June 2, 2006...the day my world stood still!

This blog is a more than a week overdue. Sara said she's been checking daily for it, but it takes so much out of me to do this. With Cameron home, it's harder, as I sit here crying my eyes out, I don't want to upset him. He hates to see me cry, but here it is…

A year ago I was sitting in my church, Cameron's head buried under my arm, crying because the little girl in those pictures was no longer with us. Cameron took it hard; because there were A LOT of pictures of him and Mandelyn…they were, after all, "best friends" and "best cousins". Once in awhile I wonder how we survived last year. By the grace of God! By the grace of God!

June 2, 2006

"Tiffany, what's going on?"

"Who is this?" I asked.

"It's Micah, what's going on?"

"I don't know, what's going on?"

"With Sara?" Micah responded.

"Micah, I don't have a clue."

"You don't know?"

"Know what?" I asked.

"Sara was in an accident."

"Where's Sara?"

"It's Mandelyn. It's bad." The words didn't register.

"No, Mandelyn's at school."

"No, she was taken by helicopter to Loma Linda. She has severe head trauma."

I woke up that morning, thinking I needed to talk to Sara. ALL MORNING! Finally I called, but she didn't answer. I later found out she was being loaded into the ambulance when I called. After hanging up the phone with Micah, I called my husband. After hanging up with him, I called Angelique. My head spinning. Were the words really coming out of my mouth???

I was in denial most of that first day. The advances in medicine are so great, she'll be fine. They are overreacting…always with the worst case scenario and then they'll come in and say, "She's going to be fine!" Sara can't lose her. It's impossible. She was just here! She was just playing with Cameron last night. She'll be fine.

I got to that hospital, sat in a room with my family and friends. My Aunt, Mandelyn's Ga, came in and I could no longer live in denial. She wasn't expecting me there, I could see that in her eyes. When she looked at me, I could see she didn't want to say the next words that would come out of her mouth. Mandelyn wasn't going to make it. She fell to the floor, rolling around, crying, shuttering, a sight I'll not soon forget, if ever. I looked around the room, my brother was shaking his head, his wife visibly crying, my step-mother kept saying, "No! I want my miracle! Pammie, I want my miracle! I won't accept this!" Seriously? We're seriously saying that Mandelyn is going to die? Impossible! Isn't it? I have said that I blocked much of what Mandelyn looked like those days in the hospital. That was until around September/October, when they came flooding back to me like a TON of bricks. That little angel looked nothing like the night before when I saw her. In fact, my initial response to myself was, "Where is Mandelyn? This isn't her! Where is she? We have to find her, she's out there somewhere." After seeing Mandelyn, I called home. I called my husband to tell him, he was at work, the kids were at Auntie Angelique's. I told him to hold it together, because I wanted to be there to tell Cameron. I called Angelique, told her, and asked her to keep it together while my kids were there. Could they do this? Mike walked in to pick up the boys and Angelique had to grab him and move his face from the kids. I called because I knew I would not be able to see their reactions. I was already going to have to tell Cameron and watching my cousin, who is my sister in every way possible, live this was going to be too much! I couldn't handle my husband and best friend, other sister, too. Selfish on my part? Absolutely! Self-preservation? Maybe? I came home that night in no way, shape, or form ready to tell Cameron. In some ways I was still in denial…things could change overnight, right? I didn't talk about it much to Mike either. I just … was! Does that make sense?

...that's all I can post for today. I'll post June 3rd tomorrow.