My Most Beautiful, Wonderful, Glorious Dream

I had the most beautiful dream this morning. It would have been more realistic if Mandelyn had been diagnosed with some disease, rather than just ripped from us in an instant. Sara and Mandelyn, along with family and friends, were on a cruise ship … why a cruise ship? I don't know, but maybe because of size. Anyhow, we all traded Mande off, each spending quality time with her, essentially saying our goodbyes. Beautiful sentiment, don't you think? If only that could have been. For my family, it almost was. We had a fluke meeting at Target the night before the accident. Mandelyn spent her last night on earth with us and for that, I'm eternally grateful. For those who know Mande's story, you know SHE was the one saying goodbye, and had been doing so leading up to the accident. We, however, said our goodbye's while she laid in a hospital bed on life support. My dream was peaceful, she was running around, hollering Cameron's name, saying, "Baby Handsome" and just being Mande. When I awoke from this magnificent dream, I expected to be down, but it was opposite. It was as if I (WE) just spend the night with her and actually felt REALLY good this morning. Cameron has seen her, but he believes he's dreaming. I have told Sara repeatedly that I want Cameron to tell me when he's 18 that Mandelyn came and slept with him. Or, when he has his firstborn (if it's a girl she will more than likely carry the name Mandelyn or Belle in some form or fashion) that she came to visit him and high-five him or something. Sara believes, and as do I, that these two will grow up together. And here is where the water works come. I can talk about Mandelyn ALL day, EVERY day, and only tear up, but when I talk about these two, I crumble to pieces. I just want her to be there for Cameron. I want him to know that he can ALWAYS go to her. I want to have more dreams like last night too. The kids were older, not terribly older, but where Dylan was cracking Mandelyn up with his newfound dancing and talking. You see, Cameron would crack Mandelyn up when she was a baby, and now Dylan is at the age where Mandelyn and he could have really started to get along. That is bittersweet, you know? Okay, enough rambling. I really only intended to talk about my dream, which has kept a smile on my face all morning.

Mandelyn's Marker Dedication

We visited Sunset Hills today for Mandelyn's marker dedication. At first, I must admit, I wasn't thrilled that we were doing this on Cameron's birthday. He's already missing her so badly and continually talking about her not being here for his birthday. He had a song he wanted to sing, but got up this morning and said he really didn't feel like it. I thought, "OH NO! Here is comes. He's not going to do this today." Mind you, this kid has been PATIENTLY waiting for his cousin's marker to come in. When the time came to go, he ran out the door, which of course relieved me. On the way there, he said, "Mama, I get to spend my birthday with Mandelyn!" He was then excited. I sighed a great sigh of relief. We blew bubbles and Mandelyn's Uncle Cody played his new acoustic guitar. I videotaped it and took some pictures of everyone for Sara to have and to send to her dad, who lives in Washington and couldn't make it. All in all, a wonderfully spent time, visiting, and taking in everything Mandelyn. I miss her so much and tomorrow is going to be so hard. We're having Cameron's 7th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. Cameron isn't worried though, "She'll be at Chuck E. Cheese with us tomorrow." However, even as upbeat as he is, he is continually asking questions about cremeation (Mandelyn was cremated) and her marker and if she's under it. Let's face it, he is ONLY 7. Already at 7, so much he has had to endure. Mainly the loss of his beautiful cousin, who thought the sun and moon rose and set on him. Oh, how I pray for his little heart to heal.

Just 3 months...seems like a year

My niece has been gone only 3 months. She was taken off life support near midnight on June 4th, but she hadn't been with us the previous 2 days, so it was expected. I had a rough couple of days. I just want to see her. I want to hear her voice. I wish I could feel that knock-me-over hug she gave me the night before the accident. I wish...a million different things. I wish her mom comfort. I wish Cameron could understand that we can't replace her. I wish Dylan would remember how in love she was with him. I wish Mike could go back to that night and do things differently. I wish...does no good. That is why it is a wish. I pray. I pray for the comfort her mom needs. I pray Cameron realizes what a blessing 35 months was. I pray she always visits Dylan. I pray Mike comes to terms with the circumstances surrounding those 3 days. Three days...wow! I can ALMOST tell you every detail about those 3 days. For the longest time, I didn't recall what she looked like all hooked up in that bed. Unfortunately, I now can. I kissed her. I held her hand. I told her I loved her. Could she hear me? Did I tell her enough that I loved her while she was alive? We went to Mojave Narrows new water park today. Mandelyn waited for that to be open for so long. It opened after she was gone. We had her 3rd birthday party, without her, there. It only seemed appropriate to be there today. I just pray she was with us.

Too Much Name for Her Mouth

So, yesterday was my brother's birthday. The family got together for dinner at Red Lobster. Well, not the whole family. My cousin wasn't there and it was hard being together without Mande. But I don't want this to be a downer today. Today, I want to share a Mande story. Mandelyn couldn't say her whole name, Mandelyn Belle Babcock. It was just TOO much name for her mouth. Instead, she would turn Italian (which she didn't have an ounce of in her) and say, "I'm a Mandelyn-A-Bellcock." I wish I could hear her say that right now. Actually, what I wouldn't do to hear her say, "Baby Handsome" just one more time. I miss you Mandelyn.

Mandelyn's Gone NOT Forgotten

I finally decided to get onto myspace and all I want to do is talk about my niece. It seems like everytime I get on this computer, all I ever want to write about is my Princess Mandelyn. I get grumpy, not so much because of me, although I miss the heck out of her everyday, but mainly because of my boys. Cameron and she were like "peas and carrots" as Forrest Gump said. No two cousins could have loved each other more. Cameron has his good days and his bad. How do you explain to your 6 year old that his 3 year old cousin isn't coming home, but be happy that we got to know her? I try. Some days it comes easier to me, but then there are days like today, where nothing I say comes out right. And Dylan, bless his heart, will never remember just how much she was in love with him. He does, however, remember her. I can say to him, "Where's Mandelyn?" And he'll go straight to her picture on the wall, and the collage I made, stare at her and talk to her. It's the sweetest, but also bittersweet, you know? It's just so frustrating at times. I wake up from a dream about her and the realization she isn't here hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I realize that we aren't meant to be on this planet forever, and that there is a better place for us in the end, but her end came too soon. Today, I feel as though I'm in a dream and would like it if someone would pinch me back to June 1st. Mandelyn may be gone, for now, but she will never be forgotten.