Three Years and 70 Days

Today my Beloved has been gone for 3 years. It seems impossible. It doesn't feel that long. He was just here. We were just singing Lead Me by Sanctus Real while he changed the blown out lights in the kitchen and I picked up the living room. He just woke me up, told me it was 5:20 and that would be the last time I ever heard his voice, or saw his face thru non-glasses, blurred vision. Time moves differently after the immense loss of someone you held so dearly.

Today my Peyton has been without her Daddy for as long as she had him. Three years and 70 days was all my beautiful daughter got with the most amazing father I could have ever asked for.

Today my heart breaks.

Second Day of School

We had time this morning for a little photo shoot. Technically the second day of school, but who cares? The pics were taken.

First Day of School

I was unable to take my annual First Day of School pics this morning. The children did not grasp the concept that school starts earlier this year. No matter, there is always tomorrow. A couple of years ago we began a new tradition of eating dinner out to celebrate the first day of school. The kiddos come home with a ton of handouts to fill out and sign, so this is a much simpler solution, especially since it's just me now. This will have to do until tomorrow.

My Little Minions!

BEE-DO! BEE-DO! BEE-DO! My little minions...Mwahahaha!

Cameron Goes to Camp 2013

For the fifth year we have driven to Fontana and dropped Cameron off at the Camp's bus stop. For the fifth year we have been abundantly blessed to have fundraised the money we need to send Cameron to camp for 2 weeks. In my opinion the opportunity afforded to Cameron to attend diabetic camp is priceless. He is learning the skills he needs to keep himself alive. He's only got 5 years before he goes out into the world relying on himself. I won't always be there. (I admit it scares the hell out of me to think of him handling this wretched disease alone!) This year Cameron leaves the youth session behind and begins his time at teen camp with the older kids. See you in 2 weeks son!

As has become our ritual, we watch the buses leave and then the littles and I head to The Cheesecake Factory (Best. Guacamole. Ever.) to begin our vacation minus Cameron. I think they were stuffed and approved.

Happy Independence Day

Monsters University

The littles are ready for MU! Come on Auntie Sara, get here soon. 

Still Taking Care of His Family

Summer school, at AAE, began yesterday. We weren't notified that he earned a spot, by someone either not showing up or dropping AAE for Options for Youth, until 3pm. The counselor called and asked that I have Cameron at school by 7:45 to fill out paperwork. As I woke up this morning, at 5:30 am, after having a restless night due to Peyton having a nightmare and sleeping with me, I was one hot Mama. My first thought was what a pain in the arse Cameron is. Summer school (AGAIN) this year. GRRRR! He has just got to step his game up, he starts high school in August and his blasé attitude regarding school just isn't going to cut it. Sure I can harp on him 24/7, but the truth is he needs to do a little growing up. I failed all but 1 class my freshman year of high school and worked my ass off the following 3 years to earn back all of the credits I lost to graduate with my class. HARD. DAMN. WORK. Do I want that for him? No. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

We walked in the office and it was a ghost town. I went to knock on the counselor's door, but saw he was on the phone and began to step away when he saw me. He told me he'd be right with me as soon as he was done with his phone call. When he called me in Dylan said he knew the counselor because a he is a friend's (in his class) Dad. I took a seat in his office and the counselor went over the schedule and told me that he was going to sit Cameron down to have a serious talk with him about his grades (pretty much backing up my previous statements in the paragraph above). I told him that would be much appreciated, that education is very important in our family, but as I am now a single mother because his Dad died 2 years ago, there was only so much I could do. The counselor, upon hearing about my Beloved, said, "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that." I told him my husband was the Special Ed teacher from the high school and the counselor's face dropped, it DROPPED. It was then that I figured out this man knew my husband. He said, "Mike was your husband?" and began to get choked up, sitting down, putting his head in his hands. Needless to say I already had tears in my eyes at his recognition, but to see a man get choked up, I was in tears. I replied, "Yes." The counselor explained that he had worked with Mike for 2 years and they had gone to school together.

As he is talking to me, it dawns on me that Mike had talked about him and I remembered Mike being upset when he was laid off. Because the counselor had been laid off, he was working up north when the principal from the high school had contacted him about Mike. He said he wanted to make it to the memorial, but just couldn't make it happen. After shedding some tears, going over some of the events, especially the kid's and I rolling up on the scene and Cameron seeing the life saving tactics used on his Dad, images no 11 year old should ever have to witness, the counselor tells me that he's going to keep a close eye on Cameron. He said, "I would have anyway, but now this is personal." Personal. Wow. New tears fell down my cheeks. I thanked him profusely, grabbed the littles, and walked out of the office thinking, 2 years and 5 months later God (with help from Mike, I'm sure) is making sure his family is taken care of.

I seriously needed some fresh air, so I took the littles to the park. I sat there, still raw with emotion, crying. I thought about a man I saw on The View a few weeks ago, Lt. Mark Weber, who wrote a book, Tell My Sons. Although I have not read his book, as I'm not sure emotionally I could, he said something that day that struck a chord with me.

What do you do when life doesn't go the way that you want it too? .... Life's not gonna go the way that you want it to. Realize that sadness is part of the equation. You can't get rid of that. And you don't call what's sad, happy. You look for the happiness that's right next to it. ~ Lt. Mark Weber 

A few weeks after Mike died I was talking to a stranger at church, who is now a friend on Facebook, and told her my life is 2 parallel feelings that never, and will never, intersect. One way, let's say traveling from the left, is a sadness like no other. It's heartbreaking (see picture to help drive this point home, I use it as my profile pic on Facebook, although EVERYONE hates it, when I can't express my feelings), gut wrenching, unbearable, and often sends me to my knees crying out for help from above. The other way, traveling from the right, is a love like no other, the kind that can only come from my Abba Father in heaven, raining down blessings that I can't even begin to process (that still happen to this very day) making me ABUNDANTLY blessed beyond measure.

Sadly, just eight days after Lt. Mark Weber's episode of The View aired, he lost his fight with intestinal cancer. 

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .... WOW what a ride. ~ Mark Frost

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I can't believe it. Pretty has graduated Kindergarten. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was dropping her off to her first day of school. Two years hasn't done much for my emotional state, I woke up feeling the familiar tug on what's left of the pieces of my heart. I told myself I was going to be stronger today, and thanked the good Lord for Cameron not having an 8th grade promotion/graduation ceremony to attend this week.

I gathered my tripod, video camera, nook, and set off to drop the kiddos off to school. I had no intention of being so far back in the crowd, as I was with Dylan's graduation, and so I was going to cop a squat in the courtyard until the chairs were set out and grab a front row seat. As luck would have it, as Peyton and I exited the van, Ms. Cambridge hollered out, "Ms. Johnson, can I see you as soon as you cross the parking lot?" My first instinct was, "OH CRAP! What did I do?" Habits are hard to break sometimes. ;) As I walked up to Ms. Cambridge she said, "It looks like you're planning to stick around for a bit." I said I was and offered my help. YEA! Something to keep my mind off of today.

I walked into the courtyard and saw some of my favorite Kindergarten buddies. I gave high-fives and was telling each of them how awesome I thought their self-portrait was. As I come around the corner Mr. Coppers says, "You have entirely too much spunk this morning. How much coffee have you had?" I told him I don't drink coffee and he responds, "You lie!" I laughed and replied, "Honest. If I don't stay up, I'm going to crash hard." He chats me up while I waited to start my morning job.

When it came time to grab seats, I had the perfect front row spot and couldn't be happier. Mom's that I have been blessed to get to know this year kept my spirits up and I didn't cry. I felt more detached than I would have liked, but self preservation kicks in unexpectedly.

This year's theme, Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss, was a HUGE success.

The graduate asked for a lunch date at Carl's Jr. and so that's what she got. Then we went home and I took some pics of her with her certificate. I am so very proud of you Peyton. I know Daddy is beaming with pride as well. I am blessed to be able to join you for the ride along.

Peyton Goes to Kindergarten

I had no idea how hard today was going to hit me. I woke up this morning crying harder than I've cried in a very long time. Back to School day tends to hit me pretty hard. Is it because Mike was a teacher and we've started a new school year without him again? Or is it that today our baby girl started school without her Daddy? Another milestone without him.

This year I have a kid at all 3 campuses. I'll be playing around with drop off and pick up times for the next few weeks. We set out and dropped Cameron off first at Mojave River Campus (MRC). Off to Corwin Campus (CC) we go, and I walked Dylan in, taking a pic of him before Peyton and I made our way over to Thunderbird Campus (TBC). I grabbed a few shots of Peyton before we headed into the class.

How blessed am I to have Ms. Cambridge in my life? She was Dylan's Kindergarten teacher, and fellow widow. Try as I might, the tears never stopped, and my eyes flooded more as she read The Kissing Hand to the class. I left my daughter at school and came straight home.

Home, hasn't really felt like a home since Mike died. It's more like a house, shelter, if you will. A home is a place where you feel happy, love, and I'm not saying there aren't times I still feel that, but mostly, I look at it as my sanctuary. A place to run and hide and block out the pain. Today, it feels different. I don't have a husband who will come home and care whether I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed the carpet, or prepped an amazing dinner. The kids don't care if I'm making a feast or chicken nuggets with macaroni and cheese. Today, for the first time since Mike died, I feel completely, and utterly alone.

I know what some of you would say, "Pick yourself up." I don't want to. Today, I want to feel the pain. I want to embrace it. I want to eat my emotions (I'm well on my way) and look around my house, remembering when it was a home.

Amending a Record

When Peyton's social security card came in the mail, several weeks after she was born, her name was misspelled. I was devastated. What made this worse was when I called, they said it must have been a clerk error, and she would forever have a 2 page birth certificate to correct the spelling. I ordered the paperwork to amend her birth certificate in Fall 2010, knowing I needed her name fixed before she started preschool. I never filled them out because Grandma died, and then Mike, Peyton never attended preschool...and well, I forgot. Until it dawned on me, she's starting Kindergarten in August!

Vital Records tell me it takes up to 4 months for the record to be amended. We're right at the cutoff of Kindergarten starting. I filled out the paperwork, called the hospital for document verification that they were wrong, when I was told she would have to pull that file and make sure I didn't make the error. Okay. Well, if everything I have from the hospital shows her spelling as PEYTON, not PAYTON, and as I am not the clerk entering in her information, I am fairly certain the hospital made the mistake. Insult to injury, it will cost me $20 to fix this, and my daughter will have a 2 page birth certificate for the rest of her life. But go ahead, pull your file.

When she called back, she sure changed her tune and said, "I see here that you filled out all paperwork as PEYTON, is this correct?" Yep. She then informed me that because it is a hospital error, they fill out the paperwork and pay for the amended record. All I need to do is get a sworn statement notarized stating that I am her mother and run it by the hospital. Woot! Woot!

Spring Break

Isn't this what Spring Break is all about anyway?

Prayer Time

I enjoy our family prayer time at night. The kid's prayers have grown leaps and bounds in the last 14 months. Tonight Peyton volunteered to lead prayer. She started out wonderfully, even thanking God for her warm bed (I've been teaching them to thank God during prayer). As she was coming to the end, she said, "Bless our new Daddy. I hope he gets here soon." Sucker Punched. God Bless her heart of gold.

Knights in Training

Peyton is growing up. What makes this worse is the fact that she is doing it without her Daddy. Peyton starts Kindergarten in August. To help transistion the incoming kids, AAE has set up Knights in Training. The students come to their Kindergarten classroom for a little over an hour, every other month, and work in stations, getting familiar with the teachers and environment. This also allows the teachers to assess the child's academic ability. I am pleased that Peyton will have the same Kindergarten teacher, Ms. Cambridge, as Dylan. Ms. Cambridge is special to us, because like us, she lost her husband, suddenly, with her 2 daughters the same ages as Dylan and Peyton at the time.

I snapped a few pics of Peyton's writing her name assessment. She struggles with the letter e, but I think she's finally getting it.

Peyton Goes to the Dentist

All 3 kids were scheduled to see their dentist in February. Since we lost our insurance January 31 because Mike died, I had to cancel the appointments. It was to be Peyton's first visit. I called the boys' dentist, Dr. Bell, and explained what happened. I was told that he would not accept medical, which REALLY bummed me out. I called back last month just to make sure before searching out a new dentist.

Because the boys were already established patients, we had been with him since 2004, Dr. would keep us on under medical. He doesn't accept NEW patients with medical. Whew! When I asked about Peyton, the nurse said I would have to discuss that with him when the boys saw him. Yesterday I took the boys in. I was already coming off of a bad night, a REALLY bad one, so my emotions were ON the surface. I had to make sure all the boy's info was still correct. UGH! Of course it wasn't. Insurance changed, Mama's relationship status changed, I had to mark deceased next to Dad's info...I was a MESS. The woman asked me, "You aren't the one who lost her camera at Red Robin, are you?" I was taken aback and said I was. "I heard them talking about it on the radio. I told her the story. Finally she asked me, "Could you sign and date here to verify the changes?" I began bawling. There was Mike's signature and I hadn't seen it in almost 9 months.

While Dr. Bell examined Cameron we talked about faith, what God has planned, etc. He told me that because the boys are already part of the Bell family, Peyton is too, and he would love to see her. I was relieved. When I was setting up the next appointment for the boys, they told me they could see Peyton today. Done.

We got up this morning and did it all over again. This time I filled out new paperwork for Peyton, which didn't seem as bad as scratching out my old life yesterday. I also wasn't a blubbering basket case today.

I was a little perturbed about not having a camera to commemorate Peyton's first dentist visit, like I have with the boys. My iPhone had to do the job for me. GRRRRR!

Peyton played Star Wars while the hygienist cleaned her teeth. She did such a wonderful job. I had been concerned about some spots on her teeth, and fortunately, NO CAVITIES! They were iron stains from her kid's vitamin. (Dylan is the only one who has ever had a cavity, it was the beginning of one, so I am very blessed.)

As Dr. Bell went to his next patient, he said, "Don't forget what I told you yesterday Tiffany." The hygienist looked at me. Cameron looked at me. I told him I wouldn't. Before we left yesterday, Dr. Bell pulled me aside and told me, "If you need anything, please call my office and leave a message with one of my girls. You are part of our family and we're going to help take care of you."

Have I mentioned lately how abundantly blessed I am?

Glasses

Peyton has come a long way since her "Gwasses" days. I got the call yesterday that Peyton's new glasses were in, so we took the boys to school this morning and headed down to Rancho Cucamonga to pick them up. Dwight, the owner of Children's Eyewear Sight, is phenomenal with the kids. He showed Peyton how to properly put on and take off her new glasses. He went over the 3 places where she can't set her glasses down, and completely took his time going over everything with her.



Her glasses are Disney Princess glasses, Belle, and her glasses case is a Disney Princess purse. Perfect for Peyton, right?

I paid extra for the transitional lenses. The ophthalmologist had explained that Peyton, likely, wore her sunglasses the way she did because her eyes are sensitive. She wanted to see them turn into sunglasses, so Dwight grabbed his mirror and outside we went. As soon as Peyton stepped out of the office, she turned her face toward the sky and said, "Daddy, do you see how pretty I am with my new glasses?" Of course the tears streamed down my face and poor Dwight was dumbstruck. I explained about Mike and then he was trying to dry his eyes as well. Out of the mouths of babes, I tell ya.

Once we were done, we headed over to Victoria Gardens to walk around and test out her new glasses. I treated her to the lunch special at The Cheesecake Factory and then headed over to Ontario Mills to window shop and then back to Apple Valley to pick the boys up.


Peyton has done a wonderful job wearing them today and I'm so proud of her. The lenses are SO thick and they magnify her eyes, which totally sucks. I pray that these glasses correct her crazy right eye, and help her vision.

Peyton's Prayers

I adore our family prayers every night. I am in awe of how the children are growing in this task. Tonight, Peyton asked if she could pray, and if it weren't for me praying, I swear I would LOVE to video tape her one night. ;)Peyton's prayers go a little something like this:

Father Goddard (I don't know why she turns it into Goddard, instead of God, but it's stinkin' cute. The problem is, it reminds me of Jimmy Neutron's dog, Goddard),
I miss everyone.
I miss my Daddy.
Daddy went with Jesus.
I love love love love love him SO much.
Father Goddard,
I love Mommy.
And I love Dylan.
And I love Cameron.
And I love Daddy.
Bless everyone.
I love you.
Amen.

Pure joy right there! <3

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

Where is Heaven?

Me: Sweet dreams Peyton.
Peyton: Where is Daddy's heaven?
Me: Way up, up, up in the sky.
Peyton: How did Daddy get there?
Me (with my hand on her chest): When Daddy died, his body stayed here. His spirit (my hand leaves her chest and motions) floated out of his body, in to the sky to be with Jesus.
Peyton: That hurt Daddy!
Me: No, baby. That part didn't hurt Daddy. (now I'm in tears)
Peyton: I miss him so much.
Me: Me too.
Peyton: I love my Daddy.
Me (bawling): Me too.
Peyton: You sad?
Me: Yes. You know Daddy misses us too? He loves us so much.
Peyton (laying down): I love my Daddy so much.
Me: I love you Peyton.
Peyton: I love you Mama.

Singing

Cameron: Mama, your singing!
Me: What?
Cameron: You haven't sang since Dad died.
(Technically not true...I held Cameron on my lap, rocking him back and forth, singing God of Wonders while Pastor Jeff played it during Mike's memorial)
Dylan & Peyton from back of van: Yea.
Dylan: You haven't sang in a long time Mama.
Wow! I hadn't noticed, but my kids did. :(

What was I singing? glee's version of Don't Stop Believin'. Appropriate, no?!?!

Rain

I'm so looking forward to the rain (forecast is calling for LOTS of it)...I've needed it for 5 weeks. I pray it washes away some of my...misery? Pain? Heartache? I'm not sure what I want it to wash away, but a good cleansing is in order.

Peyton and I glimpsed God's Promise (a rainbow) shining down on us as Casting Crown's Praise You In This Storm played on Air1. I couldn't help but think, "Ya talking to me Lord?" ;)



While driving the kids to school this morning, my precious (11 year old) son bawled the entire way. The only words he spoke, "I miss Dad." How I wish I could take his pain away. :'(