Ring Around the Rosie...

So, Friday night. The kids and I went out for the evening while Mike was selling tickets at the football game. First, we went to Grandma's. Around the time we were leaving, she asked Cameron if he ever plays ring around the rosie with Dylan. He put his head down. At first I didn't know what the problem was, then, as if I had been hit in the stomach, it dawned on me. Cameron said softly, "No. I played that with Mandelyn." Instantly I was crying. A flood of memories hit me all at once and I composed myself, as this was not the time or place for Cameron and I to do this. Off to my best friends house we go. I tell her what happened and I'm crying. She has been a rock for me this entire time! If I just want to talk about anything Mandelyn, she ALWAYS listens. So, time to come home now. We get in the van and pull out onto the street and I hear sniffles. I didn't respond at first, then I asked, "Cameron, what's the matter?" Of course, I didn't need to ask, but wanted him to know I was there to talk. He said, "I miss Mandelyn." That's all he said and proceeded to cry himself to sleep in the car. I can see the three of them, Cameron, Mandelyn, and Dylan playing ring around the rosie in my head. I can hear Mandelyn saying, "Baby Handsome fall down." I can see and hear it as if it was happening, although, it never will. I barely made it through Halloween. I have no idea how I'm going to handle Christmas. Even as I type that, who the hell am I to whine about Christmas? How the hell will Sara handle it? How is she handling any of this? By the grace of God, I tell you. In the beginning...oh my God, 5 months ago, it's been 5 months! In the beginning, I swear to you, I saw the Holy Spirit at work through Sara. She was lifted up and handled the most difficult time in her life with such courage and grace. I was, and still am, in complete and utter awe of it. I love and miss Mandelyn more than I could ever express to you through this. I love and miss her mom just as much. I miss Mandelyn following Cameron around. I miss her trying to get her hands on Dylan. I'm just ... emotionally beat. Goodnight.