Spring Reading Thing 2008

I am new to Blogger, having only been here a week, and saw this challenge! AWESOME, I thought! Katrina, over at Callapidder Days is hosting Spring Read Thing 2008. I have a list of books I've been wanting to delve into. The idea is to join the challenge, make a list of books you want to read, write a post about it, and get reading. My goal of reading is primarily to better oneself. After the last couple of years I've had, I NEED to focus on my faith again, I need to better myself, so that I can be the wife my husband deserves, the mama my 3 beautiful children are proud of, and a friend anyone can turn to. Having said all of this, here is my list:

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
Sacred Marriage by Gary L. Thomas
Sacred Parenting by Gary L. Thomas
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
The Purpose Drive Life by Rick Warren
The Busy Mom's Devotional by Lisa T. Bergren
You: On a Diet by Mehmet C. Oz and Michael F. Roizen
Night by Elie Wisel
Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time by Valerie Bertinelli
sTORI TELLING by Tori Spelling.

I'll be lucky if I get half of these books done, after all, I'm a mama of 3, including a 4 1/2 month old, but I'm going to try my hardest! Wish me luck!

June 3, 2006...the day I told Cameron!

2:09 am I got a call from Sara's cell. It was a family friend, saying that if I needed to say goodbye, I needed to do it now. I told her I said all I needed to while I was there. I lay back down, thinking, it's coming. Anytime now, she'll be gone. I was right, but not in the way you think. Sara saw Mandelyn's spirit leave about the time I got the call, but her body didn't shut down. When Sara called that morning and was telling me how she saw Mandelyn…I was shaking because Cameron had drawn Mandelyn in that purple dress and all her curls. The last time Cameron had seen his cousin, she was in a green sundress and braids. I saw her lying in that hospital bed, head shaved. I believe Mandelyn left her mommia at the hospital, and instantly came to Cameron. In fact, he woke up June 1st this year telling me how much he loves it when Mandelyn comes and sleeps with him on his back. After hanging up the phone with Sara, my friend Diane called to see how I was. I was talking to her, keeping my voice down, when Cameron came up to me with a letter. He wanted to pray for Mandelyn again. I hung up the phone and proceeded to do the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. "Son, come sit with me on the couch." I tried so hard not to cry, to be strong for him, I'm the mama, and it's my job. I told him that Mandelyn was hurt really badly in the accident. I told him that her brain was dead. I told him his cousin was going to die. He sat on the couch, rocking back and forth, looking down at his socks, pulling at them. It seemed like an eternity that he did this. I thought to myself, "Please just scream or something!" Cameron screamed, "God can't have her! I need her! She's my best friend! She's my best cousin!" and sank into my lap crying uncontrollably. We sat on that couch, crying. I had no words. None. All you could hear was sobbing. When he sat up, I explained that if Mandelyn stayed, she wouldn't be the Mandelyn he knew. She wouldn't be able to run, and jump, or even say his name. He's smart; he knows what the brain does. Our hearts, however, were the one's doing the talking that day. He asked me, "Does that mean God could take Dylan away from us?" Here this precious boy was putting the link together. I said, 'Yes, Cameron, it does." He never asked to see her. He never asked to go to the hospital. He just … was!

I waited for Mike to come home so I could head back to the hospital. I knew better what today held for me. I knew what we were expecting, if it hadn't happened by the time I got there. I pulled up, and saw Sara's Uncle Mike's truck in the parking lot. How could I look this wonderful man in the face? He is all about the kids, and took to Cameron the moment he met him! Mandelyn was 2 months old then. I walked in the hospital, more somber this time. I greeted the family and friends in the waiting room and went to Mandelyn's room. There stood her sister from Washington and Uncle Mike. I swear I didn't look him in the eyes. He hugged me and I wanted to die. Then, he asked, "How's Cameron?" Not, "Can you believe this?" or "How is Sara doing?" No, he asked about my son. The son I just had to sit down and tell him his "best friend" and "best cousin" was going to die. I don't even remember how I answered. All I know is I hadn't told that story yet, and just wasn't emotionally ready to either. We sat and waited for Mandelyn to be taken for her second brain death test. For any of you who don't know what this test is…it's barbaric to think you have to do it twice, with 12 hours in between! Whoever wrote that little procedure needs to sit at a hospital, with a 2 year old on her death bed, making the family wait out the inevitable! Just my two cents! I went to Mandelyn's bed side later that afternoon. I sat, holding her right hand, as best I could because it was full of needles and wrapped and such. I sat there telling her, "Mandelyn we all love you. I don't know if your mom is going to have the strength she needs to do this. If you have to go, we'll be alright. We'll be here for your mommia." Holding her left hand was her Papa. I remember thinking to myself, "I know he is telling her the exact opposite." He held out hope, bless his heart. He never accepted she was leaving, until the following day. Bless his heart; he never gave up on her. Mandelyn was visited by countless friends and family. And those who didn't make it to the hospital, called. I was in charge of handling the calls. I think that distanced me, in hindsight, from the happenings of the day, by telling the stories over and over again. At nightfall, one of Sara's friends came. She held it together while there, and when I went to check in on Mande, the doctor's called Sara away. Finally, we were told that Mandelyn's potassium level was so high, that if it were that high in us, we'd register brain dead, therefore the second brain death test was on hold. I just knew this was Mande's way of holding out for her grandpa in Washington. As Sara's friend left, the devastation of losing Mandelyn was evident, as her husband was practically carrying her out of the hospital that night. When I got home, I sat in my cozy, comforting, yellow chaise, which also happened to be Mandelyn's favorite spot, and broke down. Mike held me, both of us crying, and handed me a picture of her that had been sitting on the desk. Cameron was already in bed when I got home, so we put Dylan to bed together that night. Instantly he was pointing at the light in his room. He wouldn't quit and he wouldn't take his eyes off of it. I thought nothing of it, until about 15 minutes later, when I looked in on him, he was sitting in his crib, babbling at the light, now off, and pointing. I believe he was telling us Mandelyn was there to see her, "Baby Handsome." I went to bed completely crushed that night. What could I do for Sara? For Cameron? For my family? For myself? How would we survive this? We're family, but we're dysfunctional, just like 90% of America. Were we strong enough to come together and get through this? Time would only tell.

...I'll post June 4th tomorrow.

June 2, 2006...the day my world stood still!

This blog is a more than a week overdue. Sara said she's been checking daily for it, but it takes so much out of me to do this. With Cameron home, it's harder, as I sit here crying my eyes out, I don't want to upset him. He hates to see me cry, but here it is…

A year ago I was sitting in my church, Cameron's head buried under my arm, crying because the little girl in those pictures was no longer with us. Cameron took it hard; because there were A LOT of pictures of him and Mandelyn…they were, after all, "best friends" and "best cousins". Once in awhile I wonder how we survived last year. By the grace of God! By the grace of God!

June 2, 2006

"Tiffany, what's going on?"

"Who is this?" I asked.

"It's Micah, what's going on?"

"I don't know, what's going on?"

"With Sara?" Micah responded.

"Micah, I don't have a clue."

"You don't know?"

"Know what?" I asked.

"Sara was in an accident."

"Where's Sara?"

"It's Mandelyn. It's bad." The words didn't register.

"No, Mandelyn's at school."

"No, she was taken by helicopter to Loma Linda. She has severe head trauma."

I woke up that morning, thinking I needed to talk to Sara. ALL MORNING! Finally I called, but she didn't answer. I later found out she was being loaded into the ambulance when I called. After hanging up the phone with Micah, I called my husband. After hanging up with him, I called Angelique. My head spinning. Were the words really coming out of my mouth???

I was in denial most of that first day. The advances in medicine are so great, she'll be fine. They are overreacting…always with the worst case scenario and then they'll come in and say, "She's going to be fine!" Sara can't lose her. It's impossible. She was just here! She was just playing with Cameron last night. She'll be fine.

I got to that hospital, sat in a room with my family and friends. My Aunt, Mandelyn's Ga, came in and I could no longer live in denial. She wasn't expecting me there, I could see that in her eyes. When she looked at me, I could see she didn't want to say the next words that would come out of her mouth. Mandelyn wasn't going to make it. She fell to the floor, rolling around, crying, shuttering, a sight I'll not soon forget, if ever. I looked around the room, my brother was shaking his head, his wife visibly crying, my step-mother kept saying, "No! I want my miracle! Pammie, I want my miracle! I won't accept this!" Seriously? We're seriously saying that Mandelyn is going to die? Impossible! Isn't it? I have said that I blocked much of what Mandelyn looked like those days in the hospital. That was until around September/October, when they came flooding back to me like a TON of bricks. That little angel looked nothing like the night before when I saw her. In fact, my initial response to myself was, "Where is Mandelyn? This isn't her! Where is she? We have to find her, she's out there somewhere." After seeing Mandelyn, I called home. I called my husband to tell him, he was at work, the kids were at Auntie Angelique's. I told him to hold it together, because I wanted to be there to tell Cameron. I called Angelique, told her, and asked her to keep it together while my kids were there. Could they do this? Mike walked in to pick up the boys and Angelique had to grab him and move his face from the kids. I called because I knew I would not be able to see their reactions. I was already going to have to tell Cameron and watching my cousin, who is my sister in every way possible, live this was going to be too much! I couldn't handle my husband and best friend, other sister, too. Selfish on my part? Absolutely! Self-preservation? Maybe? I came home that night in no way, shape, or form ready to tell Cameron. In some ways I was still in denial…things could change overnight, right? I didn't talk about it much to Mike either. I just … was! Does that make sense?

...that's all I can post for today. I'll post June 3rd tomorrow.

with Love from God, Jesus & Me

This e-mail has been sitting in my inbox for a little while and I got to it this morning. As I was reading it I began to bawl. I cried so hard I got a migraine. I'm sure I don't have to explain to you why I cried, but I'll just say a couple of things. The little boy in this story had thick curly hair like my Mandelyn. Mandelyn's mommia got to keep the two braids that were shaved from her head. The heart and soul of this little boy reminds me SO MUCH of my Mandelyn. I've seen the strength of the mother in this story in my Mandelyn's mommia. If all those aren't enough, the way the little boy describes going to Heaven is EXACTLY the way I pictured it to be when my Mandelyn went home, except I have always said she got a "Hi-5" from Jesus. (Or, as Dylan says it, "Hi-Pie".) There has also been talk of Mandelyn's mommia adopting a little girl sometime in the future. Finally, my Mandelyn didn't write a note to her mommia, she didn't even visit her for some time after she left, but I figure that is because she was hurting too. No matter how neat a place Heaven is, Mandelyn and her mommia were completely and utterly in love with each other and therefore both hurt too deeply to have that experience too soon. BUT, I will tell you this much (and eventually I will put ALL facts into another blog), my Mandelyn did come back, almost immediately, to a select few those first couple of days, and my boys were two she visited often that weekend. She, like little Jimmy, needed to make sure that ESPECIALLY the little ones knew she was okay and happy there. And now since I'm bawling again, I'm cutting this blog off. I do, however, pray that you take from this EVERYTHING you need to. God bless you.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?"

The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

Sally said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ' Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult.

It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?"

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me

I almost missed it...

How selfish am I? I woke up this morning thinking 3 weeks until Christmas. This also means 3 weeks until Christmas break, I can sleep in – WOOHOO! Then the fog cleared. I almost missed it. I almost missed the 6 month mark. I've been so busy finishing my Christmas cards, looking for outfits to wear in our Christmas picture, Christmas shopping, and Mike and my anniversary was Saturday. It almost passed me by. I don't want it to pass me by. I WANT to remember that on the 2nd of every month it had been x number of months since Mandelyn was in a car accident and became our angel in heaven. I NEED to remember that on the 4th of every month it had been x number of months since Mandelyn was taken off the ventilator and I sat in the hospital with her grandpa, my dad and the Payless girls questioning why this was happening. Why did it happen to her? Why Mandelyn? Why is she gone? Why did God need her back home? She must be pretty important up there, is all I can think about. For God to call her back to him so soon, she must be one of his favorite angels. Well, unfortunately, she was one of my favorite angels too and that is when I get a little angry, hurt, confused, and question God. I don't ordinarily make it a point to question His will, because His will be done. However, we have reached that 6 month mark without her and for some reason this hurts more than the others. As I said, Christmas is right around the corner, which means our first Christmas without her. We've already had to overcome many firsts without her, starting right off with her birthday. I thought that would be the hardest thing we'd have to do, but I'm not sure now. I use to buy her an ornament every year. This year I bought us one. An angel that reads, "I am with you because you remember me." Isn't that the truth? Who could ever forget you Mandelyn?

A Little Hello

So, we're cleaning. I know, I know...it's Thanksgiving. But, we usually put our Christmas decorations up this weekend and so we start early. I'm cleaning off the desk, as that's my chore because it's my mess. I decide to do a little deeper cleaning and what pops out? PICTURES!!! Pictures I've seen, but not recently, not since...well, anyway, of course they are of Mandelyn. For me, it was like a little hello on yet another holiday without her. And I want to share one with you so badly. It's just the cutest and Dylan instantly was smiling and screaming because he wanted it. It's definitely one I will be putting in his collage frame up in his room. Enjoy!

What I'm Thankful For...

I was over at my best friends last night. Her daughter, Annie, is just months younger than my Cameron. Annie was showing me all the turkey's she and her brother Jeremy made for school projects. Jeremy's family turkey project was camouflaged as Mickey Mouse! SO SERIOUSLY CUTE! So, Annie made a turkey, titled, "What I'm Thankful For" and on each feather she wrote one thing she was thankful for. One feather said mom and dad, another said God, and so on. On the first feather of her turkey, although misspelled, it said Mandelyn. I'm telling you, it warmed my heart and made me teary eyed. It just goes to show you that almost 6 months after Mandelyn has left us for bigger and better places, she's on the mind of all, young and old. I'm thankful for my friendship with Annie's mother and her four great, hilarious, smart, rowdy children. God Bless and have a Happy Thanksgiving.