Parenting a Teen Boy

I never missed having a father growing up because I had my Grandma. She was mother and father rolled into one. She taught me how to keep house, do my laundry, iron my clothes, shave, pitch a baseball, climb a tree, and drive. She would be the first to admit she didn't teach me how to cook, that was self taught. I taught myself how to ride a bike (I had broken blood vessels in my chest for a couple of months to prove it) and how to swim (Grandma was deathly afraid of water). When my monthly friend visited me for the first time at 11 years old she referred me to my egg donor (i.e. the woman who gave birth to me but didn't stick around to be my mother). My uncles were there to teach me how to shoot, and ride a motorcycle. My aunt taught me how to throw a punch a not hurt myself.

I suppose Cameron is lucky that his Mom is a tomboy. I taught him how to ride a bike and to shoot a basketball (because as much as Grandma loved baseball, my sport was always basketball). Much to my Beloved's dismay I taught Cameron to burp and how to play the fart game. I taught him how to tie a tie (courtesy of YouTube) when he asked to wear one of his Dad's for his 6th grade graduation. I will be the one to teach him how to drive. And although I joked about teaching him how to shave his legs, I will be the one teaching him how to shave (I am petrified of this).

I parent differently than I did when it was my Beloved and I. I am Mom and Dad rolled into one. Walking that line is like walking a tightrope. I write this backstory as a precursor for a conversation we had this morning as we walked out of the house for church.

Me: School starts tomorrow. A clean slate. You had better step up your game.
Cameron (in his very annoyed teenager tone): I knoooow.
Me: I mean it Kid. I am gonna be all up in your a ...
Cameron (appalled and laughing): MOM! You will not be up my anus.
Me (laughing): Let me finish! I was going to say aeries (school website to check grades and missing assignments and I'm still laughing).
Cameron (cracking up): I thought you were going to say something else.
Me (serious): If you aren't doing your job then yes I will be up your a ...
Cameron (wicked smile): ANUS!
Me (still serious): Nope. I was gonna say ass. But you get the point. I will be all up in it.
Cameron (trying to be serious): Mom, it is an exit, you can't be in there.
Me (dead pan): Bet me. You need to up your game otherwise I will introduce your ::clears throat:: anus to my size 7 and a half ...
Cameron (mouth gapping open): OH. MY. GOD. MOM!
Me (ROTFLMBO): I was going to say shoe.

We both laughed until we got to church. I thank you not leaving me a comment or message to chastise me for using the word ass. I'm a Christian. Not perfect. :)

I lost my faith...

Conversation with the teen yesterday...

Cameron: I lost my faith after Dad died.
Me: I know.
Cameron: I just couldn't believe all the death we had.
Me: I agree.
Cameron: But you never gave up and the blessings kept coming in. I couldn't deny it.
Me: Because God loves us. He wants nothing but the best for us. He knew when Dad was going to be called home. We didn't, but He did. God didn't forsake us with the death of Dad, which is how you saw things. Instead He chose to bless us. Psalm 68:5 says, "God in His holy dwelling is a father of the fatherless and a champion of widows." You aren't fatherless kid, you have a Heavenly Father who wants nothing but the absolute best for you. I have a Heavenly Husband who is my Champion. The Bible says a lot about taking care of fatherless children and widows. That is why we are abundantly blessed. That is why I hardly ever worry anymore. Because I know that God has us in his hands.
Cameron: And Dad wouldn't let anything happen to us either.
Me: You are absolutely right! I'm certain Dad has a lot to do with it as well. My prayer for you, Dylan and Peyton. I never want you to know what it feels like to be alone, because with God in your corner, you never will be.

The healing that has taken place in Cameron this year is an answered prayer. I pray he continues to grow and cultivate his relationship with the Lord. I realize we're the "single parent family" statistic, but I pray we bypass that because his Dad didn't leave us, he died. He remembers his Dad going to church, being the provider of his family, the chivalrous man he was, and that those memories of his Dad are instilled in his own foundation.

Living By Faith

I often begin a story like this with, "I can't make this up!" Why would tonight be any different? As I shared recently the kids and I are doing a Christmas/Advent Devotional based on Ann Voskamp's book The Greatest Gift. We sat down tonight to read and then say our prayers before I put the littles to bed. Here's how it went.

Me (reading): The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you . . . and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you." . . . ~ Genesis 12:1-7 

Me (as I continue to read): This is the gift that wraps up all stresses quiet: I will bless you. "I will bless you," says the God who comes to where you are. Who comes in the heaviness of the day, to the space where the weight hangs on the edges of you, so you just keep holding your breath, so you just keep forgetting to breathe. But the weight of everything melts like thinning snow in the heat of His words: "I will bless you." He will not burden you. He will not break you. He will bless you-the God of invincible reliability, the God who has infinite resources, the God who is insistent love. You can always go ahead and breathe-He will bless. You can always breathe when you know all is grace.

At this point I am bawling my eyes out as I read. God is writing me a love letter.

Me (reading through flowing tears): That is the order of grace. . . . The personal blessings envelop you first. Then you are the blessing sent to the world. You will be experienced as a blessing-to the extent you have first experienced yourself as blessed. You must feel the fullness of your own pitcher before you trust the pouring out of yourself. "It is not use for you attempt to sow out of any empty basket, for that would be sowing nothing but wind," wrote Spurgeon. So slow down to feel the wind. Listen to the carols just a little bit longer. Linger in the quiet and taste the grace of now, and know that He is good and He is God. Name them in this moment-gift upon gift upon gift-and listen for the echo in everything: I will bless you.

Me (to the children): Do you understand what I'm reading? God is telling us not to worry. He is telling me my worrying last night and today was for nothing because I we are His children and He loves us. He will bless us always so we can go out and bless others. We are walking testimonies for His love, for His mercy and for His grace.

Cameron: Mom, you always talk about this stuff, but I've never understood until tonight. I don't know what to say. It's ironic.

Me: It's not ironic, it's God. (And then I begin to read again) D.L. Moody once wrote, "Faith is the gift of God. So is the air, but you have to breathe it; so is bread, but you have to eat it; so is water, but you have to drink it." Breathe it, eat it, drink it-leave the blur of Ur and slow to taste and see the promised land of Advent, of Christmas, of His Coming-the blessing of gift upon gift. Only when you first unwrap the gifts of blessings to you can you be wrapped up as a gift of blessing to others. Only when you are overwhelmed with the goodness of God can you overflow with the goodness of God to others. And that is the blessing God graced Abram with, the blessing He graces you with this Advent, the gift that makes you a gift. The greatest gift God graces a should with is His own presence. So the whirl can hush and the spin can slow because He will bless, and He will bless with Himself come down. The present is His presence, and the greatest present you always have to give is His presence-looking into someone's eyes as you listen, refusing the wrong of rushing, lingering long enough to really listen-to everything. There is no need for more: the heart is full of gifts that is full of Christ. It's strange how that happens-that any place becomes the Promised Land when the blessing of His presence becomes the gift we receive-and give. Advent happening anywhere.

Wow! Talk about knocking my socks off. It's as if God was thumping me over the head, "Do you hear me Tiffany?" Yes. Loud and clear. Sometimes I need the hit over the head Lord. Sorry. I. Am. Blessed.

Happy 14th Birthday Cameron

I can't believe Cameron is a freshman. Every time someone mentions, "Oh, isn't Cameron a freshman now?" I feel a little sucker punch to the stomach. Can I be in denial a little bit longer please? I can't believe Mike isn't here to empathize with me about having a high schooler. My baby boy, my first born, the one who made me a Mama, is 14 today. I suppose there is no more denial to be had. A few days before school started I had a mini-meltdown. Obviously Peyton has changed the most, she was only 3 when her Daddy died, but I feel like it's Cameron that is a completely different child than he was just 2.8 years ago. He's 5'7, taller than his Dad and I. His voice has changed. He has hair. He is a young man. A young man who is relying on his mother on how to be a man. I am not sure that I'm qualified for the job.

On September 7, 1999 I went in to my OB for my regular weekly check-up. My blood pressure was high. I explained that within the last week my dad's house was in danger due to the Willow Fire and my step-dad had been in a head-on collision on his way to work. The nurse asked me to lie on my left side and relax. Finally the doctor said that I was to go straight to the hospital, he was inducing me. Well, as you know I'm stubborn as hell and when we left the doctor office I told Mike to take me home. I needed to pack my hospital bag (I hadn't done that yet because I wasn't due until the 21st) and I wanted to talk to Grandma. Everyone was sitting at the dinner table when we came in and I told them what was going on. Grandma looked at Mike and said, "And you didn't take her straight to the hospital?" Mike replied, "Can you tell her to do anything she doesn't want to?"

When we got to the hospital everything was ready. I was taken to a room, and IV started, after the first one blew (I had a beautiful bruise on my forearm because of it) and some kind of pill was put next to my cervix to begin the process. It was 6:35 pm. I don't remember when the pitocin was started by IV, but I do remember the doctor breaking my water at 2:30 pm the following afternoon, September 8th. When the doctor came at me with what looked like a ginormous crochet hook, Mike's eyes went big as saucers. The doctor had hoped to move along the process, as I was stuck dilated at a 2 the entire time. That night was exhausting. I labored and labored and labored, and between all that the nurse would give me stadol for the pain. At 6:30 am on the 9th the nurse came in and said the doctor would give me another hour and then we'd discuss c-section. Still only dilated to a 2, I nodded and she left. Mike looked at me like, "What the hell?" and said, "What is an hour going to do that the last 36 hasn't?" I told him to go get the nurse and bring her back. When she came in, I told her, "Where do I sign? Get this baby out of me." She brought the papers in, turned off the IV and...my labor stopped. Completely stopped. It was all chemical labor, Cameron had no desire to come out on his own.

Because 2 people loved each other...

I slept during the c-section. I was whooped. I heard Cameron cry and remember opening my eyes, but I couldn't find him. Finally the nurse brought him over to me and all I could see was his dad's nose. I said, "You've got your Dad's nose." The nurse took him to do what she needed to and I told Mike, "Go with the baby." He waffled for a minute, unsure on what he should do. I went back to sleep and was awake again when they moved me from the operating table to a bed, wheeling me into recovery. I tried, Dear God did I try, to sleep in recovery, but that damn nurse kept poking me and telling me I had to wake up. Did she not know that I had been in labor for 37 1/2 hours before my son was born at 8:04 am?

When I was taken to my room I expected to see my son. Wrong. Mike came in to tell me my Grandma and egg donor had seen Cameron while they were in the nursery. The doctor came out and told the 3 of them that I am very narrow and will most likely never deliver children the old fashioned way. Grandma, not missing a beat, said, "You mean there's something small on Tiffany?" Mike was livid. I waited for 4 1/2 hours before my son was brought to me around 1 pm. Shortly after my Dad and brother, Scott, showed up and my Dad was the first family member, beside Mike and myself, to hold Cameron, his first grandson.

I breastfed Cameron only twice before I developed an excruciating migraine. I've suffered with migraines since I was 9, but never had I ever felt something like this. The nurses were wrapping my head in ice packs, shooting me up with demerol, and Cameron never took from me again. I suffered with, what I now know was, a spinal migraine for 10 days after the birth of Cameron. The demerol kept me pretty out of it and once, while I was holding my newborn, I dozed off for just a second, but Cameron rolled right out of my arms into my lap. After that Mike refused to leave Cameron with me while I was alone. Grandma and he took shifts. If Mike had to work, Grandma was there. The evening of the 10th Mike had taken off to Costco so Grandma was there. I was out of it when the nursery nurse came in and said, "Gah! She's sleeping again? When do you think she'll want her baby?" Grandma, who hardly ever was confrontational, said, "What exactly do you get paid for?" The nurse left in a huff. When I awoke, Grandma told me the story and I called to have Cameron brought to me.

Daddy and Cameron

When I met my husband he did not want children. I would like to say becoming a mother was the most beautiful experience of my life, but quite honestly, it wasn't. Because of the spinal migraine, I got to sit on the sidelines and watch my husband become a Daddy. Not just any Daddy. Oh no! My husband was the most amazing father I could have ever asked for for my children. From the beginning he was hands on. My husband was a far superior Daddy to my lack of Mama skills. I'm certain my friends, a few family, and my Beloved would dispute this, but I call it as I see it.

Mama and Cameron

On the 11th of September, just 2 days after having my firstborn via c-section, I demanded to be released from the hospital. The care was inadequate. I knew I would be cared for at home, and as long as I did as was instructed, I would be fine. We were home a little after 6 pm, 4 days after it all began. Just 10 days later, as Cameron lay on the couch, I laid my face next to his watching him sleep, in awe, I whispered, "I can't wait to do this again." I knew then, like I know now, that I was put on this earth to be a mother. My greatest blessings call me Mama.

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Side note:
Cameron, very much into Winnie the Pooh (also his nursery), adored Roo. Roo calls Kanga "Mama" and that is why Cameron began calling me Mama. Dylan followed suit, and Peyton after.

Young Man in Uniform

AFJROTC Cadet Airman Basic Johnson

This picture is bittersweet. Although I am proud as hell to be this young man's mother, I am devastated for him that he will never wear a real Air Force uniform thanks to Type 1 Diabetes. These shots were taken shortly after he picked up his uniform this morning.

Second Day of School

We had time this morning for a little photo shoot. Technically the second day of school, but who cares? The pics were taken.

First Day of School

I was unable to take my annual First Day of School pics this morning. The children did not grasp the concept that school starts earlier this year. No matter, there is always tomorrow. A couple of years ago we began a new tradition of eating dinner out to celebrate the first day of school. The kiddos come home with a ton of handouts to fill out and sign, so this is a much simpler solution, especially since it's just me now. This will have to do until tomorrow.

Best $600 Spent

I started a load of wash on Tuesday only to hear a terrible noise come from my washing machine. I was keeping an eye on it when to my surprise, black gunk began leaking from underneath. The transmission went out. I spoke to 2 appliance repairmen who both were shocked that I got 12 years and 9 months out of my washing machine. One even called it a "throw away" that usually dies within 3 years of purchase. I figure I'm blessed to have gotten my $600 worth out of the pair that Hubby and I purchased when we moved into our first apartment. What I didn't count on was the unexpected expense of a new washer and dryer. Let's face it, the dryer has had some problems the last couple of years, and I'm a firm believer you don't buy one without the other, because that's just taunting the universe.

I jumped online to research and found a great deal at Lowe's. The washer was marked down $150, while the dryer was marked down $105 and the reviews were awesome. Great, right? Wrong. Neither were available for (free) delivery until the 25th. I can not be without a washer and dryer that long, especially with school starting back up on Monday. I decided to check out Home Depot and guess what, they have them, only not on sale. I took a chance and called to ask if they price compare. Guess what? They do. Plus they offer free delivery, free haul away and were available 23 days before Lowe's. Done. I ran up to the store, practically vomited as I made the biggest purchase since my Beloved died, and then quickly thanked God for providing the means to do just that.

After the delivery guys left, I laid each of my hands on the washer and dryer and prayed, "Lord, let these get me through another 12 years. I'll take 10 minimum." Cameron laughed, clearly thinking I was insane.

Cameron Goes to Camp 2013

For the fifth year we have driven to Fontana and dropped Cameron off at the Camp's bus stop. For the fifth year we have been abundantly blessed to have fundraised the money we need to send Cameron to camp for 2 weeks. In my opinion the opportunity afforded to Cameron to attend diabetic camp is priceless. He is learning the skills he needs to keep himself alive. He's only got 5 years before he goes out into the world relying on himself. I won't always be there. (I admit it scares the hell out of me to think of him handling this wretched disease alone!) This year Cameron leaves the youth session behind and begins his time at teen camp with the older kids. See you in 2 weeks son!

As has become our ritual, we watch the buses leave and then the littles and I head to The Cheesecake Factory (Best. Guacamole. Ever.) to begin our vacation minus Cameron. I think they were stuffed and approved.

Nerd Alert!

There is never a dull moment with this teenager! He did buy the Ponies shirt, but skipped out on the JB notebooks (thank God!). Even I'm jealous of the R2D2 lunchbox. Words can not describe how awesome this kid is. He is funny as hell, nerdy, cute and starting high school in a month. HIGH SCHOOL! How is this my life?!?!

Happy Independence Day

The Single Parent

Pastor Tom wasn't even finished with the first page and these are the notes I've taken!

Tonight's message at church was about The Single Parent. Before Pastor Tom took the stage, a pre-recordered video was shown of a woman and 3 of her 4 children (now grown). Her husband didn't die, he left his family for a new woman. One of her sons said, and I'm paraphrasing: I just want to put this out to the men. Whether they [boys] are your own or not, mentor them because young men can't raise themselves.

Cameron leans over to me and says: The men in my life didn't get this memo.

I was FLOORED!

Pastor Tom brought up the need for Godly uncles (and then aunts) in children's lives. I look over at Cameron he rolled his eyes. ROLLED. HIS. EYES. His Dad was appalled, I'm sure, that he picked up that gem from me. After he rolled his eyes he said: Yep, we pretty much were screwed in that department too.

I don't condone his word usage, but he has a valid point.

Still Taking Care of His Family

Summer school, at AAE, began yesterday. We weren't notified that he earned a spot, by someone either not showing up or dropping AAE for Options for Youth, until 3pm. The counselor called and asked that I have Cameron at school by 7:45 to fill out paperwork. As I woke up this morning, at 5:30 am, after having a restless night due to Peyton having a nightmare and sleeping with me, I was one hot Mama. My first thought was what a pain in the arse Cameron is. Summer school (AGAIN) this year. GRRRR! He has just got to step his game up, he starts high school in August and his blasé attitude regarding school just isn't going to cut it. Sure I can harp on him 24/7, but the truth is he needs to do a little growing up. I failed all but 1 class my freshman year of high school and worked my ass off the following 3 years to earn back all of the credits I lost to graduate with my class. HARD. DAMN. WORK. Do I want that for him? No. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

We walked in the office and it was a ghost town. I went to knock on the counselor's door, but saw he was on the phone and began to step away when he saw me. He told me he'd be right with me as soon as he was done with his phone call. When he called me in Dylan said he knew the counselor because a he is a friend's (in his class) Dad. I took a seat in his office and the counselor went over the schedule and told me that he was going to sit Cameron down to have a serious talk with him about his grades (pretty much backing up my previous statements in the paragraph above). I told him that would be much appreciated, that education is very important in our family, but as I am now a single mother because his Dad died 2 years ago, there was only so much I could do. The counselor, upon hearing about my Beloved, said, "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that." I told him my husband was the Special Ed teacher from the high school and the counselor's face dropped, it DROPPED. It was then that I figured out this man knew my husband. He said, "Mike was your husband?" and began to get choked up, sitting down, putting his head in his hands. Needless to say I already had tears in my eyes at his recognition, but to see a man get choked up, I was in tears. I replied, "Yes." The counselor explained that he had worked with Mike for 2 years and they had gone to school together.

As he is talking to me, it dawns on me that Mike had talked about him and I remembered Mike being upset when he was laid off. Because the counselor had been laid off, he was working up north when the principal from the high school had contacted him about Mike. He said he wanted to make it to the memorial, but just couldn't make it happen. After shedding some tears, going over some of the events, especially the kid's and I rolling up on the scene and Cameron seeing the life saving tactics used on his Dad, images no 11 year old should ever have to witness, the counselor tells me that he's going to keep a close eye on Cameron. He said, "I would have anyway, but now this is personal." Personal. Wow. New tears fell down my cheeks. I thanked him profusely, grabbed the littles, and walked out of the office thinking, 2 years and 5 months later God (with help from Mike, I'm sure) is making sure his family is taken care of.

I seriously needed some fresh air, so I took the littles to the park. I sat there, still raw with emotion, crying. I thought about a man I saw on The View a few weeks ago, Lt. Mark Weber, who wrote a book, Tell My Sons. Although I have not read his book, as I'm not sure emotionally I could, he said something that day that struck a chord with me.

What do you do when life doesn't go the way that you want it too? .... Life's not gonna go the way that you want it to. Realize that sadness is part of the equation. You can't get rid of that. And you don't call what's sad, happy. You look for the happiness that's right next to it. ~ Lt. Mark Weber 

A few weeks after Mike died I was talking to a stranger at church, who is now a friend on Facebook, and told her my life is 2 parallel feelings that never, and will never, intersect. One way, let's say traveling from the left, is a sadness like no other. It's heartbreaking (see picture to help drive this point home, I use it as my profile pic on Facebook, although EVERYONE hates it, when I can't express my feelings), gut wrenching, unbearable, and often sends me to my knees crying out for help from above. The other way, traveling from the right, is a love like no other, the kind that can only come from my Abba Father in heaven, raining down blessings that I can't even begin to process (that still happen to this very day) making me ABUNDANTLY blessed beyond measure.

Sadly, just eight days after Lt. Mark Weber's episode of The View aired, he lost his fight with intestinal cancer. 

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .... WOW what a ride. ~ Mark Frost

Peyton Goes to Kindergarten

I had no idea how hard today was going to hit me. I woke up this morning crying harder than I've cried in a very long time. Back to School day tends to hit me pretty hard. Is it because Mike was a teacher and we've started a new school year without him again? Or is it that today our baby girl started school without her Daddy? Another milestone without him.

This year I have a kid at all 3 campuses. I'll be playing around with drop off and pick up times for the next few weeks. We set out and dropped Cameron off first at Mojave River Campus (MRC). Off to Corwin Campus (CC) we go, and I walked Dylan in, taking a pic of him before Peyton and I made our way over to Thunderbird Campus (TBC). I grabbed a few shots of Peyton before we headed into the class.

How blessed am I to have Ms. Cambridge in my life? She was Dylan's Kindergarten teacher, and fellow widow. Try as I might, the tears never stopped, and my eyes flooded more as she read The Kissing Hand to the class. I left my daughter at school and came straight home.

Home, hasn't really felt like a home since Mike died. It's more like a house, shelter, if you will. A home is a place where you feel happy, love, and I'm not saying there aren't times I still feel that, but mostly, I look at it as my sanctuary. A place to run and hide and block out the pain. Today, it feels different. I don't have a husband who will come home and care whether I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed the carpet, or prepped an amazing dinner. The kids don't care if I'm making a feast or chicken nuggets with macaroni and cheese. Today, for the first time since Mike died, I feel completely, and utterly alone.

I know what some of you would say, "Pick yourself up." I don't want to. Today, I want to feel the pain. I want to embrace it. I want to eat my emotions (I'm well on my way) and look around my house, remembering when it was a home.

Peyton Goes to the Dentist

All 3 kids were scheduled to see their dentist in February. Since we lost our insurance January 31 because Mike died, I had to cancel the appointments. It was to be Peyton's first visit. I called the boys' dentist, Dr. Bell, and explained what happened. I was told that he would not accept medical, which REALLY bummed me out. I called back last month just to make sure before searching out a new dentist.

Because the boys were already established patients, we had been with him since 2004, Dr. would keep us on under medical. He doesn't accept NEW patients with medical. Whew! When I asked about Peyton, the nurse said I would have to discuss that with him when the boys saw him. Yesterday I took the boys in. I was already coming off of a bad night, a REALLY bad one, so my emotions were ON the surface. I had to make sure all the boy's info was still correct. UGH! Of course it wasn't. Insurance changed, Mama's relationship status changed, I had to mark deceased next to Dad's info...I was a MESS. The woman asked me, "You aren't the one who lost her camera at Red Robin, are you?" I was taken aback and said I was. "I heard them talking about it on the radio. I told her the story. Finally she asked me, "Could you sign and date here to verify the changes?" I began bawling. There was Mike's signature and I hadn't seen it in almost 9 months.

While Dr. Bell examined Cameron we talked about faith, what God has planned, etc. He told me that because the boys are already part of the Bell family, Peyton is too, and he would love to see her. I was relieved. When I was setting up the next appointment for the boys, they told me they could see Peyton today. Done.

We got up this morning and did it all over again. This time I filled out new paperwork for Peyton, which didn't seem as bad as scratching out my old life yesterday. I also wasn't a blubbering basket case today.

I was a little perturbed about not having a camera to commemorate Peyton's first dentist visit, like I have with the boys. My iPhone had to do the job for me. GRRRRR!

Peyton played Star Wars while the hygienist cleaned her teeth. She did such a wonderful job. I had been concerned about some spots on her teeth, and fortunately, NO CAVITIES! They were iron stains from her kid's vitamin. (Dylan is the only one who has ever had a cavity, it was the beginning of one, so I am very blessed.)

As Dr. Bell went to his next patient, he said, "Don't forget what I told you yesterday Tiffany." The hygienist looked at me. Cameron looked at me. I told him I wouldn't. Before we left yesterday, Dr. Bell pulled me aside and told me, "If you need anything, please call my office and leave a message with one of my girls. You are part of our family and we're going to help take care of you."

Have I mentioned lately how abundantly blessed I am?

Millennium Falcon

Cameron and Noah worked their butts off, and did an amazing job, putting together the new Star Wars Lego ship (Millennium Falcon) Cameron got for his birthday. His face is sick and nervous holding the ship. Cameron was so afraid of dropping it.

There You'll Be

Cameron graduated 6th grade this morning. He asked to wear one of his Dad's ties, so I pulled out the tote of Mike's clothes and grabbed his purple one out, still knotted. I am so proud of Cameron and the young man he is becoming. He has grown leaps and bounds over the last 21 weeks.

The emotional basket case I was on Monday didn't hit...until the end. One of the student's is moving to Florida in a few days and she sang a song to end the ceremony. The minute the song began I lost it, and I knew...I knew my poor boy was sitting up in the front doing the same. You see, of ALL the songs this girl could have chosen to sing, well, Mike used her to give Cameron and I a message today because she sang There You'll Be by Faith Hill. It's a song that I picked for Mike's slideshow, and a song I listen to often for comfort.

After the final announcements I watched my boy walk up to me, eyes red, still visibly shaking, and for those who didn't know about Cameron and his Dad, looked on at Cameron and I holding each other tightly while we bawled our eyes out. His little heart hurt so badly from the absence of his father.




We said our goodbye's to Grandpa, my dad was available to be there with me today, which meant the world and all to me, and off to Red Robin we went for Cameron's celebratory lunch. Angelique and the kiddos met us there and we had a great time. We weren't the only AAE'ers there. Cameron's final count was 15 other 6th grade graduates. Red Robin was HOPPING!

Mom

At bedtime Cameron's blood sugar number was low, so after prayers, he just laid in bed with me. The next thing I know, Cameron is crying, steady tears streaming down his face, and I joined in. All he could say was, Mom. (Pause). Mom. (Pause). Mom. I responded with I know Cameron. I know.

My precious boy has never been so exposed with me. I pray he continues to show me his emotions, rather than bottling them up, as was his Dad's MO.

Dating (From Cameron's Perspective)

I tried to post this to my Facebook wall (several times) but it still isn't showing up as a whole post.

Cameron: Mom, will you ever live with somebody again?

Me: I live with 3 somebodies.

Cameron: No, I mean...will you ever date?

Me: OH! Cameron...I...uh...

Cameron: I just don't want you to be lonely Mom. You have too much love to give and some guy is going to get a great catch.

Me: Cameron, what do you know about a great catch?

Cameron: You're a fantastic cook, you're the best mom, you're fun and funny and you deserve to be happy. He (the, uh, guy I'm suppose to date, according to Cameron) won't replace Dad, but he'll be just as lucky as Dad to have you. He (the guy Cameron has me dating) is going to have to be awesome to win your heart Mama.

When this kid uses Mama, I know he is speaking from his heart. As hard as I may try to hide certain aspects of this process, it amazes me what my children pick up on. Leave it to Cameron to vocalize it. I LOVE that kid!

Singing

Cameron: Mama, your singing!
Me: What?
Cameron: You haven't sang since Dad died.
(Technically not true...I held Cameron on my lap, rocking him back and forth, singing God of Wonders while Pastor Jeff played it during Mike's memorial)
Dylan & Peyton from back of van: Yea.
Dylan: You haven't sang in a long time Mama.
Wow! I hadn't noticed, but my kids did. :(

What was I singing? glee's version of Don't Stop Believin'. Appropriate, no?!?!