Three Years and 70 Days

Today my Beloved has been gone for 3 years. It seems impossible. It doesn't feel that long. He was just here. We were just singing Lead Me by Sanctus Real while he changed the blown out lights in the kitchen and I picked up the living room. He just woke me up, told me it was 5:20 and that would be the last time I ever heard his voice, or saw his face thru non-glasses, blurred vision. Time moves differently after the immense loss of someone you held so dearly.

Today my Peyton has been without her Daddy for as long as she had him. Three years and 70 days was all my beautiful daughter got with the most amazing father I could have ever asked for.

Today my heart breaks.

I lost my faith...

Conversation with the teen yesterday...

Cameron: I lost my faith after Dad died.
Me: I know.
Cameron: I just couldn't believe all the death we had.
Me: I agree.
Cameron: But you never gave up and the blessings kept coming in. I couldn't deny it.
Me: Because God loves us. He wants nothing but the best for us. He knew when Dad was going to be called home. We didn't, but He did. God didn't forsake us with the death of Dad, which is how you saw things. Instead He chose to bless us. Psalm 68:5 says, "God in His holy dwelling is a father of the fatherless and a champion of widows." You aren't fatherless kid, you have a Heavenly Father who wants nothing but the absolute best for you. I have a Heavenly Husband who is my Champion. The Bible says a lot about taking care of fatherless children and widows. That is why we are abundantly blessed. That is why I hardly ever worry anymore. Because I know that God has us in his hands.
Cameron: And Dad wouldn't let anything happen to us either.
Me: You are absolutely right! I'm certain Dad has a lot to do with it as well. My prayer for you, Dylan and Peyton. I never want you to know what it feels like to be alone, because with God in your corner, you never will be.

The healing that has taken place in Cameron this year is an answered prayer. I pray he continues to grow and cultivate his relationship with the Lord. I realize we're the "single parent family" statistic, but I pray we bypass that because his Dad didn't leave us, he died. He remembers his Dad going to church, being the provider of his family, the chivalrous man he was, and that those memories of his Dad are instilled in his own foundation.

Happy 14th Birthday Cameron

I can't believe Cameron is a freshman. Every time someone mentions, "Oh, isn't Cameron a freshman now?" I feel a little sucker punch to the stomach. Can I be in denial a little bit longer please? I can't believe Mike isn't here to empathize with me about having a high schooler. My baby boy, my first born, the one who made me a Mama, is 14 today. I suppose there is no more denial to be had. A few days before school started I had a mini-meltdown. Obviously Peyton has changed the most, she was only 3 when her Daddy died, but I feel like it's Cameron that is a completely different child than he was just 2.8 years ago. He's 5'7, taller than his Dad and I. His voice has changed. He has hair. He is a young man. A young man who is relying on his mother on how to be a man. I am not sure that I'm qualified for the job.

On September 7, 1999 I went in to my OB for my regular weekly check-up. My blood pressure was high. I explained that within the last week my dad's house was in danger due to the Willow Fire and my step-dad had been in a head-on collision on his way to work. The nurse asked me to lie on my left side and relax. Finally the doctor said that I was to go straight to the hospital, he was inducing me. Well, as you know I'm stubborn as hell and when we left the doctor office I told Mike to take me home. I needed to pack my hospital bag (I hadn't done that yet because I wasn't due until the 21st) and I wanted to talk to Grandma. Everyone was sitting at the dinner table when we came in and I told them what was going on. Grandma looked at Mike and said, "And you didn't take her straight to the hospital?" Mike replied, "Can you tell her to do anything she doesn't want to?"

When we got to the hospital everything was ready. I was taken to a room, and IV started, after the first one blew (I had a beautiful bruise on my forearm because of it) and some kind of pill was put next to my cervix to begin the process. It was 6:35 pm. I don't remember when the pitocin was started by IV, but I do remember the doctor breaking my water at 2:30 pm the following afternoon, September 8th. When the doctor came at me with what looked like a ginormous crochet hook, Mike's eyes went big as saucers. The doctor had hoped to move along the process, as I was stuck dilated at a 2 the entire time. That night was exhausting. I labored and labored and labored, and between all that the nurse would give me stadol for the pain. At 6:30 am on the 9th the nurse came in and said the doctor would give me another hour and then we'd discuss c-section. Still only dilated to a 2, I nodded and she left. Mike looked at me like, "What the hell?" and said, "What is an hour going to do that the last 36 hasn't?" I told him to go get the nurse and bring her back. When she came in, I told her, "Where do I sign? Get this baby out of me." She brought the papers in, turned off the IV and...my labor stopped. Completely stopped. It was all chemical labor, Cameron had no desire to come out on his own.

Because 2 people loved each other...

I slept during the c-section. I was whooped. I heard Cameron cry and remember opening my eyes, but I couldn't find him. Finally the nurse brought him over to me and all I could see was his dad's nose. I said, "You've got your Dad's nose." The nurse took him to do what she needed to and I told Mike, "Go with the baby." He waffled for a minute, unsure on what he should do. I went back to sleep and was awake again when they moved me from the operating table to a bed, wheeling me into recovery. I tried, Dear God did I try, to sleep in recovery, but that damn nurse kept poking me and telling me I had to wake up. Did she not know that I had been in labor for 37 1/2 hours before my son was born at 8:04 am?

When I was taken to my room I expected to see my son. Wrong. Mike came in to tell me my Grandma and egg donor had seen Cameron while they were in the nursery. The doctor came out and told the 3 of them that I am very narrow and will most likely never deliver children the old fashioned way. Grandma, not missing a beat, said, "You mean there's something small on Tiffany?" Mike was livid. I waited for 4 1/2 hours before my son was brought to me around 1 pm. Shortly after my Dad and brother, Scott, showed up and my Dad was the first family member, beside Mike and myself, to hold Cameron, his first grandson.

I breastfed Cameron only twice before I developed an excruciating migraine. I've suffered with migraines since I was 9, but never had I ever felt something like this. The nurses were wrapping my head in ice packs, shooting me up with demerol, and Cameron never took from me again. I suffered with, what I now know was, a spinal migraine for 10 days after the birth of Cameron. The demerol kept me pretty out of it and once, while I was holding my newborn, I dozed off for just a second, but Cameron rolled right out of my arms into my lap. After that Mike refused to leave Cameron with me while I was alone. Grandma and he took shifts. If Mike had to work, Grandma was there. The evening of the 10th Mike had taken off to Costco so Grandma was there. I was out of it when the nursery nurse came in and said, "Gah! She's sleeping again? When do you think she'll want her baby?" Grandma, who hardly ever was confrontational, said, "What exactly do you get paid for?" The nurse left in a huff. When I awoke, Grandma told me the story and I called to have Cameron brought to me.

Daddy and Cameron

When I met my husband he did not want children. I would like to say becoming a mother was the most beautiful experience of my life, but quite honestly, it wasn't. Because of the spinal migraine, I got to sit on the sidelines and watch my husband become a Daddy. Not just any Daddy. Oh no! My husband was the most amazing father I could have ever asked for for my children. From the beginning he was hands on. My husband was a far superior Daddy to my lack of Mama skills. I'm certain my friends, a few family, and my Beloved would dispute this, but I call it as I see it.

Mama and Cameron

On the 11th of September, just 2 days after having my firstborn via c-section, I demanded to be released from the hospital. The care was inadequate. I knew I would be cared for at home, and as long as I did as was instructed, I would be fine. We were home a little after 6 pm, 4 days after it all began. Just 10 days later, as Cameron lay on the couch, I laid my face next to his watching him sleep, in awe, I whispered, "I can't wait to do this again." I knew then, like I know now, that I was put on this earth to be a mother. My greatest blessings call me Mama.

-------------------------------------
Side note:
Cameron, very much into Winnie the Pooh (also his nursery), adored Roo. Roo calls Kanga "Mama" and that is why Cameron began calling me Mama. Dylan followed suit, and Peyton after.

Best $600 Spent

I started a load of wash on Tuesday only to hear a terrible noise come from my washing machine. I was keeping an eye on it when to my surprise, black gunk began leaking from underneath. The transmission went out. I spoke to 2 appliance repairmen who both were shocked that I got 12 years and 9 months out of my washing machine. One even called it a "throw away" that usually dies within 3 years of purchase. I figure I'm blessed to have gotten my $600 worth out of the pair that Hubby and I purchased when we moved into our first apartment. What I didn't count on was the unexpected expense of a new washer and dryer. Let's face it, the dryer has had some problems the last couple of years, and I'm a firm believer you don't buy one without the other, because that's just taunting the universe.

I jumped online to research and found a great deal at Lowe's. The washer was marked down $150, while the dryer was marked down $105 and the reviews were awesome. Great, right? Wrong. Neither were available for (free) delivery until the 25th. I can not be without a washer and dryer that long, especially with school starting back up on Monday. I decided to check out Home Depot and guess what, they have them, only not on sale. I took a chance and called to ask if they price compare. Guess what? They do. Plus they offer free delivery, free haul away and were available 23 days before Lowe's. Done. I ran up to the store, practically vomited as I made the biggest purchase since my Beloved died, and then quickly thanked God for providing the means to do just that.

After the delivery guys left, I laid each of my hands on the washer and dryer and prayed, "Lord, let these get me through another 12 years. I'll take 10 minimum." Cameron laughed, clearly thinking I was insane.

Still Taking Care of His Family

Summer school, at AAE, began yesterday. We weren't notified that he earned a spot, by someone either not showing up or dropping AAE for Options for Youth, until 3pm. The counselor called and asked that I have Cameron at school by 7:45 to fill out paperwork. As I woke up this morning, at 5:30 am, after having a restless night due to Peyton having a nightmare and sleeping with me, I was one hot Mama. My first thought was what a pain in the arse Cameron is. Summer school (AGAIN) this year. GRRRR! He has just got to step his game up, he starts high school in August and his blasé attitude regarding school just isn't going to cut it. Sure I can harp on him 24/7, but the truth is he needs to do a little growing up. I failed all but 1 class my freshman year of high school and worked my ass off the following 3 years to earn back all of the credits I lost to graduate with my class. HARD. DAMN. WORK. Do I want that for him? No. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

We walked in the office and it was a ghost town. I went to knock on the counselor's door, but saw he was on the phone and began to step away when he saw me. He told me he'd be right with me as soon as he was done with his phone call. When he called me in Dylan said he knew the counselor because a he is a friend's (in his class) Dad. I took a seat in his office and the counselor went over the schedule and told me that he was going to sit Cameron down to have a serious talk with him about his grades (pretty much backing up my previous statements in the paragraph above). I told him that would be much appreciated, that education is very important in our family, but as I am now a single mother because his Dad died 2 years ago, there was only so much I could do. The counselor, upon hearing about my Beloved, said, "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that." I told him my husband was the Special Ed teacher from the high school and the counselor's face dropped, it DROPPED. It was then that I figured out this man knew my husband. He said, "Mike was your husband?" and began to get choked up, sitting down, putting his head in his hands. Needless to say I already had tears in my eyes at his recognition, but to see a man get choked up, I was in tears. I replied, "Yes." The counselor explained that he had worked with Mike for 2 years and they had gone to school together.

As he is talking to me, it dawns on me that Mike had talked about him and I remembered Mike being upset when he was laid off. Because the counselor had been laid off, he was working up north when the principal from the high school had contacted him about Mike. He said he wanted to make it to the memorial, but just couldn't make it happen. After shedding some tears, going over some of the events, especially the kid's and I rolling up on the scene and Cameron seeing the life saving tactics used on his Dad, images no 11 year old should ever have to witness, the counselor tells me that he's going to keep a close eye on Cameron. He said, "I would have anyway, but now this is personal." Personal. Wow. New tears fell down my cheeks. I thanked him profusely, grabbed the littles, and walked out of the office thinking, 2 years and 5 months later God (with help from Mike, I'm sure) is making sure his family is taken care of.

I seriously needed some fresh air, so I took the littles to the park. I sat there, still raw with emotion, crying. I thought about a man I saw on The View a few weeks ago, Lt. Mark Weber, who wrote a book, Tell My Sons. Although I have not read his book, as I'm not sure emotionally I could, he said something that day that struck a chord with me.

What do you do when life doesn't go the way that you want it too? .... Life's not gonna go the way that you want it to. Realize that sadness is part of the equation. You can't get rid of that. And you don't call what's sad, happy. You look for the happiness that's right next to it. ~ Lt. Mark Weber 

A few weeks after Mike died I was talking to a stranger at church, who is now a friend on Facebook, and told her my life is 2 parallel feelings that never, and will never, intersect. One way, let's say traveling from the left, is a sadness like no other. It's heartbreaking (see picture to help drive this point home, I use it as my profile pic on Facebook, although EVERYONE hates it, when I can't express my feelings), gut wrenching, unbearable, and often sends me to my knees crying out for help from above. The other way, traveling from the right, is a love like no other, the kind that can only come from my Abba Father in heaven, raining down blessings that I can't even begin to process (that still happen to this very day) making me ABUNDANTLY blessed beyond measure.

Sadly, just eight days after Lt. Mark Weber's episode of The View aired, he lost his fight with intestinal cancer. 

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .... WOW what a ride. ~ Mark Frost

Yahrzeit

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of Mike's sudden death. If you had asked me this time last year where I would be today, I would have responded, with him. I never saw light at the end of the tunnel. I always looked at my glass as half empty. Yet, here I am, walking, talking, and breathing. Taking each day hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute and second by second. I wake up each morning and put one foot infront of the other, moving forward.

I have often said that my TLBS girls have kept me alive this last year. There is more truth in that statement than anyone realizes. With all the friends that have left after my Beloved's death, they sure have filled that void. My cup runneth over.

They threw a Loving Out Loud gathering for me today. We all met at Leanne's house, where she made delicious eggs benedict. We talked, laughed, and cried together. Most of the crying came after we watched the beautiful memorial slideshow that Marlena made. I haven't watched it but a handful of times, but the last 2 pictures ALWAYS get me. I asked Marlena to end it that way, but the finality of seeing them come up (our 10 year anniversary and The Johnson 5 on Christmas Eve before church) tear me up.

My Jesus Sista's, as I affectionately call them, gave me a memorial candle, known as Yahrzeit. I lit it at 4:57 tonight, sundown, and it will remain lit until sundown tomorrow. I read Psalm 121, which is near and dear to my heart, right after I lit the candle, and talked to my husband for a few minutes.

Words will never express the immense loss I feel for my Beloved, my best friend, but knowing I have God, champion of widows, my children, and my Jesus Sista's makes life worth living for.

Father's Day

I have dreaded this day for so long, that I think I made more out of the dread, and once the day was upon us, nothing. Perhaps it would have been different had Dylan and Peyton known what today was. Or, maybe the fact that we left town to avoid it was the key. Whatever the reason, I wasn't as down today as I expected to be.


Dylan said, "This is the most beautiful view I've ever seen" so I took a pic.

We left mid-morning for our 3 hour drive to Las Vegas, where we met up with my cousin's, Brian & Alicia. We were suppose to go to the circus with them, but couldn't get tickets, so off they went and I took the kids on a drive to find a Whole Foods (that blog post is coming shortly). Anyone who knows me knows I am directionally challeneged, and I have earned the nickname Goes in Circles.

As I followed my little blue dot on my iPhone, there it was, The Cheesecake Factory. A reminder of what we have lost. Hubby's favorite dessert was cheesecake and the minute I saw the sign I said, "What if we eat at The Cheesecake Factory?" The kids screamed from the back, "YEA!" It was settled.


While we were eating, Cameron said, "Do you think these people are wondering why we're eating with you and not Dad today?" Tears welled up in my eyes and I had no answer. If we were in Apple Valley, we are in a fishbowl, and everyone knows us there, but in Las Vegas nobody cared.


I texted my Dad during lunch to wish him a Happy Father's Day. I warned him months ago that emotionally that was all I would be able to muster, and he agreed. His reply to me was, "Thanks. Happy Father's Day to you too, on behalf of Mike and the job you now do. Luv ya." Only my Dad would put a positive spin on the day, and it completely set the tone for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

After lunch I got lost trying to find Whole Foods, which, as you might have guessed, was in the same parking lot as The Cheesecake Factory. Ha Ha Ha! I found what I was looking for, and back to Brian and Alicia's we went. The kids and I hung out there until my friend Maureen made it to Las Vegas.

Maureen, a dear friend who God brought into my life after Mike's death, is also a widow. She wrote me on facebook a few weeks ago and offered to share her timeshare with the kids and I to get away for Father's Day. I instantly took her up on the offer. We stayed at The Grandview, next door to Southpoint.

We unloaded our things, got up to the room, well, technically it was a one bedroom apartment and unpacked the necessities, i.e. fridge food. Peyton was playing with Maureen's daughter, Kristin, when Peyton tripped over the rug and hit her eye on the coffee table. By the time Peyton walked from Maureen's apartment (just a few steps) to ours she had a massive bump and bruise starting. I picked Peyton up and put her on the counter, hugging her, comfortting her, as Maureen grabbed a baggie of ice. I placed the ice over her eye and we prayed over her.


Courtesy of gift cards given to use after Mike passed, we ate at El Polla Loco for dinner, and back to Grandview we went. The boys slept on the pullout couch, while Peyton and I enjoyed the king size bed.

There You'll Be

Cameron graduated 6th grade this morning. He asked to wear one of his Dad's ties, so I pulled out the tote of Mike's clothes and grabbed his purple one out, still knotted. I am so proud of Cameron and the young man he is becoming. He has grown leaps and bounds over the last 21 weeks.

The emotional basket case I was on Monday didn't hit...until the end. One of the student's is moving to Florida in a few days and she sang a song to end the ceremony. The minute the song began I lost it, and I knew...I knew my poor boy was sitting up in the front doing the same. You see, of ALL the songs this girl could have chosen to sing, well, Mike used her to give Cameron and I a message today because she sang There You'll Be by Faith Hill. It's a song that I picked for Mike's slideshow, and a song I listen to often for comfort.

After the final announcements I watched my boy walk up to me, eyes red, still visibly shaking, and for those who didn't know about Cameron and his Dad, looked on at Cameron and I holding each other tightly while we bawled our eyes out. His little heart hurt so badly from the absence of his father.




We said our goodbye's to Grandpa, my dad was available to be there with me today, which meant the world and all to me, and off to Red Robin we went for Cameron's celebratory lunch. Angelique and the kiddos met us there and we had a great time. We weren't the only AAE'ers there. Cameron's final count was 15 other 6th grade graduates. Red Robin was HOPPING!

Swimming Into First Grade

My Handsome is growing up! I was warned by Dylan's teacher that watching Dylan graduate was going to be emotional (her daughter was in Kindergarten when her husband died and her youngest was Peyton's age). That warning did not help. I sat in the courtyard of Dylan's school, video camera on the tripod and camera in hand, bawling my eyes out. The loneliness I felt was almost unbearable. Dylan and his classmates performed 4 songs for us and then each student received their certificate. It was a beautiful sight!

Once the ceremony was over we were invited to stay for refreshments and snacks. Dylan and I were sitting down on a bench and I could see it coming. He put up a great fight, fighting back those tears, and then asked me, "Do you think Dad saw me graduate?" I burst into tears and said of course! I told him how proud his Dad was of him, how proud I was of him, and how much we loved him.

I'm emotionally exhausted and guess what? I get to do it all over again on Wednesday when Cameron graduates 6th grade. UGH!

The Worse One Yet

My marriage has ended? I said vows, I remember saying them, and I took them to heart. For better or for worse. I did that. Until death do us part. Whoa! Wait! What?!?!?!? My marriage has ended? Hearing this objectively was the hardest thing I've heard in the last 14 weeks. I'm. Not. Married.

This realization led to the absolute worse day since January 10, 2011. I have been an emotional, vomiting mess. Oh, sure, Easter has much to do with it too. I guess I'm having a two-fer day.

Peyton's Prayers

I adore our family prayers every night. I am in awe of how the children are growing in this task. Tonight, Peyton asked if she could pray, and if it weren't for me praying, I swear I would LOVE to video tape her one night. ;)Peyton's prayers go a little something like this:

Father Goddard (I don't know why she turns it into Goddard, instead of God, but it's stinkin' cute. The problem is, it reminds me of Jimmy Neutron's dog, Goddard),
I miss everyone.
I miss my Daddy.
Daddy went with Jesus.
I love love love love love him SO much.
Father Goddard,
I love Mommy.
And I love Dylan.
And I love Cameron.
And I love Daddy.
Bless everyone.
I love you.
Amen.

Pure joy right there! <3

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

Crushed

I logged on facebook tonight after our family prayers. You all (well not EVERYONE on facebook, but a great deal of you) have told me that my posts, my emotions, my feelings...that I put myself out there and it makes it easier for you to pray for me. I have asked for a few prayer requests, but tonight...my beautiful prayer warriors, tonight is different.

My spirit is crushed. I have been crushed for a couple of weeks now, and I have been throwing myself a great, big, 'ol pity party for 1. I am heartbroken (which is nothing new the last 11 weeks), but I feel it more strongly right now. I feel it to the depth of my soul. I feel it physically, not just emotionally. I. AM. BROKEN. I don't know if it's another holiday rolling around, or that Monday it will be 12 weeks since my Beloved left us and went to heaven.

Please pray for a few things for me. 1.) My husband's cause of death would be expedited. We are entering the 12th week on Sunday. The day after Mike's autopsy they told me 12-16 weeks. Please pray it would be 12, not 16. 2.) Pray that I would have the strength to move on. I'm going on, but I'm not moving very fast. I was born on Groundhog's Day, and I absolutely HATE the movie, yet I am living it EVERY damn day of my life right now. 3.) Pray that I would have the courage to do what I need. I'm a fearful person by nature, seriously afraid of my own shadow. I am afraid of my future. I am fearful of when the other shoe will drop. I don't want to live my life like that, not now or for the rest of my life.

When I logged in I scrolled down a bit to find that Laura, God's appointed messenger to me, had posted this verse...

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them: he delivers them from all their troubles. the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18 She coulddn't have known why I logged in, and still, I felt like it was directed at me.

Thanks to all who read this and pray for me.

Where is Heaven?

Me: Sweet dreams Peyton.
Peyton: Where is Daddy's heaven?
Me: Way up, up, up in the sky.
Peyton: How did Daddy get there?
Me (with my hand on her chest): When Daddy died, his body stayed here. His spirit (my hand leaves her chest and motions) floated out of his body, in to the sky to be with Jesus.
Peyton: That hurt Daddy!
Me: No, baby. That part didn't hurt Daddy. (now I'm in tears)
Peyton: I miss him so much.
Me: Me too.
Peyton: I love my Daddy.
Me (bawling): Me too.
Peyton: You sad?
Me: Yes. You know Daddy misses us too? He loves us so much.
Peyton (laying down): I love my Daddy so much.
Me: I love you Peyton.
Peyton: I love you Mama.

Singing

Cameron: Mama, your singing!
Me: What?
Cameron: You haven't sang since Dad died.
(Technically not true...I held Cameron on my lap, rocking him back and forth, singing God of Wonders while Pastor Jeff played it during Mike's memorial)
Dylan & Peyton from back of van: Yea.
Dylan: You haven't sang in a long time Mama.
Wow! I hadn't noticed, but my kids did. :(

What was I singing? glee's version of Don't Stop Believin'. Appropriate, no?!?!

I...

feel like I'm dying inside...the pain won't go away. Will my heart ever mend? Will I ever be whole again? I put up a real good front, but the nights are the worse. I miss him so bad it takes my breath away. I can't breathe. Lord help me.

Between Asleep & Awake...

Dylan and Peyton crashed out on the couch at 7:30 tonight. As I picked Peyton up to move her to her bed she began screaming, "I want my Daddy to do it. I want my Daddy." She was between asleep and awake. When I got Peyton to her room she was awake enough to say, "My Daddy's in heaven?" I said, "Yes. I love you. Sweet Dreams." I totally understand her feeling because for a BRIEF moment when I wake up each morning I feel like my life is normal.

One Month

A dear friend told me a little story about Jewish mourning. According to one Rabbi, he said the spouse was supposed to mourn for 30 days and the kids for one year. But also they say that you are supposed to sit shiva (starts the day of the funeral, which is usually held the day after the death) for 7 days, covering all the mirrors in your house.

For further investigation of shiva I went to wikipedia. I was intrigued, and always enjoy reading various religious cultures. What most impressed me was the avoidance of talking about other dead family members. That hit home to me because of the death of my Grandmother just 2 months prior.

My husband died 31 days ago. I'm not done mourning him. I don't believe in a time frame. My children will mourn the death of their father longer than I will mourn the death of my husband. I'm sure of that. I'm older, I've experienced loss, granted, not a loss of this magnitude, but I totally understand that I will wrap my head around my husband's death way before they will.

Packers Win & The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Last year my Beloved bought a 60" television. SIX-ZERO. He proudly exclaimed, "I'm watching my team on this win at next year's Super Bow!" Fast forward. Hubby's gone. The Green Bay Packers make it to the freakin' Super Bowl. ARE. YOU. FREAKIN'. KIDDING. ME? For the last few weeks I've looked at this monstrosity taking over my living room as an eye sore. Is is possible to hate an inanimate object? Yes. I hate what is stands for. I hate that my husband isn't here to cheer on his Packers.

Today our dear friends, Chris and Amy, along with their 3 boys, came over for an impromptu Super Bowl party. Not just a Super Bowl party, but also, the return of glee after the game. Oh yea baby! Amy  is a fellow gleek. We probably drive her husband nuts with our talks. I digress. Chris was up at the butt crack of dawn smoking pork for pulled pork sandwiches. Jealous yet? Amy shredded the pork, we munched on veggies, chips and homemade dip made from greek yogurt, all the while Chris cleaned up my front yard. A huge blessing, on top of the one the one they were already doing for me by being with me today.

Christina Aguilera completely massacred our National Anthem. Instantly, both Amy and I said they should have had Lea Michele sing it instead. Chris rolled his eyes and went back outside. We ate the most amazing pulled pork sandwiches, topped with homemade coleslaw, for dinner. I know, you're jealous. Green Bay came out with a vengeance the first half. The half time show hasn't been the same since the Janet boob debacle, get over it people. Not to say that The Black Eyed Peas with Usher and Slash wasn't good, they were (with the exception of Fergie singing Sweet Child of Mine...Fergie was worse than Christina), but the half time show just isn't what it use to be. I'll admit, my butt puckered the second half of the game. When the Packers took the win, all I could think about was how Mike missed it. He bought this damn TV for today and he's not even here to enjoy the hell out of it. Cameron chimed in and said, "Mama, you know Dad had the best seat ever, right?" I love that kid.

As you know the interviews, and the likes, take flippin' forever. While we waited for glee to start, Amy and I played a little glee karaoke revolution. Too much fun. I burst out in song (and dance) at the drop of a dime, but that doesn't mean I'm good at it. Singing that is, I can bust a move. Seriously, I can usually sing a line from a song based on something someone says. Cameron hates it because it usually involves some sort of dance move with it. Ha! I also speak fluent movie quotes. Again, I digress.

Making sure the kid's are entertained before the episode starts, Amy and I sit down, engrossed in our favorite guilty pleasure. Let's just say, we were less than enthused by the California Gurls beginning, but beaming as Rachel and Puck sang Need You Now (only made that much more sweeter by Coach Beiste singing along to it). Artie took a lot of slushies, and I mean A LOT! Mercedes, "Hell to the no" is always a classic. I was not happy bringing the football team into glee club, especially after Karofsky ran Kurt off.

Sue's freak out was HIL-AR-I-OUS. Her storyline was a little blah. I felt like it fizzled, but was glad to see her finally get a little payback. Zombie camp ROCKED and let me just say, Thriller mashed up with Head's Will Roll brought the kid's in to the living room, dancing and loving it as much as Amy and I. Thank goodness I don't have to wait for a CD, mash-ups are always singles only. Woot!

The highlight for me, of course, was the Warbler's and Bills, Bills, Bills. I do so love Darren Criss those damned blazers. It is painfully obvious that Chris Colfer's character, Kurt, is completely out of place. When I think of Kurt, I don't see top 40's hits, because he's show tunes. He's romantic, a gentleman (the world needs more of them), and awkward because he's kind of sheltered in a way. Kurt sticks out like a sore thumb from the smoothness of the Dalton boys, and as much as I want a Blaine and Kurt union, the reality is, Kurt belongs at McKinley.

As I sit here tonight, I am once again reminded that despite the immense heartache I feel, I am abundantly blessed by some extraordinary friends. A huge thank you to Chris and Amy for making today a little less painful and to glee for being there to cheer me up when nobody else is.

Hacked

Imagine my horror, and picture my need to vomit, when the chime dings on my computer because an e-mail hits my inbox from my Hubby. :-/ Apparently somebody has hacked his account. :(

Normal?

Diane made a comment last night that she should have stayed until Thursday (after my birthday). And then...her flight got cancelled this morning due to a snow storm in New York. hehehe She put that out in to the universe last night, and Mike said, "Hmmmm...let me see what I can do about that?" LOL

The yearbook teacher, Jessica Payne, at AVHS contacted me for pictures. They are dedicating a page to him in the yearbook. :(


I fell asleep at the kitchen table after eating lunch. I guess I was tired. :-/


I enjoyed watching Cameron play various sound clips from Star Wars on his MacBook and Sara cracking up. :)

Now I am enjoying Pomegranate Margaritas, Cookie Brownies, and a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon with Diane & Sara...pretty awesome start to my 36th birthday.

Is this a normal day? It wouldn't have been a month ago...but I guess it's my normal now.