Faith

On June 2, 2006 my faith was tested. I, more than anyone else, was shocked to realize just how much faith I had. My beautiful niece, a month before her 3rd birthday, was killed in a car accident. Technically, she isn't my niece, my cousin Sara and I are like sisters, my kids call her Auntie, and Mandelyn is, in all the ways that it mattered, my niece. Actually, I use to call her Cameron's practice sibling. I digress. Without explanation, I knew it was Mandelyn's time to go home. I was...okay, for lack of a better word, that she came, she saw, she conquered and I have often said I picture her getting a hi-five from Jesus when she returned. Maybe okay is the wrong word, peace, I was at peace with the situation.

I was, am not, at peace with what occurred 18 months later. For nothing more than the freakin' thrill of it, my amazingly gifted cousin, Cody, and his girlfriend, Bodhi, were murdered. The peace I felt with Mandelyn was nowhere to be found when Cody was murdered. I have days...wow, I have days I can't even describe. For if I describe my feelings, one would think I was on a fast track to hell. Or, as Angelique says, "Going to hell on a greased pole."

As if losing these 2 precious people weren't enough, a month later my uncle died unexpectedly. I remember the phone call, I remember my hysterical crying in my husband's arms, and I remember my emotions shutting down for a good 6 months after.

Over and over in my head the thought, God will not give you more than you can handle. Yet, a few months after my tears returned, my first born looses 11 pounds (15 total in just 12 days) in just a matter of days, his color drains, his breathing is labored and I thought, when the doctor asked if I was home alone, that he had cancer. Not that Type I Diabetes wasn't bad, but diabetes wasn't a death sentence. Let's not forget my diagnosis of Lupus (which I still am not completely on board with) and prediabetic just 2 weeks after Cameron's. God will not give me more than I can handle? Seriously? My faith was strong. My faith was a foundation I didn't realize was rock solid just 33 short months ago. Today...ah, today I look at the last 3 years and say, WTF?

I have failed the test. Miserably! I feel like Jesus on the cross, "Why have you forsaken me?" Harsh, yes, but true. My desire for church is gone. I open the bible to read, and I always find something else to fill my time. I'm on my knees, pleading with Him right now to find me again, to fill me with His love and to let me know all is right.