What I Have Accomplished

Last year I learned of International Widows Day through Soaring Spirits. I wasn't very happy about this, to say the least, because it means there is enough of us to warrant such a day, which completely breaks my heart. However, it also means I'm not alone and that there are others out there dealing with the same emotions I deal with on a day to day basis. On May 20th I saw a post hit my Facebook timeline from Soaring Spirits about this upcoming day. They were looking for stories that told of something widows have accomplished since the death of our Beloved spouses. Here is mine.

I'm late writing this because I was too busy accomplishing my story. You see, everyone told me the first year would be the hardest, but they lied. The first year is a cakewalk because you are so numb you don't feel anything. Now that second year, that one was a doozy. It was the hardest year for me and for my children. As we approached the third year I received a message from God. He told me it was time to go to work. Lord knows I needed the income otherwise the kids and I were going to be living in a van down by the river. I was hired on as a substitute teacher in September. For the first time in 14 years I went to work and I was no longer a stay-at-home-mom. A month later I received another message. God told me to go back to school to finish my teaching credential and Master's degree (I was in the middle of this program when my mother and Beloved husband passed 2 months apart). Whoa! Wait! What?!?! Seriously Lord, is this a joke? I just went back to work. Not a joke and in November I went back to school.

In the last 9 months I've accomplished being a single, working parent who is going to school at night and maintaining a 4.0 GPA. As the last day of school approached I was in shock that I accomplished this, but I didn't do this on my own. No way. I have the most amazing support system. I have friends who bus my children to and from school on days I work, as well as an awesome babysitter who keeps my kids on the nights I'm in class, and let's not forget the peers I've met in class who encourage me and raise me up and who I can call friends. I may be one of the oldest students in class, but I'm there, doing what needs to be done.

I do all of this to be an example to my biggest accomplishments. These three have suffered a loss I'll never truly understand. They were 11, 5, and 3 when their Daddy died. They had a family life that neither of their parents ever grew up with, two dotting parents who love each other, raising them up in the Lord, and breaking the cycle of dysfunction. It's no small feat to carry this on by yourself. We've celebrated birthdays and holidays by ourselves. We've lost a first tooth, started school, graduated kindergarten, began middle school and high school by ourselves. I've taken them on vacations by myself. Heck, I've even taken a vacation and left my children in the care of my Aunt. My Beloved and I never left the kids behind, it was always family time with us. This last year has been the biggest transition of all and yet, I feel as though this is only the beginning of many great things to follow. Not a day will go by that I wish I could share these accomplishments with my Beloved, but as my teenager would put it, "Dad is so proud of you." I know he's smiling down on us and gushing over his family in heaven as he did here on earth.

Parenting a Teen Boy

I never missed having a father growing up because I had my Grandma. She was mother and father rolled into one. She taught me how to keep house, do my laundry, iron my clothes, shave, pitch a baseball, climb a tree, and drive. She would be the first to admit she didn't teach me how to cook, that was self taught. I taught myself how to ride a bike (I had broken blood vessels in my chest for a couple of months to prove it) and how to swim (Grandma was deathly afraid of water). When my monthly friend visited me for the first time at 11 years old she referred me to my egg donor (i.e. the woman who gave birth to me but didn't stick around to be my mother). My uncles were there to teach me how to shoot, and ride a motorcycle. My aunt taught me how to throw a punch a not hurt myself.

I suppose Cameron is lucky that his Mom is a tomboy. I taught him how to ride a bike and to shoot a basketball (because as much as Grandma loved baseball, my sport was always basketball). Much to my Beloved's dismay I taught Cameron to burp and how to play the fart game. I taught him how to tie a tie (courtesy of YouTube) when he asked to wear one of his Dad's for his 6th grade graduation. I will be the one to teach him how to drive. And although I joked about teaching him how to shave his legs, I will be the one teaching him how to shave (I am petrified of this).

I parent differently than I did when it was my Beloved and I. I am Mom and Dad rolled into one. Walking that line is like walking a tightrope. I write this backstory as a precursor for a conversation we had this morning as we walked out of the house for church.

Me: School starts tomorrow. A clean slate. You had better step up your game.
Cameron (in his very annoyed teenager tone): I knoooow.
Me: I mean it Kid. I am gonna be all up in your a ...
Cameron (appalled and laughing): MOM! You will not be up my anus.
Me (laughing): Let me finish! I was going to say aeries (school website to check grades and missing assignments and I'm still laughing).
Cameron (cracking up): I thought you were going to say something else.
Me (serious): If you aren't doing your job then yes I will be up your a ...
Cameron (wicked smile): ANUS!
Me (still serious): Nope. I was gonna say ass. But you get the point. I will be all up in it.
Cameron (trying to be serious): Mom, it is an exit, you can't be in there.
Me (dead pan): Bet me. You need to up your game otherwise I will introduce your ::clears throat:: anus to my size 7 and a half ...
Cameron (mouth gapping open): OH. MY. GOD. MOM!
Me (ROTFLMBO): I was going to say shoe.

We both laughed until we got to church. I thank you not leaving me a comment or message to chastise me for using the word ass. I'm a Christian. Not perfect. :)

Three Years and 70 Days

Today my Beloved has been gone for 3 years. It seems impossible. It doesn't feel that long. He was just here. We were just singing Lead Me by Sanctus Real while he changed the blown out lights in the kitchen and I picked up the living room. He just woke me up, told me it was 5:20 and that would be the last time I ever heard his voice, or saw his face thru non-glasses, blurred vision. Time moves differently after the immense loss of someone you held so dearly.

Today my Peyton has been without her Daddy for as long as she had him. Three years and 70 days was all my beautiful daughter got with the most amazing father I could have ever asked for.

Today my heart breaks.

I lost my faith...

Conversation with the teen yesterday...

Cameron: I lost my faith after Dad died.
Me: I know.
Cameron: I just couldn't believe all the death we had.
Me: I agree.
Cameron: But you never gave up and the blessings kept coming in. I couldn't deny it.
Me: Because God loves us. He wants nothing but the best for us. He knew when Dad was going to be called home. We didn't, but He did. God didn't forsake us with the death of Dad, which is how you saw things. Instead He chose to bless us. Psalm 68:5 says, "God in His holy dwelling is a father of the fatherless and a champion of widows." You aren't fatherless kid, you have a Heavenly Father who wants nothing but the absolute best for you. I have a Heavenly Husband who is my Champion. The Bible says a lot about taking care of fatherless children and widows. That is why we are abundantly blessed. That is why I hardly ever worry anymore. Because I know that God has us in his hands.
Cameron: And Dad wouldn't let anything happen to us either.
Me: You are absolutely right! I'm certain Dad has a lot to do with it as well. My prayer for you, Dylan and Peyton. I never want you to know what it feels like to be alone, because with God in your corner, you never will be.

The healing that has taken place in Cameron this year is an answered prayer. I pray he continues to grow and cultivate his relationship with the Lord. I realize we're the "single parent family" statistic, but I pray we bypass that because his Dad didn't leave us, he died. He remembers his Dad going to church, being the provider of his family, the chivalrous man he was, and that those memories of his Dad are instilled in his own foundation.

Christmas is Cancelled

The selfishness it takes to write such a statement is staggering. I'll be the first to admit that I have wanted to cancel all holidays, birthdays, hell even my life on some days, for the last, almost, 3 years. But what I want isn't what I can or should. I was at the lowest part of my life after my Beloved's death, which happened just 2 short months after my mother's. I had a choice to make, and three little people who were counting on me to make the right one. Either I allow the grief to take me under or I move forward. What good would I have been to Cameron, Dylan, and Peyton had I curled up in bed and thrown the covers over myself? What would that have taught my children? To run and hide when life didn't go your way.

Instead of being swallowed up, I mustered every ounce of love to shower upon my kids. I gathered strength I didn't know I had and put one foot in front of the other, sometimes moving at a snail's pace. But most importantly I gave myself wholly to my Lord and Savior, who without I wouldn't have had the love to give or strength to move forward. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Dylan lost his first tooth the day after his Dad died and while I was at the mortuary signing papers to have my Beloved cremated. A few short weeks later I would attend his memorial and 3 days later my birthday. Dylan's first birthday party without his Dad followed a few days after that and then Mike's favorite team, The Packers, would go on to win the Super Bowl on his 60" TV that he bought, the year before, special for that day. I mention the TV because it was a huge sore for me for awhile after Mike died. How about the seven months that my beautiful, 3 year old daughter, asked me daily if she could die today? Her Daddy was in heaven and she wanted nothing more to be with him. And let's not forget my Type 1 diabetic who I thought was going to die too because he was eating his emotions and playing a very dangerous game with his blood sugar. Would I have loved to cancel our first Halloween without our patriarch? Yep. Did I? No. And each and every year when Halloween rolls around I still fight myself not to cancel it. That hasn't changed in 3 years.

Canceling Christmas because you are grieving is the most selfish act and not what the holiday is about. Maybe you should spend less time focused on the person in the mirror and more time looking upward, to the One whose holiday this is truly about, the birth of your Lord and Savior. I tell my children we will forever have a Daddy sized hole in our hearts. Nothing will take it away, but it doesn't mean we can't fill it to the brim around it, because Daddy would want us to. Death is always hardest on the one's left behind. It's our human nature. Fortunately I have a God who wants nothing but good for me. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That is the God I serve, the legacy I want to leave my children. This Christmas my church is discussing the Christmas Legacy. Legacy has become a keyword in my life since my Beloved went home. I want to leave my children with the image of me picking us up in the wake of utter devastation and continuing to move forward. While I cradled them, Jesus cradled me. "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you. Never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you." He carried me so I could in turn carry my children. When I die I want my children and grandchildren to know that my heart belonged to Jesus and it was because of that love that we didn't just survive the death of our Beloved husband and Daddy but we thrived!

Merry Christmas to my family and friends. May God's light, love and blessing touch each and every one of you. May your home be full of laughter, your bellies be full of goodies and your stories about loved one's who have already gone home treasured.

What are the chances...

Yesterday I went on a field trip with my APU class to downtown Los Angeles. It was the first time I had ridden the Metro. One of my classmates, Aaron, and I were sitting in seats with nobody beside us, I was turned around and we were chit chatting. The ride to Union Station is about 30 minutes and about stop 3 an older woman got on and she sat next to Aaron. He and I kept chit chatting until she politely interrupted and asked us what was going on and why there were so many people on the Metro this early on a Saturday morning. I explained about our class and told her I didn't know about the back half of the train. She and I begin to make small talk about school and places to see while we're in LA. She says something about God and I get the usual ping to tell her my story. I admit, I like throwing a curve ball at people by telling them I'm a widow with 3 kids, but I'll explain why that is in a moment. I throw the pitch out and her mouth literally drops. She says to me, "You're too young." I love that I don't look my age. I nod politely. I tell her the rest of my story, that he was 33, etc, etc. She gets misty eyed and says, "You're not done. You know that, right? I'm not telling you a premonition, but something in me just tells me God has something big in store for you." I respond with, "I do know that. I'm in no hurry. God's timing is perfect." She thanks me for sharing and then tells me that her friend committed suicide just 3 days earlier. She says, "If only he talked to someone. To me. You continue talking Tiffany. You push through and keep up that strength." She reaches for my hand and I smile. At our stop she says, "You've truly blessed me and I will take you with me for the rest of the day." Fast forward to Olvera Street and Aaron pulls me aside and this is the conversation we have.

Aaron: What are the chances that she was suppose to sit next to me on the train?
Me: 100%.
Aaron: It was like she needed to hear your story.
Me: She did.
Aaron: You just opened up like you'd known her your whole life.
Me (nodding)
Aaron: I just...it's so personal.
Me: I'm an open book. I always have been.
Aaron: I mean, I've heard the story before but...it's like you're a walking testimony.
Me: Exactly.
Aaron: Does this happen to you often?
Me (laughing): Yes. Yes it does.
Aaron: And the people you tell?
Me: Nine times out of 10 they need to hear it. They need to know God keeps his promises and his love is fierce.
Aaron (shaking his head in disbelief): I've never seen anything like that. Ever.

Now, let me tell you about a similar story that happened before Thanksgiving. I've been meaning to share, but just haven't had the time. I got sick and couldn't make it to work for a few days. Someone who works at the littles school, and is very precious to me, was leaving and I needed to buy her a card. I had kept putting it off and so on Wednesday morning I dropped the kiddos off, figured my stomach was good since I hadn't put anything in it and drove over to Christian Treasures. The woman running the store that morning was busy on a call back east but kept popping her head out to assure me she was there if I needed anything. I browsed around and decided to check out a little while later. Another customer came beside me to lay her purchases on the counter while she continued to shop. I made a comment about the Advent Calendar she picked up and told her I was excited to start the Jesse Tree and Ann Voskamp's Devotional. I explained that I was excited to start a new tradition this year with my children. Well she just took the conversation on from there.

Pam: I saw her at Women of Faith. She was amazing. (She goes on about a story of picking up copies of her book and how blessed she was to hear her speak because she had just lost her husband--there's my cue).
Me (hand over my mouth and shaking my head)
Pam: No, please don't. I'm doing okay. I have a loving heavenly Father.
Me (nodding and smiling): I know you do. He's kept me going for the last 2 years and 10 months since my Beloved husband died.
Pam (mouth drops): Mine passed in May. We have a 4 year old daughter.
Me (thinking she is a much older mom): Mine were 11, 5, and 3.
Pam: She's not really my daughter. She's my granddaughter, but she's mine.
Me (grinning from ear to ear): I was raised by my grandmother and there is nothing more precious than that. She passed away 2 months before my husband.

Needless to say the conversation just took off. Her daughter's name is Peyton as well. Pam was just a few short days away from hitting the 6 month mark as well as her first Thanksgiving without her husband. I told her I would pray for her. We stood in Christian Treasures for a good hour talking, lifting each other up and the lady behind the counter exclaimed, "I hate working here!" as she grabbed the box of Kleenex for us all to wipe our tears and blow our noses. We exchanged phone numbers and I hugged her tight before saying goodbye.

Lastly, and I realize this is out of order but this is the funnest story EVER, God always puts me where I will be covered. I accept the long-term sub position and the teacher next door to me was also Cameron's 7th grade language arts teacher. Funny thing was when I told Cameron he said, "NO. Mrs. ________ is a 7th grade teacher." I said, "NO. She's a 6th grade teacher now." Needless to say Mrs. ________ and I became close very fast. I knew she was a widow (she hates that word and I apologize in advance for using it here) but I didn't realize how parallel our stories were. She invited me to have lunch in her classroom with her daughter one day and I took her up on it. HOLY MOLY! God sent me a kindred spirit. The 3 of us women had a huge laugh fest that first lunch together. Our husband's birthdays are 2 days apart and our wedding anniversaries are 3 days apart. Her husband will be gone 3 years on the 18th of this month, mine on the 10th of next. Both are named Mike and both our middle names are Ann. HELLO!?!? This last week each time we're together she tells me, "I'm gonna miss you. I hate making friends." And her daughter won't even discuss it, according to her. I have come to love these ladies immensely. Not only do I have to say goodbye to my students on Thursday, but I have to leave these 2 amazing, hilarious, beautiful women too. I'm gonna be a mess, straight up ugly girl crying. I'm teary eyed right now even typing this.

God is so faithful to me. His mercy and grace cover me in ways that know no bounds. I am in awe almost daily of what He does for me. I pray I continue to be that walking testimony and light for Him. He certainly deserves that and much more.

Living By Faith

I often begin a story like this with, "I can't make this up!" Why would tonight be any different? As I shared recently the kids and I are doing a Christmas/Advent Devotional based on Ann Voskamp's book The Greatest Gift. We sat down tonight to read and then say our prayers before I put the littles to bed. Here's how it went.

Me (reading): The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you . . . and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you." . . . ~ Genesis 12:1-7 

Me (as I continue to read): This is the gift that wraps up all stresses quiet: I will bless you. "I will bless you," says the God who comes to where you are. Who comes in the heaviness of the day, to the space where the weight hangs on the edges of you, so you just keep holding your breath, so you just keep forgetting to breathe. But the weight of everything melts like thinning snow in the heat of His words: "I will bless you." He will not burden you. He will not break you. He will bless you-the God of invincible reliability, the God who has infinite resources, the God who is insistent love. You can always go ahead and breathe-He will bless. You can always breathe when you know all is grace.

At this point I am bawling my eyes out as I read. God is writing me a love letter.

Me (reading through flowing tears): That is the order of grace. . . . The personal blessings envelop you first. Then you are the blessing sent to the world. You will be experienced as a blessing-to the extent you have first experienced yourself as blessed. You must feel the fullness of your own pitcher before you trust the pouring out of yourself. "It is not use for you attempt to sow out of any empty basket, for that would be sowing nothing but wind," wrote Spurgeon. So slow down to feel the wind. Listen to the carols just a little bit longer. Linger in the quiet and taste the grace of now, and know that He is good and He is God. Name them in this moment-gift upon gift upon gift-and listen for the echo in everything: I will bless you.

Me (to the children): Do you understand what I'm reading? God is telling us not to worry. He is telling me my worrying last night and today was for nothing because I we are His children and He loves us. He will bless us always so we can go out and bless others. We are walking testimonies for His love, for His mercy and for His grace.

Cameron: Mom, you always talk about this stuff, but I've never understood until tonight. I don't know what to say. It's ironic.

Me: It's not ironic, it's God. (And then I begin to read again) D.L. Moody once wrote, "Faith is the gift of God. So is the air, but you have to breathe it; so is bread, but you have to eat it; so is water, but you have to drink it." Breathe it, eat it, drink it-leave the blur of Ur and slow to taste and see the promised land of Advent, of Christmas, of His Coming-the blessing of gift upon gift. Only when you first unwrap the gifts of blessings to you can you be wrapped up as a gift of blessing to others. Only when you are overwhelmed with the goodness of God can you overflow with the goodness of God to others. And that is the blessing God graced Abram with, the blessing He graces you with this Advent, the gift that makes you a gift. The greatest gift God graces a should with is His own presence. So the whirl can hush and the spin can slow because He will bless, and He will bless with Himself come down. The present is His presence, and the greatest present you always have to give is His presence-looking into someone's eyes as you listen, refusing the wrong of rushing, lingering long enough to really listen-to everything. There is no need for more: the heart is full of gifts that is full of Christ. It's strange how that happens-that any place becomes the Promised Land when the blessing of His presence becomes the gift we receive-and give. Advent happening anywhere.

Wow! Talk about knocking my socks off. It's as if God was thumping me over the head, "Do you hear me Tiffany?" Yes. Loud and clear. Sometimes I need the hit over the head Lord. Sorry. I. Am. Blessed.