes. All three of these POS's should be tried equally for the murders of my cousin and his girlfriend. ALL THREE!

I don't give a rats ass that Smith was the one who gave it all up. He didn't do it of his own free will! He was being interviewed and cracked. I don't give a shit that he took the investigator's to the bunker and gave them his reenactment of what went down, because evidence shows the rifle in his hand shot Bodhi as McGlaughlin shot my cousin. BOTH died together, and McGlaughlin wasn't the only shooter as Smith claimed. Am I missing something? Did my brain fall out? Did the DA's?

This is a three-ring circus and the price of admission is the thrill kill of my cousin and his girlfriend.

Indescribable

I originally posted this blog on January 7, 2008 on my myspace blog. I thought I would finally share a little something of the tragedy my family has endured over the last few years.

My cousin, Sara's brother and Mandelyn's uncle (which was also her first word, "Uncle"), and his girlfriend were murdered on January 5th. If you've seen today's paper, that is exactly who I am talking about. My heart is so heavy! Not only was he a great guy, but a FANTASTIC musician! That kid picked up a recorder when he was about 6 and amazed us all. He started out using the music given to him in class, but shortly after could play other songs just by sound. He eventually ventured into guitar and could reproduce a song by sound. He was amazingly talented! Seriously, like beyond words. We had just spent Christmas and New Year's Eve together. His sister hosted Christmas dinner this year and I'm so eternally grateful for that. He got the biggest kick out of Dylan and all his mischief. I have him on video showing off his beautiful tattoo in memory of Mandelyn. For the second time in as little as 19 months, I have had to sit my son down and tell him he lost another cousin. He just starred at me, like what? His response was, "Why is there such evil in the world?" A question I am not capable of answering. He reminded me of the Fast and Furious car that my uncle, aunt, Sara, Cody & Mandelyn got him for his 5th birthday. A lightbulb went over my head. I knew I had pictures of him and Cody with this car. I uploaded them today. When Cameron saw this he smiled, then put his head down. He said he liked Cody better at that age. A statement only a little guy would make. Cody would have been 19 next month. I know I have pictures of Cody at the park from when he was 3...finding those are going to be more problematic, but once I have them, uploaded they'll be. Our (Sara, Cody, and my) aunt's statement of finding out about Cody was, "I didn't know life could be so cruel." It's a fair assessment, if you ask me. I could at least wrap my mind around the passing of Mandelyn. It was an accident. This, this I'm having trouble with, from the depth of my soul. I have faith. Anyone who knows me knows that, but it's been rocked BIG time. This family, my aunt, uncle, Sara and her sister, and the rest of us too, is still coping with the death of that beautiful little girl that wrapped everyone around her little finger from the moment she met you. Now, like salt to a wound, we are forced to come to terms with the unexplainable...their only son and brother, murdered, taken from them deliberately. Our aunt said that "...some could say Mandelyn needed somebody with her, but, why him? Why somebody so young, why not one of the older one's in our family?" As I lay in bed the first night, trying to sleep, I imagined Mandelyn standing there, waiting for Cody in Heaven, and the biggest smile on his face as she greeted him, "Uncle."