Crushed

I logged on facebook tonight after our family prayers. You all (well not EVERYONE on facebook, but a great deal of you) have told me that my posts, my emotions, my feelings...that I put myself out there and it makes it easier for you to pray for me. I have asked for a few prayer requests, but tonight...my beautiful prayer warriors, tonight is different.

My spirit is crushed. I have been crushed for a couple of weeks now, and I have been throwing myself a great, big, 'ol pity party for 1. I am heartbroken (which is nothing new the last 11 weeks), but I feel it more strongly right now. I feel it to the depth of my soul. I feel it physically, not just emotionally. I. AM. BROKEN. I don't know if it's another holiday rolling around, or that Monday it will be 12 weeks since my Beloved left us and went to heaven.

Please pray for a few things for me. 1.) My husband's cause of death would be expedited. We are entering the 12th week on Sunday. The day after Mike's autopsy they told me 12-16 weeks. Please pray it would be 12, not 16. 2.) Pray that I would have the strength to move on. I'm going on, but I'm not moving very fast. I was born on Groundhog's Day, and I absolutely HATE the movie, yet I am living it EVERY damn day of my life right now. 3.) Pray that I would have the courage to do what I need. I'm a fearful person by nature, seriously afraid of my own shadow. I am afraid of my future. I am fearful of when the other shoe will drop. I don't want to live my life like that, not now or for the rest of my life.

When I logged in I scrolled down a bit to find that Laura, God's appointed messenger to me, had posted this verse...

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them: he delivers them from all their troubles. the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18 She coulddn't have known why I logged in, and still, I felt like it was directed at me.

Thanks to all who read this and pray for me.

Where is Heaven?

Me: Sweet dreams Peyton.
Peyton: Where is Daddy's heaven?
Me: Way up, up, up in the sky.
Peyton: How did Daddy get there?
Me (with my hand on her chest): When Daddy died, his body stayed here. His spirit (my hand leaves her chest and motions) floated out of his body, in to the sky to be with Jesus.
Peyton: That hurt Daddy!
Me: No, baby. That part didn't hurt Daddy. (now I'm in tears)
Peyton: I miss him so much.
Me: Me too.
Peyton: I love my Daddy.
Me (bawling): Me too.
Peyton: You sad?
Me: Yes. You know Daddy misses us too? He loves us so much.
Peyton (laying down): I love my Daddy so much.
Me: I love you Peyton.
Peyton: I love you Mama.

Singing

Cameron: Mama, your singing!
Me: What?
Cameron: You haven't sang since Dad died.
(Technically not true...I held Cameron on my lap, rocking him back and forth, singing God of Wonders while Pastor Jeff played it during Mike's memorial)
Dylan & Peyton from back of van: Yea.
Dylan: You haven't sang in a long time Mama.
Wow! I hadn't noticed, but my kids did. :(

What was I singing? glee's version of Don't Stop Believin'. Appropriate, no?!?!

Original Song

I'm seriously considering renaming my blog to include Chris Colfer in some form or fashion. Just kidding, but here I am again, about to go all gooey for Chris Colfer. Kudos to Kurt for standing up to Blaine and telling him that they aren't the Warblers, but Blaine and the Pips. (Secretly I don't mind that they are Blaine and the Pips because...Darren freakin' Criss!!!) I loved that they did my favorite Maroon 5 song, Misery. Kurt sang another Beatles song, Blackbird, and nailed it.

As I said before, Quinn is a bitch and she's only using Finn for Prom Queen. 

Original songs, Trouty Mouth, Big Ass Heart, and Hell to the No, as sung by the New Directions were hideously hilarious. I am curious as to how many takes it took to film them, because seriously, I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face.

Rachel puts all the pain of her breakup with Finn into a beautiful, original song called Get It Right. I couldn't listen to it without crying. I literally had tears in my eyes remembering my first heartbreak as I endure my second heartbreak while I type. I wonder...will I ever be brave enough to give my heart, or what's left of it calling itself my heart, to another man. Only time will tell. 

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air 
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair! 
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer 
And finally someone will see how much I care

Oh, and Klaine became a couple.

I couldn't even keep a straight face as I wrote that one line like the thought of Kurt and Blaine becoming a couple hasn't consumed me for months. It's official! Blaine finally realized Kurt was what he'd been looking forever for. He spilled his heart out to Kurt and then laid one on him. I was hooting and hollering and clapping all at the same time. Then I rewound it and watched it unfold all over again. Kurt's reaction was so freakin' adorable. Their duet of Candles at Regionals doesn't hold a candle to Baby, It's Cold Outside, but I am uber bias. 

Sexy

Everything that I felt the episode Blame It on the Alcohol lacked, this episode had.

Gwyneth Paltrow is back at Holly Holiday. She clues Mr. Shue into the lack of sex education of the New Directions. Finn thought he got his girlfriend pregnant by via hot tub and Brittany thinks storks bring babies. My favorite performance was Paltrow's version of Joan Jett's Do You Wanna Touch Me brilliantly ended with Ms. Holliday's advice, "So just remember whenever you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with. And everybody's got a random."

Whereas Blaine exudes sex appeal, poor Kurt is just pure and adorable, which is what makes this couple compliment each other so well. As Blaine tries to talk to Kurt about sex, Kurt closes himself off to the topic, "I like romance. That's why I like Broadway musicals because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets." Blaine going to Burt on behalf of Kurt and his lack of sex education was above and beyond and his plea was exactly what Kurt needed. Extra point in Blaine's favor (like he needs any more). Another perfect father/son moment in the Hummel household came when Burt told Kurt "This is going to suck for both of us" as he sits Kurt down for the talk.

I hope I have an ounce of the knowledge, the right words Burt had for his son when I sit down to give my son's the talk. DAMN YOU MIKE FOR LEAVING ME TO DO THIS!